Page 138 of Fly with Me

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t being sensitive at all. That was awful.” Stella held Olive’s upper arms. An expression of sudden understanding mixed with panic on her face. “Of course this whole situation is triggering for you. Slow down, you don’t want what?”

“This.” She gestured between them, stepping away from Stella’s touch. “I got caught up. And I wasn’t thinking. I’m going to get hurt.” Olive’s mind was moving a mile a minute. Regrets piled on regrets. The articles. The interviews. The fake relationship. All of it. It was all an enormous mistake.

Stella had been up front. Stella had told her exactly what she wanted, and Olive had been blinded by dimples and orgasms into pretending that she wasn’t hoping for a different outcome. Olive felt like her heart was creased and scored like a movie ticket, ready to be cleanly torn apart at any moment.

This would end in rejection, and she couldn’t bear to hear Stella say she didn’t want her. Not with everything else going on. Her sister. Lindsay. Her mother. Probably even Derek and Joni. They all knew that Stella was out of Olive’s league. That was why they’d all thought this would end in heartbreak from the very beginning.

“I should have listened,” Olive mumbled. “To everyone.”

Stella seemed to be struggling for words, dread widening her sparkling eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m sick of pretending. You don’t even like me.”

“I do like you, Olive.”

“Right. As a friend.”

The word clanged between them.

Stella went still. Olive had never seen Stella freeze like this. “I told you, Olive. I-I hurt people. You had a toxic ex, but I know I was the toxic ex. The one who didn’t remember to call. I was the one who left two good people with broken hearts because something inside me is messed up. I couldn’t hurt you. But I did hurt you tonight.” Stella’s shoulders slumped. It was as if she was shrinking. “Ugh, I did what I swore to myself I wouldn’t do.”

“Stella.”

Her voice was small now, more tentative than Olive had ever heard it. “After Florida… I missed you. We had just met, but I missed you.”

Olive couldn’t figure out what to say that wouldn’t reveal how entirely infatuated she’d been after that one day together. No wonder Derek had been trying to stop this.

“I came home and my friend in HR made an offhand comment about how gorgeous you were and how the airline would be on board with anything that would keep the story going. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, but I know myself. I couldn’t be trusted with someone like you especially with what was going on with your family. I came up with this stupid idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“I should have left you alone. But everything was so easy.” Stella stared down at the pavement, her black high heel tapping where flattened circles of gum interrupted the grain of the concrete.

The space between their bodies felt tangible, like something Olive could touch if she extended her fingertips a few inches toward the woman she loved. She still couldn’t find words.

Stella squeezed her eyes shut. “It’s never been like this for me with anyone. The day I found out you were sick and came over, I almost called out of work and dropped everything because I hated leaving you.” She shook her head. “That’s not how romantic relationships are with me. I always put work first, because if I don’t, I’ll fail. How could I ask you…” Stella’s eyes lifted, surveying Olive in a way that made her feel completely bare. “I couldn’t ask you to be with someone like me, who wouldn’t put you first. God, I’ve been so selfish.”

Olive shook her head. “You told me what you wanted. I didn’t listen.”

“No, I—”

“You’re allowed not to want me, Stella. It’s okay.”

Well, it was okay in the sense that Olive’s life already felt shattered. What does it matter if someone stomps on the glass shards? Fuck, even Olive’s stupid internal monologue metaphors were hackneyed and histrionic.

Olive sighed. “I thought… well, you were there for me so many times, I thought maybe… But that’s my fault. You were honest the entire time, and I chose to put my heart on the line. I’m not angry with you. I’m mad at myself for being stupid.”

“You aren’t stupid.” Stella’s hand twitched as if she wanted to reach out, but she balled it into a fist and locked it to her side.

Olive understood. Stella didn’t even want to touch her because she was so afraid of giving Olive the wrong idea again.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a distraction from your job and your dad.” Olive huffed self-deprecatingly. “I guess I’m just like Lindsay warned you I was at the hotel. Jesus, no wonder you didn’t leave me your number then.”

Shit, Olive should not have said that. More evidence she was in no mental state to be having a conversation like this. The darkest, most anxious instincts of her brain were on overdrive, forcing words out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“No. You can’t think that about yourself. That’s not why.” Stella took a reluctant step toward Olive. “That night, I thought you were still hung up on Lindsay. You barely said anything after we got back to the hotel room that night after running into her. I thought she was your type, all tiny and blond and hipstery and Coachella sexy, and I wasn’t those things. She said the thing about overnight phone calls and you had so much going on with your brother.” Stella exhaled and crossed her arms over her chest. “Everything about that day was perfect.”

How could someone sound so defeated while saying the word perfect?

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