Page 13 of Everlasting

No, I made her into a victim. I made her feel worthless. I made her cringe at smiles. She fled my presence as quickly as possible and thinking back, I realize that was the norm for her. I had taken for granted that she wasn’t in my space that often, and I finally had my eyes open wide enough to understand why. If she had turned into an evil child, it would have been justified and completely my own doing. But she didn’t, because she had you. My love and appreciation for you pales in comparison to what you’ve done for me. You took my daughter in and made her your own in spite of everything. I have you to thank for the beautiful girl that stood before me today, the one I scared away with a smile. Everything broken is on me. Everything beautiful, that was all your doing, baby.

I’m going to make this up to both of you. I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way. If she’ll even let me. I’m sorry I put it all on your shoulders. You’ve always been my partner, an equal, but in this, you carried me and that should have never happened. I love you, Lucy. I love our girl too. I’m so damn proud of her, and I don’t even have a right to feel that way.

One day, maybe I’ll be able to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Do you think I can fix it in time? What if I can’t? How the hell did I leave it all so long? I know it’s not fair to ask you, but you’re the best at knowing how to fix things, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m telling you now, if it didn’t work, I’m well aware that it’s all on me.

I want to be the father to her that I’ve been to our other children. I’ll figure it out, I promise you.

I will love you until my very last breath, then long beyond that too.

CJ

“Is that one of the letters that Anna was telling me about?” Ever asked as she stood in the doorway having knocked previously. I had been so lost in the heartbreak of the letter that I hadn’t noticed.

“It is, and I think you should probably read this one,” I told her.

Ever shook her head, blond strands of hair fell into her face as she did. Before she answered with more than a gesture, she pushed her hair back behind her ears and watched me for a moment as I swiped at a tear that had fallen. “No,” was her only answer.

“But, I really think…”

“No,” she insisted again. “I don’t believe they’re gone and you’re here torturing yourself with the words of a dead man.”

“You just said you don’t believe…” I tried to argue.

“He meant them to be his death bed confessions,” she explained. “Besides, they’re your words. He wrote them for you, not me.”

“I just really think,”

“He’s out there, doing his best to show me, right now.” Ever’s words were everything. If only I could lock them away and pull them back out when CJ got home so he could hear them for himself. He still had doubts that she could ever truly love him, despite her telling him over the years that everything was okay. CJ just couldn’t get past the difference in how his daughters treated him. Anna was always open and demonstrative, while Ever was different. She didn’t offer up hugs quickly to many people, and definitely not to her father. She showed she cared in her own ways, but something I couldn’t quite get him to understand was that she was like that with most everyone, not just him. He still blamed himself for her behavior though.

We were quiet for a while before Ever added, “I don’t need you, or his confessions, to tell me how he feels. I already know my dad loves me.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling harder then as I leaned down and put the letter away in the box I had pulled it out of. She was right, these weren’t meant for me to read right now. I had some living to do still too. More importantly, I had a pregnant daughter with a husband who had already been missing far too long, and she needed me to take care of her.

“What do you say I get cleaned up and then we go out to grab some lunch?”

“I’d say, that’s exactly what I came over here for.” Her answering grin let me know all was well between us, despite the awkwardness of the situation moments ago. That was my girl though, so resilient it made my heart ache to know she was that way because she’d once had to be.

Chapter 12

Moved Again

Deck

Awareness was something I no longer possessed.

Still, I heard them coming for me. The bitch was gone. My limbs itched, my insides ached, and I knew she would be my only salvation. The only way to feel better was to be nice to her.

“Be nice,” I mumbled the words through dried, cracked lips that hadn’t seen enough water in days.

“Jesus, look at him,” a voice said.

“Maybe we should just put him out of his misery right here. What the fuck has that crazy cunt been doing?”

“Boss says we move him,” the first voice mentioned.

“You want to touch that? He’s lying in his own filth for fuck’s sake.”

There was a sigh on the air before heavy boots stomped my way. For one, fleeting moment I thought maybe my family had found me. They had come, I was saved. That wasn’t right though. I didn’t recognize the voices or the almost French accents the men spoke with. A large man with a heavily bearded face and thick winter clothing hovered over me a moment. “Nice,” I mumbled again.

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