Page 21 of Falling With a Spin

Sighing, I grab the shampoo from the shelf, put a good amount onto my palm, and massage it into my hair. Rinsing it, I close my eyes, trying to relax as the water cascades down me. What would life be like if I didn’t go to that party?

A humorless laugh breaks out from me because I shouldn’t have to think about what-ifs. But I haven’t made myself think anything further than what my memory reminds me of. I haven’t let my mind move beyond that. I'm afraid that if I do, then I won’t be able to come back from that.

Is that what really happened?

I finish up the shower and step out, wrapping myself in my robe. If I hadn’t taken one, something might have started growing underneath those covers, and that's a clean-up I don’t want to do. I let my hair down after taking a brush through it and grab my toothbrush. I walk over to my phone and see another couple of messages from Chad. I swipe my screen, clearing the notifications, and turn my phone off. After brushing my teeth twice, I slip on a new pair of pajamas and climb right back into bed.

I’m pulling the covers over my head again when a knock comes from my bedroom door.

“Go away,” I mumble as I lay under the covers. I hear the door open, and I pull my head out, “Taylor-” Except who I see is not Taylor. It’s my mom. And all the emotions that I thought were numbed come crashing back because my mom stares at me with worry in her eyes.

The last time I saw that look on her face was when the doctor came in and said there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to dance anymore without feeling pain. She didn’t want me to go spiraling down into depression.

“Honey,” her voice is laced with sadness. It feels like years since I’ve heard it. She comes to sit next to me on the bed, and I crawl into her lap while she holds me. Tears immediately fall, and I feel safe when my mom is around. I feel at home with her, and I miss her so much. I didn’t know I needed her until now.

I’m not sure how much time passes as we sit in silence, except the sound of my crying fills the room. She just holds me in her arms like a mother holding her child who scraped their knee from riding a bike. I lift my head to see her tear-soaked shirt. I mumble an apology as I move from her lap to a spot on the bed.

“As much as I love seeing you, why are you here?” I look over at her. My mom still has curly hair that will never grow past her shoulders. Her natural gray hair is coming in, and she always jokes with me that the gray hair is caused by the stress I give her.

“You can’t be mad,” She starts, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Taylor called me. She said you hadn’t left your room in weeks. She is worried about you, and I'm starting to worry, too.” She grabs my hand and clasps both together around mine. The ring on her middle finger scrapes against my skin gently. I look down to see it's small and dainty with hearts enclosing around it. My mom and Liz have the matching ring to symbolize their friendship, and I’ve never seen her take it off on any occasion.

Their friendship is one for the books, and I always yearned for one like theirs. Maybe Taylor is my Liz. I shouldn’t have shut her out, but what else was I going to do? I couldn’t just outright say what had happened. It’s agonizing, even closing my eyes, and the night plays over and over in my head.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” She places a piece of hair behind my ear that has fallen to the front of my face.

I have two choices.

1) I can tell my mom about what I think happened that night, and maybe she can help me figure out my thoughts.

2) I can say that Chad and I broke up because he is an asshole. I was tired of his shit and that he wasn’t treating me the way I should be treated.

I gnaw on my bottom lip and look away. I hate lying to my mom, but I also don’t want her to continue to worry about me. I can take care of this on my own. I just really needed my mom, and I'm happy she is here.

I decided to go with option two and not cause her any more stress and worry. “Chad broke up with me two weeks ago,”

“Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry,” She pulls me into her embrace once more. “I know you really liked him, and you two were together for a little while. But if he can’t see that you are worth keeping, then he isn’t worth your tears, Peanut.” She cradles my head against her chest.

“Thanks, Mom,” I mumble into her shirt.

We stay like that until the rumble of my stomach startles us, and a small smile appears on her face. We both pull ourselves off my bed and walk out of my room. Taylor is sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine, when she sees us. She throws it to the side and stands up, wrapping her arms around me. My arms instantly wrap around her waist, and I hold onto her for just a little longer.

“Thank you for calling her,” I whisper.

“I will always have your back, Em,” she pulls back and looks at me. “Also, I'm so glad you took a shower. I thought something was going to start growing in that room of yours.” We all laugh and make our way over to the couch.

“What do you want to eat,” My mom grabs a few of the takeout menus from the coffee table in front of us. “That stomach of yours will not stop. When was the last time you ate?” She arches her brow in the ‘I know how many days, so don’t lie to me’ way.

“Umm, I think maybe three days. I do have snacks in my room, so I was eating those if that makes you feel better,” A big fake smile shows up on my face, and my Mom just shakes her head.

“I do not feel better, Emma Chase deKanter. Now, pick something off of these menus.” She hands me a handful, and I place them back down on the table.

“Can we actually go out to eat?” I look to my left towards Taylor and back to my mom, who sits on my right. “I haven’t left the house in two weeks, and if I stay in here any longer, I will suffocate.”

“Oh my god, yes, finally!” Taylor throws her hands in the air. “I haven’t been outside in what feels like ages, well, other than to go to classes.”

A laugh escapes me, and it sounds foreign. When was the last time I truly laughed? It feels freeing. I know this isn’t the end of it, and I will have a lot to go through. But that's what happens when you fall; you pick back up the pieces that are scattered on the floor before you glue yourself back together.

“Both of you change while I find a place to eat,” She smiles at the both of us.

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