Page 46 of A Twist of Fate

“I’m going to head on downstairs and see if they need any help. Give you some time to yourself to figure things out. If you need me, I’ll be there.”

I nodded my head and watched him exit my apartment via the stairs that led down into the employee lounge area of Permanent Marks. It wasn’t too long after he left that there was a knock on the same door. I answered it with a shy smile on my face thinking he was back, and decided against me having alone time. Honestly, I was thankful for it. Being stuck with my own thoughts wasn’t exactly something I was looking forward to.

Instead of Kane standing there, Ever stood there with worry evident in her eyes. “Do you mind if I come in?”

“No, not at all,” I told her as I opened the door wider.

“I hope you don’t mind. Kane told me what happened when you tried to ride out.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” I admitted as I hid my face in my hands.

“Don’t be,” she stated as she took my hands in hers and pulled them down by my sides. “This was your first time trying to ride again, right?”

“Yeah, it was.” I went on to tell her all about what happened to set me off. Hearing about her brother, and how I felt, the things he had said to me, sent us both into a cryfest for a bit before we managed to get anything else out.

“I know you loved my brother. It’s obvious. I’m certain he knew it just as well,” Ever told me as she grabbed both of my hands and held them in her own. “He would want you to move on and be happy, Gretchen. I know you felt guilty being on the back of another man’s motorcycle, but Toby would never have begrudged you that.”

She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but getting my heart to believe what my head was telling me, was a task I didn’t feel up to. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“We were just talking about it now, and I told Kane what happened earlier.”

“No, Gretchen. I mean have you seen someone who can help you process what happened to you? A grief counselor?”

“A therapist? No. I didn’t think I needed one.”

Ever didn’t pass judgment on me. Instead, she gave me a number, and told me to call and make an appointment. “Cindy is my therapist, and she’s been helping me out since I was younger. I think she’d take you on too.”

“But you were seeing her for something different.”

“Grief has many faces. Sometimes it comes with the true loss of someone you can never get back. I lost my mom. I watched her go too. It’s something no one ever thought to help me process. Lucy wasn’t in the right place when I first came to my family. My father didn’t want to say anything about my mother, especially in front of me. No one wanted to talk about the fact that I watched her die, held her in my arms, and had to come to terms with the fact that she was never coming back. I did that all on my own as a child. Then there was the grief of discovering a new family, but knowing that part of that family hated me for reasons beyond my control. I had to grieve the loss of different parts of my life along the way and alongside the loss of actual people.”

“Ever, I didn’t realize they never…” She hushed me before I could get anything else out.

“I don’t want to live in that past anymore. I just wanted you to know that I understand. Looking death in the face as it happens leaves a bigger scar somehow. Images that can never be erased haunt you. Sometimes, they make you feel guilty when you shouldn’t. Cindy helped me process all of that, and I think she can help you as well.”

Making an appointment with Cindy seemed like the next best step for me. I didn’t want to remain stuck in those memories. The good times were one thing, but reliving the accident was something I couldn’t stomach. Besides, there was a very large part of me that looked forward to moving on with Kane. I could still smell him on the leather jacket he brought me. I’m not ashamed to say that I curled up with it after Ever left and my appointment was made. His scent lulled me to sleep, and for the first time in months, I couldn’t remember having a nightmare.

Chapter 17

Slow and Steady

Kane

Getting Gretchen on the back of my bike was the goal, but I was beginning to think it would never happen. I could see the anxiety in her eyes every time she looked at my Harley, let alone when she actually got near the damn thing. “Can you have an ol’ lady who is afraid to get on your bike?”

Merc glanced up from whatever he was doing on his computer and just stared for a minute. “This have anything to do with Gretchen?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure if she’s ever going to be able to get back on a bike. She has panic attacks.”

Merc leaned back in his chair, intense eyes locked on mine, and a thoughtful expression pasted on his face. “There are some brothers who have women that can’t ride for some reason or other. Usually, it’s a physical ailment that keeps them from the back of their man’s bike. It’s not a qualification like it is for us. You can’t ride, you can’t be a brother. This is the one time the women get a better choice than we have. Something happened to me and I couldn’t ride anymore, I’d have to turn in my kutte, bike, and be just another hang around. At least the women still get to come around, keep their property patches, and maintain their position, so long as they’re with a brother.”

“Yeah, I read that it’s only temporary surrender of colors if you’ll be unable to ride for a specified amount of time though.”

“That’s true, but you get to my age and you start thinking about the more permanent possibilities, son.”

“You still look to be in your prime to me.”

“Fuck that! Quit your flirtin’ and go get me some dirt so we can get this place cleaned up. You don’t need to worry about your woman, she’ll be welcome either way, if that’s what she wants.”

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