Page 86 of The Book Swap

That was the moment I knew how it felt to be infinite. I didn’t need to drive through a tunnel in a car; I just needed to hold my niece. She was wearing a little hat, which crinkled as she frowned. She was making different noises as a multitude of expressions swept across her face. A pout. Surprise. Very cross. Totally relaxed. Peaceful.

I’ve never felt anything like it. The space that opened up within my heart and flooded it with a whole new type of love. There I was telling myself I didn’t know how to feel things, after Bonnie. It turns out it’s possible. So very possible to feel grief, and love, all at once.

“Mum’s so excited you’re moving back.” Georgia appears in my doorway with her boob back under her top and Wren now flat out with her mouth open.

“She is,” I say in a high-pitched voice reserved only for my niece. “Still gave her a final slagging off in therapy.”

“Of course you did.” Georgia laughs.

“She didn’t say, but I think Philippa’s going to miss me.”

“She’s definitely going to miss my money.”

Ever since Cassie mentioned the idea of me moving back to Frome, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What it would feel like to return there and do something I’ve always dreamed of doing. I’m going to finally go back to Frome College.

Derek told me about one of the English teachers retiring at the end of the school year. They’re looking for a replacement, and it ties in with the end of my course. While I can’t be sure I’ll ever do as good a job as Derek did with me, it feels right to try. To continue his passion for the subject. To get back the years there that I missed.

Georgia hands me Wren, and walks into the room, looking around.

“It looks so empty in here.”

I stroke Wren’s cheek, heart swelling at the softness of her skin. The perfect features. How peaceful she always looks. It’s as though the love I have for her has helped ease the pain of losing Bonnie. Not a lot, but enough.

“So, I’ll take her home in the car and meet my removals people, and then you come over tomorrow and we’ll go from there?”

“You bet.”

I was worried my news would devastate Georgia, but instead she sank with relief. It turned out she’d been considering a move herself ever since Wren was born, but didn’t have the heart to tell me. She wanted to be closer to Mum and Derek, and all the help they’re so desperate to give in the grandparenting department, so she’s moving too, with Rishi’s approval. He’s been trying to escape London life and will follow Wren anywhere. Georgia and I are both staying at Mum’s until we find somewhere to live. All of us, back under one roof. It’s what Mum wanted after everything that happened—but just a few years too late.

It’s worked out for Cassie too. She’s moving in with her new boyfriend, Joel. She got chatting to him at Bonnie’s memorial and they bonded over their best friends’ unusual exchange on the dance floor. After all her wishing, Cassie finally met someone, in person. Joel took her on a first date the next day and when she gave him her speech about wanting something serious, he threw his head back and sighed with relief. He’d just returned from some life-changing trip to America and was all about making the most out of life. About building a future with someone.

It was on that date he told Cassie what James had said. That there was nothing between us and whatever was there before needed to be left in the past. That he’d gone to the memorial to tell me the truth about Bonnie. He wanted to end things and move on with no more secrets between us.

I needed Cassie to tell me, but I couldn’t keep hearing about James after that. I asked her not to mention his name again, so I could be happy for her at all times, without it being wrapped up in missing him. Now our conversations are a careful balance of mentioning Joel’s name while erasing the name of the best friend that’s normally attached to it.

Beneath the shock of finding out what happened with James and Bonnie, all I’ll ever feel is gratitude. For all of it. In that moment, when I saw him dressed as her, telling me that she forgave me, I didn’t see him anymore. I saw my best friend. I saw Bonnie. I heard her voice. I let myself believe it, just a little. After all, Bonnie wasn’t perfect either. She lied to me about James, and somehow that makes everything a little better. It’s a relief to remember her as a human again, instead of as a saint.

That isn’t the main reason I’m so grateful though. I’m grateful to James, for being strong enough to be there for Bonnie when I couldn’t be. Now, when I imagine her going through treatment, I don’t have to picture her alone. I see James beside her, holding her hand. I see the two of them talking and laughing, the way they used to at school. The way they’d probably have continued to if I hadn’t insisted on breaking up their friendship. They found each other again, and I’m so happy that they did.

I help Georgia put Wren into her car seat and insist on carrying her out and strapping her in. Once I’ve waved them off, the weather’s so nice I decide to walk. To go on a trip down memory lane and say goodbye to my little neighborhood.

I make my way along Southwell Road and up Cambria Road, under the tunnel. The walk I used to do, up to five times a day sometimes, hoping for something from Mystery Man. From James.

For old times’ sake, I walk toward the library. Eileen’s looking worse than ever. One of the doors has hardly any paint left on it, and a piece of the roof has come off. The wood underneath looks like it’s rotting. The sides are peeling and soon there’ll be no color left at all. Eileen would hate it.

I bend down and open the doors, the same rush of adrenaline flooding me, even through memories. I lived my whole life here for a while. Maybe I’ll take one book with me, as a memento.

Scanning through the titles, I pull out one which I think I’ve already read, check out the blurb on the back to confirm it, and then return it. As I look across the top shelf, my eyes land on one that makes my heart jolt. The Perfect History by Edward James Parr. It can’t be—but it’s too much of a coincidence to be anything else.

Opening the first page, I feel my heart start racing as I read the dedication.

To Erin. These extra wide margins are for you.

Shivering, I flick through the pages and it’s true. The margins of this book are wider than all the others. There’s space for so many notes.

This book is written by James, and his first name is Edward. On the spine there’s a publisher’s logo, while on the front, in a different font beneath his name, are the words “Uncorrected Proof Copy.” An early copy of his book. He’s done it.

I check the back of the book as I always did. In writing, beneath the words “The End,” it says:

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