Page 30 of Falling With a Spin

“The real question is, what isn’t wrong? I spilled a few drinks on me at work today,” A humorless laugh leaves me, and she gives me an unamused look. “Okay, there is a lot I need to tell you-”

“You think?” She rolls her eyes

“Remember our first girl's day you planned?” I turn my head towards her.

“Yeah, why?” She squints her eyes at me.

“We went shopping downtown, had a one-hour massage session that left us both feeling like jello and had brunch at one of the cutest places I have ever seen.” I sigh. “The place even had a wall of eucalyptus and a neon sign that said More Mimosas & More Memories. We were so drunk!” I laugh.

“I’m pretty sure the waitresses knew we gave them fake I.D.,” Taylor throws her head back, laughing. “They didn’t say anything and just laughed when we became too drunk to take a clear photo.”

“Do you remember when we asked that couple to take our photo?”

“And turns out they weren’t a couple but actually siblings.” She squeals

We burst into laughter at the memory, and it feels good. I want to be happy and feel free like that again.

“Why are you bringing this up?” Taylor asks once we calm down.

“I thought we could have a girl's day again. I miss them and you.” I prepare myself for her reaction.

“Yes. Yes. YES. YES.” She gets up from the couch, bouncing on the balls of her feet and clapping her hands like a little girl.

“Okay,” A small laugh breaks free, and I shake my head at her giddiness.

“I know exactly what we are doing tomorrow.” She starts pacing back and forth with pure concentration on her face. “I’m going to start making appointments. I’m so excited.” She says, running into her room to start planning our day together.

A small giggle escapes me and I lean back on the couch just as an alarming sound comes from my stomach, and I realize that I haven’t eaten since this morning. I get up from the couch, decide to take a shower first, and then filter through the kitchen for something to eat.

Walking into my room, the book quotes and pictures of dancers that hang from the wall stop me, and I stare at them. I wonder what my world would look like if the accident hadn’t happened. Would I have loved Juilliard as much as I hope to have? Would I’ve met the potential like I know I could have? Would I have gotten a - I stop myself before I go into a spiral into the what ifs? I can’t live in the past, only the present.

My eyes open slightly, and I lift my hand to rub the sleep from them, but something is restricting my movement. I look down and see straps wrapped around my wrist. No matter how much I struggle against them, they don’t loosen. I take in my surroundings, wondering where I’m at.

I was just at a party, right?

Around me are plain black walls, and a dresser sits in the corner of the room. I look down to see that I'm lying on a bed, but I have no recollection of coming to lie down.

A door opens, and a dark figure steps in; I can’t make out who it could be. The figure walks over to me, stopping right before the bed. They reach behind them and bring out something I don’t recognize. They walk a few steps closer and the face is clear to me now.

“Chad?”

I startle awake, frantically looking around, taking in my surroundings. I’m in my apartment. I’m safe in my house. Nothing can hurt me here. I start to count down from ten and say out loud what currently surrounds me. It helps me know that I'm no longer in the dream, that Chad isn’t really here to hurt me anymore. I turn and look over at the clock in the kitchen, the light showing that it’s 7:30 am.

I rest my elbows on my knees, laying my head in my hands while I try to calm my breathing. I must have fallen asleep on the couch while reading, the book lies sprawled on the ground face up. I reach down to pick it up, but my hand starts shaking.

It’s not the first nightmare I’ve had from that night, and each one keeps getting worse. I wake up unaware of my location, strapped down to a bed, unable to move, and then Chad walks in. Then it ends. Sometimes, I’ll wake up drenched in sweat, my clothes sticking to my body, and not being able to breathe. Other times, I’m more aware of where I’m at, and all I need to do is countdown from ten, like tonight.

Taking a deep breath, I wipe the sweat drenched hair from my face and push off of the couch and walk to my bathroom, turning on the shower until it’s ice cold. I step in, the water instantly cooling me down. Counting down didn’t help me this time. I find myself leaning against the wall until a sob breaks through, and I fall to the ground. Closing my eyes, I let the tears stream down my face, mixing with water. There is a weight on my chest that's preventing me from breathing, no matter how hard I try. It feels as if my whole world is crashing down around me, and I'm suffocating underneath the debris.

I stay underneath the downpour of the shower, and I somehow come back to reality when a banging at my bathroom door startles me.

“Hey Em, our first appointment is in an hour. It’s a surprise, so don’t ask me.” Taylor says through the door, and I hear her faint footsteps as she leaves the room.

I pick myself up from the shower floor, take a deep breath in, and finish up, hoping that the water will wash away the feelings inside. Stepping out, I welcome the warmth of my towel as I wrap it around me and start blow-drying my hair. I throw my hair up in a messy bun, then quickly put on some concealer to hide the red, puffy eyes. I walk over to my closet and grab one of the many pairs of leggings, a yellow tube top, and a checkered flannel, then slip on the same chucks that I have worn for the past five years.

I take one last look in the mirror; my puffy eyes have lessened, but no amount of concealer will cover it. Straightening my back and putting on the best smile I can muster up as I stare at my reflection. Sighing, I put in some earrings that lay on my bathroom counter and walk out of my room to the kitchen, where Taylor is sipping on some coffee. She hands over one of the mugs to me, and I take a sip, letting the warmth fill me up inside.

“I'm so excited for today. I have a lot planned for us,” she says, placing her mug in the sink and a wide smile on her face. “Are you ready to go?”

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