Page 29 of Mob Saint

“Because it no longer works for me. You may never want what I do. You may never agree to go on a date with me. But it wouldn’t be fair to her if I’m picturing you when I’m with her.”

That’s a lot to take in. I understand it though.

“Have you been with your partner long?”

“Yes. Three years.”

I didn’t expect that.

“Three years, and it’s remained only sexual? Never romantic?”

“No. She knows I can’t—” His shoulders drop. “I couldn’t give her that. I didn’t—don’t—want to. I didn’t think I was capable of giving anyone more.”

“But you think you are now?” This is flattering and scary.

“I want to try, Tiera. But only with you.”

I lowered my hand at some point, but I don’t remember when. Now I look down at them. My head pops up the moment he backs away from me.

“This isn’t what you want. I shouldn’t have said all of this. You don’t have to say anything, Tiernan. I get it. I still don’t want you to go to Trenton without me. I don’t trust Gareth, but I don’t want to make you more uncomfortable.”

I think my jaw just hit the ground. “I never said what I do or don’t want. You’ve read me with uncanny accuracy until now. Do not call me Tiernan. I don’t want distance between us. Just the opposite. Shay, I have a 24/7 with my Dom. I shouldn’t be here with you because of that alone, never mind our families.”

“Do you live with him?”

“No. It’s not romantic either. I’m not cheating on him by being here with you right now and kissing you. But I’m definitely not acting acceptably. Whenever I’m near you or think about you, I want to walk away from that relationship. But you and I barely know each other. Two times in a courtroom during a trial and two soccer games plus a phone call, yet I feel like I’ve known you for ages. I left Trenton and moved to the city six months after the accident. Aaron was controlling to the hilt, and it left me angry and resentful. I needed to let that go. To let go of a lot of shit. I wanted to feel appreciated and supported in a way I thought I was going to when I got married. My arrangement fulfills a lot of my needs, and I’ve been happy with it. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself.”

I look down at my body, and the void I’ve felt since Darren walked into my home that night threatens to swallow me whole.

“The way my body’s changed over the past three years hasn’t altered the relationship. We don’t care about each other beyond our D/s dynamic. I’ve known all along, though, that it wasn’t and couldn’t be everything I need. I just haven’t wanted to say it aloud. He doesn’t know about my family. He doesn’t know why I still feel so out of control about so much of my life. Why my relationship with food isn’t what it should be. I can give up control about a lot of things voluntarily. But there’s so much more I feel like I can never control. I won’t give away control of what I eat, and no one’s taking it from me. So, it’s a comfort.”

What the ever-loving fuck possesses me to share this shit with a man I barely know? A man who feels like he knows me better than any living—or dead—soul ever has.

I plow on.

“You said your relationship isn’t working for you anymore. I’m afraid you and I won’t work. I’m afraid to walk away from a relationship that helped me put my world back together. But it will never be what it was before I met you. Seamus, this is confusing and scary. Yet, you’re who I want to turn to because I’m afraid.”

“You’re in a 24/7, but you said it isn’t romantic. Are you open to dating? Putting aside our families, is dating an option?”

“We agreed it was for either of us, but we haven’t revisited it since we got together three years ago. Neither of us has dated anyone.”

“Are you sure he doesn’t see your relationship differently now?”

“I don’t think so. Neither of us has suggested we see each other outside of our agreed upon time together. He calls to check on me, and I check in with him. We chat, and we tell each other things about our day. We talk about what we have coming up and things like that. But we don’t talk about our past or our families beyond things we might do with them. Nothing substantive. I can’t. We don’t plan for a future together. We don’t talk about something more binding or permanent.”

“But would he if he thought you’d be receptive?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know, Shay. I haven’t thought about it.”

“How I feel about my commitment is separate from how you feel about yours. Don’t change anything, Tiera. Continue with how things are if that’s what makes you comfortable. If you want to date, then I’d like that. If you want to be friends who compete against each other, then that’s fine too. I don’t want you to feel adrift.”

Fucking easy for him to say. I’m fucking holding onto a plank from the Titanic right now. I read a romance a while ago called The Red Drifter of the Sea. The pirate captain would set people adrift once he’d pillaged their ship. He even threatened to do that to the heroine who becomes his love interest. Seems rather apropos considering Seamus has come into my life and turned everything upside down, stealing what I’d insisted was harmony in my life. Maybe I should go back and read it again. It’s kinda kinky, and the pirate had red hair, too. Actually, now that I remember, the hero had a twin. Could be fucking Seamus and Cormac since they look so damn alike you could confuse them from a distance.

I nod. I haven’t felt this conflicted in a long ass time. I wish I was sitting on his lap again. I wish he was hugging me again. Safe and protected. Those words reverberate in my mind when I think about being near Seamus. Horny as hell, too. But that’s neither here nor there right now.

“Let me talk to him and see how he’d feel if I say I want to go out with someone.”

“Is that what you want?”

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