Page 52 of A Love So Hard

“Dad!” She whined again. I finally gave in and allowed her to pull me to the door where she grinned widely at my defeat.

“We’re not stepping foot out that door until you answer my question, Anna. Why don’t you want me to tell your mom, and what does Ever have to do with it?” Her straight white teeth bit into her bottom lip, a nervous gesture she shared with her mother. “Spit it out, Anna.”

She huffed out an exaggerated sigh and then hung her head. “I don’t want to lose out on being able to ride today,” she admitted while looking slightly guilty as she did.

“Why would you lose out on being able to ride?”

“Because if I have to see Ever’s face when you tell momma that we’re going, I’ll feel bad and won’t go.”

“Why would you feel bad? What the hell, Anna? Explain yourself now or you really won’t be going.”

“Never mind,” she pouted and then started to walk off toward the stairs.

“Anna!” She turned and I noticed her eyes were tearing up which made me take a minute to get my shit together since I knew my temper was starting to rise. I had zero patience for girly games. So, Anna not telling me what was going on was hitting all of my nerves in the wrong spots.

“God, dad! Everyone says I’m clueless and I hear them ask where I get it from, but seriously, I get it from you! I don’t want Ever to be sitting there when you tell mom, because every time you do she looks so damn shattered.” Anna’s brows pulled in tight on her face again a mixture of sadness and anger. Then her soft voice broke through the quiet that had settled in with her words. “Have you really never taken her for a ride?” I wasn’t sure how I stayed upright on my feet when the weight of her question hit me. I hadn’t. I had never offered, and of course she would never ask me. She didn’t want to push my buttons, step on my toes, or whatever the hell she felt any interaction with me would do over the years. Jesus.

“You haven’t?” My daughter asked. “I thought maybe I just hadn’t been around when you did it. Dad,” she drew out that last word before asking the one question I didn’t know the answer to. “Why?”

How could I answer when it was something I couldn’t wrap my own head around? I turned to leave because I needed the road underneath me and the wind in my face to help me sort through everything. “You coming?” I asked the question without turning back to look at Anna.

“No,” she replied sadly. “I can’t now that I know for sure. I’d feel too bad.” With that my baby girl left and I didn’t try to stop her. She was right to feel the way she did. My eyes caught movement in the mirror that reflected a portion of the kitchen and I saw Lucy there, she had overheard. I wondered if Ever had as well. She shook her head, just the tiniest of movements, as if she could read the question I had just asked as if I’d said it out loud. The disappointment I saw on my Lucy’s face was enough to drive home the importance of what my youngest child just had to point out to me. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take being cut open and bled dry by my own mistakes. My heart physically hurt inside of my chest and I wondered briefly if that was how my daughter felt all the time. She’d been through so much, and I was coming to realize I was the cause of a good deal of it. Even if I hadn’t realized some of what I had done, it was becoming clear that it had been piling on for far too long.

I took off on my bike to try to find the clarity I needed to work through how to fix my fuckups with my family. I was half way to Savannah by the time I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. It took me a minute to find a good spot to pull over, but once I did I found out quickly that I was being summoned to the club.

T-Bone: Need you at the club ASAP.

Double-D: What’s up?

T-Bone: Get here! Not a fuckin’ drill.

“Fuck!” I wondered if he had heard from Lucy or Anna about what had happened earlier, what I realized. For some reason it hit me even harder thinking that my son would see me failing our girl once more. I sat there and stared up into a brilliantly blue sky with the barest hint of wispy white clouds lazily making their way across the horizon. The briny sea-salt smell wafted to me on the slightest breeze, letting me know just how far from home I’d managed to get. I turned around and headed back to find out what Toby had for me even though something deep down inside begged me to keep going and never look back.

No sooner had I crossed the threshold of the clubhouse door than Sandman’s grim face glanced in my direction. He tipped his chin back to the room we used for our meetings. It was about three times the size of the office, which meant there were going to more than three or four bodies in on this meeting. “Church,” he stated, as if to reiterate his non-verbal directions.

“Thanks,” I muttered as I moved back toward the room with a lead ball of dread rolling around in my stomach. Once I entered the room I took in the fact that the men there were the same ones that continued to be pointed out to me by Lucy and Ever as the main ones who had been causing her so much grief over the years. What hit me hardest was the fact that my son was drooped in on himself and just looked completely busted. “T?” I asked and watched as his head shot up from where it had been hanging low before.

“Dad,” he huffed out and that told me all I needed to know. Whatever else this meeting might be about… it was clear by him addressing me that way that it was mostly wrapped up in family, and not necessarily the one that had us wearing these kuttes.

“What’s going on?”

“Take a seat,” Toby suggested as he pointed to the place I usually took at the table at Merc’s right since I was his VP now. I didn’t even have it in me to ignore his order. I took my fucking seat and waited for him to start, but I continued to wait.

“Waiting on a couple more,” Merc finally stated and only a moment later the door opened and in walked the Donovan boys. “Ah, now we’re good,” Merc addressed to Toby before turning to his boys. “Take a seat, and let’s get this started.”

“Why are we all here?” J-Bird questioned.

Merc tossed his hands up near his shoulders in an over-exaggerated shrug. He nodded his head to Toby then. “This is his show,” he stated.

Toby glanced up at Deck who still hadn’t taken his seat. “It’s our show,” he corrected and Deck moved around the table to stand next to my son.

“We’re going to attempt to fix something you all broke,” Deck started in.

“Fuck!” I heard PeeWee hiss out.

“Not this shit again,” Crow complained, scraping his chair back away from the table to stand.

I stood too. “Sit the fuck down!” I yelled at him. “If this is what I think it’s about, you will park your ass, listen, and do whatever the fuck is asked of you!” Crow blanched, but he also listened and parked his ass back down in his chair. I ignored the fact that he didn’t bother to pull it back in and get comfortable at the table. He left an easy escape available.

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