Page 16 of Letters to Lily

“Yep, thanks again for the help. We really appreciated it.”

“Anytime, Prego!” He laughed out his clever new nickname for me as he walked to the front door. “Oh, hey!” Brad turned back in my direction, “I forgot to ask earlier. I know you always have your appointments at the end of the month. Did you go to this month’s yet?”

I nodded that I did.

“How was it? I mean, it’s about that time, isn’t it? Where they can tell what gender the baby is?” He went on to explain what he meant, even though I sort of already knew what he was getting at.

My smile confirmed his suspicions. “I did go, but Lil’Bit was not cooperating. This kid,” I stated while patting my belly gently, “Is modest or something, and wasn’t giving up the goods.” I laughed out loud before adding, “I don’t know whether to be proud or angry.”

“Well, if it turns out to be a girl, I’d say definitely be proud. She already knows that a little mystery goes a long way. It’s different if it’s a boy though,” Brad added with a twinkle in his eye.

“Oh yeah, how so?”

“Boys just don’t care; they’d whip their junk out anywhere. To compare with other boys, to piss on trees, to just hang free in the wind…” he said these things reverently. “We honestly don’t need a reason to let it all hang out, so when a guy purposely hides his junk, he’s up to something. Maybe in this case, if it turns out to be a boy, he was just tormenting you so you couldn’t pick proper nursery colors or something.” He winked at me as he said the last.

“That would be my luck and so much like…” I cut myself off before I said his name. That familiar ache was already there with the almost mention. Damn it. I averted my eyes from everyone else in the room and glanced down at my feet so that I could get the impending waterworks under control before any tears fell and embarrassed me. That was when I felt a hand snake around the nape of my neck and tug me closer. Warm breath fanned across the top of my head as Brad planted a kiss there, and then released me from his gentle hold to back away to the door.

“If you ladies need anything, call one of us. I mean it!”

“Yes, sir!” Kristin offered with a salute as she walked them both out of the house and shut and locked our front door. “I swear, if you don’t end up falling for his charms eventually, I am going to push you out of the way and marry that man myself,” she sighed.

I choked out a half laugh. “I wish my headspace was normal enough to think like that. It’s been months since I’ve heard from you-know-who and I still get this kick to the gut feeling every time I accidentally almost say his name. How in the hell am I supposed to ever be able to tell the baby about their dad? I mean, will I ever be okay to talk about it?”

“I imagine it’s a lot like when a person dies. Things will just get a little better as time goes on. Your biggest problem is that you got zero closure on the matter and whole lot of baggage to carry in the meantime.” She sighed. “Honestly, it would have been easier on you if he had died, because you could have grieved and moved on. Instead, you have to wonder why he’s gone, if he’s coming back, and a whole slew of other things. It sucks for the moving-on process to have all those questions rumbling around in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Yeah,” I huffed out. “I think I’m going to go grab a bubble bath and then just go straight to bed today. I feel really worn out, and if I weren’t pregnant, I’d probably drown myself in a bottle of vodka or something to numb those pesky damn questions.”

“So, bubble bath is the pregnant woman’s vodka?” Kristin laughed, and her smile warmed my heart as much as her hug did. I attempted to smile back. She wasn’t fooled. The topic of conversation had turned depressing for me, and I was trying to bow out of it without looking like an overly emotional idiot. “Hey, before you go, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What’s that?”

“Remember when we were younger, and you used to write in your diary all the time?”

“Yeah, I do. I burned them all after the epic senior prom that wasn’t though.”

She cringed at the reminder of one of the worst spots in my history with Kade, present issues aside. “Well, yeah, I remember. What I was thinking though is that it used to help you.” She was wringing her hands together, something she did any time she had to talk to me about things that made her nervous. “I know you didn’t get closure of any kind with Kade this time and being pregnant is making it even harder to close that door without the answers you want. I hate seeing you sad all the time though. I was thinking that maybe if you started writing in your journal again you would feel better, because at least then, you’re getting everything off your chest. I’m not stupid. I know you tell me things, but you also keep so much bottled up and it’s just not healthy for you right now to do that.” She let out a heavy breath and made sure to look directly at me when she added the rest. “I think there are plenty of things you want to say, especially to him, that you just don’t want to tell me. Maybe, if you write him a letter in your journal, ask all those questions that you can’t get answers to, it will help you work through everything you’re feeling. Tell him how you feel and what you’re going through with the pregnancy. Maybe one day, you’ll be able to actually send him the letter and get answers. Maybe not, but at least you’re getting it all off your chest.

“And if that isn’t enough, or you don’t want to write to him, start writing letters to your baby. It might help you work through what you do and don’t want to tell Lil’Bit later on when she’s able to understand. I don’t know,” Kristin went on, rambling now, as she tried to get out all of her thoughts about this at once. “You could even just write a bunch of cutesy shit down once in a while that you will be able to put in a baby scrapbook later on. I just need you to do something, sweetie, because I hate seeing you stuck in this miserable bubble you’ve been in.”

“I know. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a moody pain in the ass. I’d like to blame pregnancy hormones completely, but I think it’s 95 percent my broken heart causing the issues.” I walked over and hugged Kristin again. “Thanks, for caring so damn much.”

“You never have to thank me for that. I love you, always!”

Chapter 8

May - July

My mother didn’t do really well in rehab at first. It ended up prolonging her stay, especially when she got to the part where she had to seek forgiveness from people. She was confused about what she should be forgiven for, and when her therapist brought up my dad, she went ballistic. Not that I could blame her for that, but her response definitely lengthened her stay and also taught her counselor a lesson about proximal awareness when you deliver news someone might not agree with. His balls ended up being surrogates for what my mother wanted to do to my father.

During my stay in Vegas, I also learned a few things about myself. Score one for secondhand therapy, I suppose. I ended up going to see my father. Well, I didn’t go to see him exactly, that part was just unavoidable. I went to meet my little sister. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes all of the adults in my life had made in regard to my brother – the one I still hadn’t been able to meet again yet – and me. My father might be a major douche nozzle, but I didn’t want my sister growing up to think I was one too.

“Tay-Tay!” I yelled out in an excited falsetto as my sister ran and dove into my arms. I knew I was heading back to the east coast soon, and it was going to break my heart to leave this little girl behind. She already had me wrapped around her little finger.

“Good to see you, son.” My dad walked into the room and gave me his winning smile that allowed him to con so many people into thinking he was truly the good guy in every scenario. It didn’t work on me. I just grunted at him and refocused my attention on my sister.

“Whatcha' been doing, sweet girl?”

“Payin’”

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