Page 77 of Mob Saint

Growing old is all relative in my—our—world. My parents are in their mid-fifties, so my father is practically ancient by some standards. I often feel like I live on borrowed time. On any day, at any moment, I could die. That’s not me catastrophizing or being melodramatic. It’s simply the truth.

“Do you see anything else? Do you want something else?”

I hope I don’t misinterpret that when I answer.

“I do, but it doesn’t change what I’ve already said I want. What I’ve said isn’t contingent upon anything.”

Does she get what I mean?

“I nearly died in the accident. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I didn’t. While I was in the hospital, I didn’t know if I could have children. Once I knew I could, I didn’t think I’d want to. When you put your hand on my belly, there’s still an instinct to suck in and hide. I know you don’t like that, and that makes me feel beautiful. But when I get past that moment of fear you won’t like what you find, I like how?—”

Whatever she was about to say makes her think twice.

“Tell me the truth, Tiera. What were you going to say?”

“I think I’ve misunderstood. Never mind.”

“Little one.” I infuse some command into my voice.

I don’t want her to feel bullied into sharing her thoughts if it makes her uncomfortable. But if it’s something she likes or needs, then I want to give it to her whenever I can.

“After what Gareth said, it’ll sound stupid.”

“What part of the shite Gareth spewed do you mean?” The guy said a lot of bullshite.

“About being into—or rather supposedly being over being into possessive men. When I get over the moment of self-consciousness, I like how possessive it feels. I really liked it when we stood with my dad, and your hand was on my belly. It was like you were protecting what will be ours one day.”

Her cheeks flush.

“I was. You are mine. All of you. And I want that future with you. I wasn’t going to broach the subject until you did. I didn’t know what you wanted or whether you could. I never want to hurt you by bringing up what happened and being insensitive.”

“You are the furthest thing from insensitive, Daddy. Will you always get things right in the future? Probably not. Will you maybe say or do something insensitive from time to time? Yeah. I’ll make the same mistake too. But you are not an insensitive man.”

“Could you picture that?” I see the hope in her eyes.

“Yes. Do you want that?” I hold my breath.

“Definitely. You?”

“Absolutely.” And I exhale.

Did we just discuss marriage and having children together? I think so. Is that nuts? Probably. Am I excited by the possibility? Absolutely. Does it scare the shite out of me? One hundred percent.

What if she gets tired of the lies? What if she gets tired of me disappearing? What if she gets tired of me? Just because she’s used to this life doesn’t mean she’ll be happy with it after all.

“Shay, I can practically see your thoughts written across your face. I know what I’m getting myself into, and I don’t think our marriage would be like my past. You and Aaron couldn’t be more different than chalk and cheese. What I had with Aaron wasn’t what I signed up for. It was the exact opposite. That’s why it was so hard. It was a life I was familiar with and had purposely tried to abandon. I resented Darren and Aaron for sucking me back into it. I’m in a different position than I was back then. I’d like to think I’m wiser, but you are exactly how I want you. And I don’t think that will change.”

“But I will lie to you.”

“And it will keep you, your brother, your cousins, your father, your uncles, your mom, your aunts, your men, and me safe. What kind of person would I be to hold that against you? Especially since I know you will, and more importantly, why you will. I might not know where you’re going when you disappear for days, but I’ll know why. Daddy, you’ve already had to do that four times since we started dating. I knew then. You were born into this life. You’ve never had a choice. It’s not a choice you can make now. I can live with all of that. I can live with not coming first because I know that going into this.”

“You and any children we have will always come first when you can. I will always want and wish you could.”

“You’ve shown me that since the first soccer game. I haven’t doubted it.” She cups my cheek and gazes into my eyes with an intensity that wasn’t there a moment ago. “What did the Gaelic you said at the game mean? You’ve said it again since then.”

Am I blushing? Heat radiates from my cheeks. Fucking curse of being a redhead. Fortunately, next to nothing makes me blush. But this does.

“It means I’m going to marry you.”

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