Page 40 of A Love So Hard

(Lucy – age 24-28, Double-D – age 27-31)

Her right thigh was in my hand and the nurse was holding back the other as she was instructed to push one more time. Lucy was exhausted. She’d been at this for so long now, and it had come down to luck that she wasn’t wheeled into the damn operating room. At the last minute, she yelled that she had to push, and I started yelling for help. Our baby was finally making his or her way into the world, and my heart damn near seized in my chest at the overwhelming joy I felt intermingled with the sadness that I had missed all this with Toby. Lucy had filled me in on the dramatic arrival of my son. This didn’t seem to be going at all like her first delivery, and it had me worried.

“That’s it. Look at that head full of dark hair,” the doctor remarked. “One more push, Lucy, and you’ll be able to hold your baby.” The doctor smiled up at me quickly and then put her eyeballs back where they belonged, between my wife’s legs. Damn if that didn’t sound fucked up in my own head. “Come on, one more, let’s make it a good one!” Her coaching voice must have worked, because Lucy grunted her way through another push where the nurse and I both helped out in our own little way by keeping her thighs held tight. Then the doctor was holding our baby. The tiny little body was actually less bloody than I’d always imagined, but had white stuff caked onto it here and there. I started to worry as I watched, then a little scream pierced the air and I couldn’t hold back the tears that came.

“You have a daughter,” the doctor announced.

A daughter.

A princess.

A beautiful little girl that I just watched being brought into the world. She was a miniature version of her mom except the hair. The hair was all me.

“No wonder I had so much heartburn. Look at all that hair,” Lucy commented much to the amusement of the doctor and nurses. I just glanced around clueless. Not a damn one of them bothered to explain it to me though. It didn’t matter, because what came next nearly floored me.

“Dad, do you want to cut the cord?”

I turned my attention from the baby – my daughter –and back to the doctor. “Really?” She nodded her head and I went to work, freeing my daughter from the cord that attached her to her mother. Jesus. Our baby was whisked away momentarily as I stood there in a sort of shocked state. I had missed all of this with my son. Tears came faster down my face and I had to glance away from everyone in order to get my shit under control. So many conflicting feelings rolled through me. The loss of this experience the first time, the joy of having it this go round, and seeing my daughter brought back to her mother and placed on her chest all sent me into a whirlwind of emotions that I didn’t even think it possible for me to possess. I thought maybe I might be losing it a little and then Lucy’s voice grounded me again.

“Hi, sweet girl,” Lucy cooed to our daughter. I just watched, heart lodged somewhere in my throat. My girls were both healthy. The nurse mentioned seven pounds and eight ounces when they’d swept her away to do a quick cleanup and wrap her like a burrito in the pink and white blanket. They’d placed a little cap on her head too, and I just wanted to rip it off and marvel at that head full of dark hair she already had. Instead I leaned over and touched those tiny little fingers that had managed to escape her burrito-blanket prison. “Isn’t she perfect?” Lucy asked as she glanced up at me momentarily before locking onto our daughter’s little face once more.

“Of course she’s perfect, she came from you,” I announced. The women in the room all “awed” before the doctor cleared her throat.

“Once I get this taken care of we’ll give you guys a few minutes of privacy then they’ll need to take the baby to the nursery for just a bit.”

“What? Why would you need to take the baby?” I asked defensively, remembering why Lucy hadn’t been aware of her parentage for nearly her entire life.

“It’s okay,” Lucy informed me. “She has to get cleaned up, and they’ll do a couple tests, and put the security band in place on her ankle.”

I was still panicked. “No, you can do that in here!” It was definitely a demand.

The doctor just chuckled. “You’re more than welcome to go with the baby, Mr. Brothers, but it can’t be done here. She has to go to the nursery.”

I squinted my eyes up at the doctor as I spoke to Lucy. “I knew you should have just given birth at home. It’s not like you didn’t do it that way with Toby.”

“I nearly had to have a C-Section,” Lucy argued.

“But you didn’t,” I countered before turning my attention back to the doctor. “If I go with the baby whose going to stay with Lucy?”

The doctor and the two nurses both gave me a sympathetic, if knowing, look. “We can have someone come in to be with her, if you’d like.” It was the nurse who spoke this time.

“I’ll be fine. I’m just going to take a nap while you go watch our daughter get her first bath,” Lucy told me. When I looked back over at her it was obvious she was completely worn out. I gave her a nod and leaned in to kiss her lips softly.

“I love you, Lucy!” She offered up a tired smile and then waved me off.

“Go, be with our daughter. I need a nap.” I moved to follow the nurse, but before I got to the door I heard her quiet response. “I love you too, CJ.” My heart was somewhere in my throat again and beating erratically. I would never miss another thing in our lives, and damn sure I’d never miss it because of some bullshit involvement from other people. We’d had so many experiences that should have happened together robbed from us. I vowed in that moment that I would never allow anything to come between us again. I couldn’t take it. Lucy was my everything, and now I had a son and daughter to protect with my life. No fucking way was anything ever going to mess with the balance we’d finally found as a family. Not one damn thing.

PART TWO

Fixing the Cracks

Chapter 19

(Lucy – age 31, Double-D – age 34)

“My Tiger Lily isn’t going to be up for it. We didn’t tell anyone, but she was pregnant. Made it to 13 weeks this time.” I could see the tears in Merc’s eyes. Ever since Annalise had been born five years ago they had been trying to have a daughter of their own. His woman had been through three miscarriages in that time.

“Sorry to hear that man. You guys going to keep trying, or…?” I left the question hanging. I didn’t know how he was able to deal with the first two losses. I’d seen Lily after and if I ever had to see Lucy look that rung out it would kill me, let alone to go through it three times now.

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