Page 46 of A Love So Hard

“Nah, man. Lucy ain’t the only part of the equation you need to square away. Maybe you need to take some time to get used to having another daughter around.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m sure it will happen in time.”

“Time runs out quickly, my brother,” he called to me as I left his office in search of my little princess. I wasn’t a stranger to the effects of time and waiting too long to get shit done. Missing out on my son’s first three years of life was evident enough that my timing had been all wrong before. I couldn’t help but think that Merc was off the mark this time though. It was going to take a while before I was okay with Ever being around. I would take my responsibility to her seriously, of course, but as far as forming a bond with her… it was probably best to let her have that with Lucy first. If Lucy bonded with her, then there was less chance she’d run again. She’d never be able to leave her children behind if she tried to, and she’d have to leave Ever since she doesn’t actually have any legal rights to her. That got me thinking about maybe having Lucy adopt her somewhere down the road. It would all depend on how shit went down. For now, what I knew was that I would do my duties while they formed a mother-daughter bond. Then I would see if I could get past my own shit and find some common ground with the kid. Until then, I just had to hope for the best.

“Come on, Princess,” I called out as I entered the club’s kitchen. My little girl had ice cream and root beer remnants all over her face. I chuckled as I moved over to the sink and grabbed some paper towels to dampen. I moved back over to her and then playfully wiped her face with exaggerated movements. “Looks like you’re wearing more than you got in your belly. I think we made need to take the whole face and wash it in the dishwasher this time,” I teased as both Anna and PeeWee laughed. I tugged and pulled, albeit delicately, at Anna’s nose, chin, and forehead. “Gah! The stubborn face won’t wipe off!”

A giggling Anna responded. “St-t-top, daddy. You can’t take my face off!” Her shrieks of “Stop,” and wild giggles lightened the burden on my soul for just a bit.

“Okay, well, I’ll have to take you just like you are then!” I huffed out, having managed to clean most of the sticky mess from her face. “You ready to finish your ride.”

She shook her head no, surprising me.

“You’re not ready to ride again?”

“Daddy!” She huffed out stubbornly, plopping her crossed arms over her chest. “I’m ready to ride, but I never want it to end though.”

“Amen to that,” PeeWee called out as he left the room chuckling.

“Go see Merc, need to spread the word about some shit that went down in the office,” I informed him before he got too far. He turned back and gave me a knowing look, then waved goodbye to Anna.

“By PeePee,” she taunted.

“No more cherry candies for you, pipsqueak!” He called back as he walked away.

She giggled as I picked her up and cradled her on my hip. She leaned in and whispered in my ear. “He’ll still have candy for me next time.”

“You’re probably right, baby. Let’s get you home before your momma worries.”

That night, I refused to go back to the clubhouse to sleep. Enough was enough. When I finally opened the door to our bedroom after nearly a week of not even breeching the doorway Lucy glanced up from where she was tucked neatly into our bed. She had on the cute little granny reading glasses I teased her relentlessly about. They were even connected at the ends by a chain that was draped around her neck. I bit down on my lip to hide the grin that wanted to form there from seeing them again.

“Are you picking up clothes, or are you actually going to stop being a coward and face me?”

Jesus. I forgot how she didn’t pull any punches when she was serious about shit. “I’m not here for clothes, Luce. I’m here for you. We can’t keep doing this,” I insisted while still standing guard in the doorway, ready to… What? Run? I didn’t know anymore. It was like we’d switched personalities and I didn’t know what to do with that.

“Well,” she huffed out in a frustrated tone. “I’ve been here every single night since your daughter was brought to this house.”

“Our house,” I corrected, feeling a lump of emotion building in my throat.

“Our house,” she agreed with a slight tip of her chin. “As I was sayin’… I’ve been here every night. You’re the one that’s been missing.” I started forward, ready to argue with her, but the words wouldn’t come and she wouldn’t allow it anyway. Lucy held her hand up, whether to still my words or stay my feet from moving any further into our bedroom I wasn’t sure. “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to get out in the most sorrow-filled tone I had ever heard her speak. “I’m so sorry, CJ. If I’d had time to process before she was brought here,” she started and then stopped long enough to pull her glasses from her face and the chain from her neck before setting them on the nightstand.

She shouldn’t have been apologizing for that. Lucy was right. Merc had warned me that I needed to tell her before Ever got there. It was already breaking my heart to have to tell her, and I couldn’t find the words to use to knowingly break a part of Lucy’s heart. That was what I knew I would be doing when I told her I had a child by another woman. It didn’t matter that we weren’t together then, or that Lucy had been with someone else at the time. What would matter was that this child would always be a reminder, making it impossible to forget a devastating time in our lives.

“I think, I was angry with you, and I ended up taking that out on that poor little girl even though she didn’t deserve a single bit of what I put her through. None of this was her fault. She didn’t ask to be born to a devious woman. She didn’t ask to have a father who would be reluctant to have her here, or a stepmom who hated her at first for what she represented.” Lucy swiped at her face then, making me realize for the first time that she was crying once again. “I needed for you to have told me before she showed up, CJ. Not the thirty minute warning I barely had time to process, but the minute you found out she was a possibility, I should have been a part of that process. I’ve been angry with you because I thought we were a team now, and you didn’t trust me.”

“Luce,” I hummed out on a wave of emotion too great to contain. My own damn face was wet now. This was gutting me. “I do trust you. I didn’t want to break you. I couldn’t find a way to tell you something I knew that would hurt your heart.”

“That’s just it,” she offered quietly. “Once I was able to process everything, my heart didn’t hurt. Not where Ever is concerned. I just opened it up and made some extra space for her. You didn’t trust me to do that, and so by not telling me, it made for the horrible start she had here. She’s at an age where she’ll remember that forever, and I am so damn ashamed of myself,” she choked out. “Then you just left her here with me and took off. Every single night,” she tacked on at the end. “I haven’t been able to talk to you about anything, to even update you on where Ever and me are now. You don’t even know,”

“I saw you teaching her to make cookies,” I told her.

“She is going to need you too, you know. She had about ten minutes of you being a fierce dad protecting her from me, but then you disappeared. She just lost her mom, CJ. She needs her whole family.”

“We’ll talk about all the logistics with Ever tomorrow, Luce. Right now, I just want to know if I’m welcomed back into our room? All I can do is one thing at a time. My one thing right now is you, baby. I need you. I need to know that we’re going to be okay. Lucy, I can’t do this without you. None of it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t know how. I hoped…”

“You hoped she wasn’t yours?” I nodded my head. “Was that before or after you saw her?”

“Before,” I admitted. “I didn’t even need that damn test they had us do.”

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