Page 116 of Thrones We Steal

“He was all of those things, Celia, and I won’t let you speak about him like that.”

“He’s the reason I’m in this place! He’s the reason we’re not at Maison de Lierre right now, the reason I’m married to Henry instead of Beck.”

“No, he’s not.” She looks me straight in the eye. “You are.”

I flinch, but she’s not done.

“You are courageous and loyal and good, and that’s why you’re in this position. A lesser person would have said no. You didn’t say yes because you thought your father would have said yes. You said yes because your father raised you to be the kind of person who does.”

There’s a hot ball of tears burning the back of each eyelid, but I forbid them from coming any further. “It still changes everything.”

“If you had known this before, would you have chosen differently?”

I already know the answer, and so does she, but I pretend to give it serious thought. Finally, I whisper, “I don’t know.”

“Your father lost his courage, yes. But it was that shortcoming that made him determined to raise his daughters to be better, to be stronger than he’d been.”

“I’ll never see him the same way again.”

She rubs a perfectly manicured hand over her knee. “Which is exactly why I never intended to tell you.”

“But surely people knew? How have I not found this out before now?”

“We paid a lot of money to keep the news from circulating. And to keep your father out of prison.”

“The money from the estate.”

She nods and I can see that this secret has aged her. “It was the only thing we could think of.”

It hadn’t been enough to stop the rumors. Even I’d heard them. But they never mentioned his name.

“Did he regret joining?”

She shakes her head before the words have all left my mouth. “No. He was ashamed of quitting early, but he never regretted the years he spent in service to this country.”

It’s a small consolation, but it doesn’t change what he did.

“How will I ever hold my head up again?” I say.

“You are not your father. You possess a strength and courage he never did. You’re going to do incredible things as this country’s queen.”

“I’m scared.” My jaw quivers, and I want her to pull me against her chest like she did when I was little.

She doesn’t. Instead she clasps my shoulders and turns me to face her. “Courage is bravery in the face of fear. Your father lacked it, but you don’t. Besides, you’re not alone in this.”

She means Henry, but I don’t have the strength to tell her that he’s deserted me too.

* * *

Sleep joins the list of deserters in my life. I toss and turn, unable to get the image of my father in his uniform out of my mind. How could he do it? How could he give up when the going got tough?

I’m secretly glad Rosalind didn’t tell me sooner. I can’t imagine living with this knowledge for any longer than I already have. To know that my own father took the coward’s way out because he couldn’t handle the what-if’s …

My conversations with Adelaide and Bea choose that very inconvenient moment to float back through my sleep-adverse mind.

Are you scared of approaching Henry or what he’ll say if you do?

Henry is crazy about you. He always has been.

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