Page 51 of A Love So Hard

Once Merc pounded his name into his chest, the men formed a line and followed suit. Each one of them took their turn welcoming Toby into the brotherhood and stamping his new name into his chest so it would never be forgotten. Jay looked on miserably, swiping at his face periodically, knowing his chance at this had passed him by for now, and that his actions were diminishing what should have been an amazing party for his best friend.

“Lucy,” CJ’s voice rumbled from beside me. I’d seen him come up beside me after doing his duty and pounding our son’s new name into his chest. “I…” He ended what he’d been trying to say there. His miserable countenance said more than any words ever could. He knew he’d been wrong. He knew I had been right all along when I had once suggested that maybe the little girl who slept with damn near the whole school before Jason had been the one to make shit up. He knew he had mistreated, and ignored his daughter even more than he already had been doing over the years, and that it was for no good goddamn reason. What could he say?

“I warned you months ago, that you needed to fix what you broke. We were on a really long pause when Ever came to be, CJ. There’s no shame in how she came into this world. Not for her, anyway. There never should have been. She couldn’t help her circumstances, any more than we could help that someone’s lies kept us apart during that time. That girl has done everything, but bend over backwards and let you beat her mom’s DNA out of her in order to make you see that she was worthy of you.” Tears brimmed over as I spoke, but I would get every word out, because he needed to understand.

“I love you so much, I love the father you are to Toby and Anna, but CJ, I am so disappointed in the father you’ve been to Ever. That girl was born without a dad, and to this day, she’s never know the love of one.” I could see his lip wobbling even as his downturned mouth pulled his usually plump lower lip tight. “I told you that you had to fix this. Why haven’t you even tried?”

“I don’t know how to fix it. Every time I think about how I’ve screwed up, I just end up digging in deeper because if I was wrong to feel the way I did in the beginning, then I…”

I knew where he was going with that. He was having a hard time admitting that he’d been wrong all along and it had cost him, but more importantly, it had cost his daughter.

“You’re at the end now, CJ. She won’t be around much longer. She’s already asked about the money left behind from her mother’s estate. She asked if that would be enough to get her emancipated so that she wouldn’t have to hurt everyone by remaining in the house.”

“No,” he whispered.

“Yeah, when I told her that wouldn’t work, she went to the mall and got the job at that emo-kid store. She’s saving up to move out as soon as possible, CJ. I don’t want to lose my daughter,” I told him, unable to avoid the break in my voice. You’re going to lose her completely and the regrets you think you have now are going to be nothing compared to that.” It hurt me to even utter the next words, but he needed to hear them too. “I’ve put up with a lot, I’ve given extra to her to make up for what she wasn’t getting from you, but CJ if I lose my daughter because of this - because of your pride - things will not be okay between us. I need you to do whatever you need to do in order to step up and start being the dad to that girl that you have been to Toby and Anna.”

It was a bit ironic that she told me I would lose her too if I pushed my daughter away, because I’d been pushing that girl away all this time out of fear of Lucy not being able to accept her in our lives. I don’t know why I never realized that Lucy was never the problem. She had a minute to sort through her shit and figure out that Ever was more important than anything. She was more important to Lucy than even I was at this point. It just illustrated my fuckups all the more.

Chapter 23

(Lucy – age 42, Double-D – age 45)

Three years flew by in a heartbeat, and while Lucy and I were back on track with one another I hadn’t been able to fix things with Ever. I tried talking to her once in a while, which was a step up from the almost nothing I had offered before. She would generally just stare at me as if I had two heads though, and eventually I’d just walk away. If she wasn’t capable of letting me in now, then what more could I do? It occurred to me that all the warnings Lucy had given me were coming to pass. I’d waited too long, and the whole Jay thing had done more irreparable damage on top of what I’d already done on my own over the years.

Lucy was laughing at something Ever said to her. They were sitting at the kitchen table talking about Declan Donovan, my best friend’s oldest son. I couldn’t hear everything to know exactly what they were saying because their voices were too low. It hurt to think that I’d done this. My own daughter was afraid to speak above much more than a whisper in our home, because she didn’t want to be heard by anyone else in the house. Hell, she didn’t even live here anymore. She had moved into an apartment above a tattoo studio across town. That was another reason it was damn near impossible to fix anything. I was constantly riding the razor’s edge of frustration. I wasn’t allowed to go near Ever’s place. That was a direct order from my woman. Until Ever felt the need to invite me herself it was off limits. How the hell was I supposed to be able to fix shit like that? It was completely out of my hands. Every time I came full circle with that thought I got angry and started wondering why I should even bother, and old feelings about the girl filtered back in. It didn’t matter if I now knew the thoughts I’d had about her in the beginning were all kinds of warped and wrong. She wasn’t a demon spawn of her whore of a mother. She was just a little girl. Now, she was just a little girl who had grown up without a father, because I was an idiot who had spent so long stuck in a certain mindset that it was my default setting every time my frustration levels hit critical mass.

I tried to shake off the thoughts as I noticed how much Lucy’s inner light still shone from her, even all these years later. Watching her with my daughter just brought it out all that much more. I knew she was a special woman all those years ago – even before she was officially a woman.

“Whatcha doing, dad?” The sweet voice of my younger daughter asked as she tapped me on my shoulder. I turned from where I’d been voyeuristically watching her mom and sister’s interactions and smiled at her.

“Nothing, Princess. What are you up to?” She glanced around my shoulder, since she was too short to see over it, and saw her mom and Ever sitting there continuing their conversation. I watched as her brow furrowed inward. It was rare to see Anna appearing to be anything other than happy or bubbly. “Anna?” I asked when she failed to answer.

“They’re always together,” she mentioned with no emotion as she continued watching them.

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you joining them,” I offered.

“Nah, I actually came to find you.” Her attention turned to me then. “It’s a beautiful day.”

“It is,” I agreed, knowing where she was about to go with comments about the weather, but making her ask anyway.

“I think it looks like the perfect kind of day for a bike ride, but I don’t have one of my own.” She threw her arms out to her side as if to highlight the fact that a bike hadn’t magically appeared. I laughed at her dramatic antics.

“So, what you’re saying is you need someone to take you for a ride?” Her head bobbled up and down comically fast. She added to by the effect by bouncing on the balls of her feet while clapping her hands together quietly. She reminded me of an overeager puppy getting to go outside to play.

“Ok, baby girl, go get your leather on and meet me out front.”

“Come on,” she grabbed at my hand and tried to pull me toward the front door. I didn’t budge. “My jacket is by the door already.”

“Okay, well go get it on while I tell your mom what’s up so she doesn’t worry.”

A look I couldn’t place crossed my daughter’s face then. “Can’t you just text her that we’re out. No need to disturb them.”

“What’s up with that?” I asked. It was weird that she didn’t seem to want me telling her mom face-to-face.

“Ever’s in there,” she nearly whined, still attempting to pull me away.

“And? What does that have to do with anything?”

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