Page 142 of Fly with Me

Snorting, Olive grabbed the notebook from the floor where it had fallen during her mental breakdown. She read over the list she’d written and settled on one particular line. “So, I might have one idea.”

Chapter 51

On a scale where ten is completely content with one’s life choices, and zero is regretting everything, Olive Murphy was sitting pretty at a negative three. Unfortunately, she was also sitting in the cockpit of a goddamn Cessna.

“How’re you feeling?” Esther said from the seat beside her.

“Terrified.” She’d taken the Valium as instructed by Joni in conjunction with a conversation with her new therapist. Her panic felt like an indentation on a piece of paper. She couldn’t see it exactly, but if she focused on it too long, she could feel where it should be. Esther was performing her final checks, chatting with the people in the small tower at the regional airport. Olive was breathing deliberately slowly. Calling Esther had been terrifying in and of itself, but she knew Stella wouldn’t mind.

Esther’s cheeks glowed, an easy smile on her face.

“I’m glad you called me. It’s been too long since I’ve been up in the air for the joy of flying. It’s a beautiful day. Now I have an excuse to get away from my teenagers for a few hours.”

Olive laughed and swallowed, gripping the giant headphones on her ears.

“Anxiety is real and challenging, and I’m not going to pretend I know how to handle it for everyone. But for Margaret we had one particular technique that helped. Would you want to hear it?”

Olive swallowed as she surveyed the mosaic of dials and knobs and screens in front of her. Why were there so many? “Yes, please?”

“We started by acknowledging her fears and how fear can be a blessing and a curse.”

“A blessing?”

“Sure, fear at its most basic is a way of protecting ourselves.”

“That’s true.”

“Margaret is a high school history teacher, so she found an Eleanor Roosevelt quote and used it as a mantra. I’ve heard it so many times, I know it by heart now.”

Olive shifted her weight, trying to settle herself more comfortably in the seat. “What is it?”

Esther smiled. “‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.’”

“‘You must do the thing you think you cannot do,’” Olive repeated.

“Yes.” Esther cleared her throat. “From what Stella told me, you’re used to looking fear in the face in your job.”

The mention of Stella’s name sent a shock of pain through her. “I guess so.”

“Getting in the plane was the first step.” She patted Olive’s shoulder. “You have lived this horror. You can take the next thing that comes along.”

Olive nodded.

“Now the next step is getting in the air. Are you ready?”

Olive nodded again. She stared straight out the window, locking in her body. She could do this. She could do this. She could do this.

Esther moved through an effortless choreography of the steps for takeoff. Olive stopped trying to guess what it all meant and instead focused on the blue sky, thinking through Esther’s words. She thought about all the things she was scared of. Heights. Public speaking and singing. Her fear always seemed like a unilaterally bad thing. A joke her parents would use when she wouldn’t do the daring thing on the playground or dive into the deep end like her sister. “Oh, Olive’s just afraid of everything.”

But it had also helped her. Fear had stopped her from proposing to Lindsay or moving in with her, which had been the right decisions. Fear had made her cautious. Which could be good or bad, she supposed.

As the plane sped forward, she thought of times she’d been brave.

Coming out to her parents. Even though Jake had set the tone for that in their family, it had still been hard. Running that stupid half-marathon. Going to nursing school and working her ass off to be good at her job even on the days it scared the shit out of her.

Fighting for Jake even though she’d lost the battle against the lawyers.

I have lived through this horror.

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