Page 82 of The Book Swap

It’s hard to concentrate. Now I’ve spoke to Bonnie’s parents, all I can do is think about James. Every time someone walks toward the door, my eyes dart toward it in case it’s him. I’m not even sure if he’s coming, but I have to believe he is. If he doesn’t turn up, everything I’ve prepared is for nothing.

“I think I might have fallen a bit in love with Frome,” Cassie says, looking around the room. She nods toward a bumblebee, who throws his head back and laughs, before pretending to buzz around the group he’s with.

“All Londoners do!”

“Would you ever move back here?”

I’ve actually always loved it here. The beautiful little streets, so different and distinctive. The pubs that are full of character, and characters, each with such opposing personalities. The gentrification in recent years is something people like Mum and Derek love to complain about, while lapping up all the new restaurants and independent shops that have opened because of it. I had some of my happiest times here, and it’s where I feel closest to Bonnie. We had great times in London too, but this town is where we cemented our friendship. Formed our unbreakable bond.

“Maybe one day,” I say and Cassie grins.

“Not before you’ve had a few more months with the best flatmate of your life, obviously.”

We lock eyes, bringing our glasses together for a cheers.

“To you,” Cassie says. “And starting your teacher training. Can you believe it? One year from now you’ll officially be known as ‘Miss.’”

“And to you, incorporating a business. One step closer to ditching Charlotte for good.”

We grin at each other, and take a drink, just as Bonnie’s parents take to the stage dressed as Bananas in Pyjamas.

This year her dad does the welcome speech, grateful that we’re coming back year after year to remember their daughter. He tells a story about Bonnie running toward the sea that so perfectly sums up her enthusiasm for life that everyone’s laughing and crying before he even speaks the final words.

“I’m grateful that she lived and I’m grateful for what she taught me. We love you, Bonnie, and we always will.” He reaches an arm around his wife and squeezes her shoulder, before standing tall and announcing the talent contest.

“Wow,” Cassie mouths at me.

They launch into the contest with Bonnie’s sisters, looking so much more grown up than last year as they open with a dance. Someone sings a version of “Candle in the Wind,” which is so bad that everyone starts to turn away from the stage, unable to keep looking. A group of girls I don’t recognize sing a Spice Girls song and a younger boy plays drums in a gorilla suit like the Phil Collins advert. Where’s James?

Bonnie’s dad reappears on stage, inviting the next act up. If James isn’t here, I can’t do it. Standing up to leave, I hear my name. “Erin Connolly.” Bonnie’s dad is staring right at me and I can’t let him down. Not again. I’ve got no choice. Even if James isn’t here, I have to go up. Reaching into my bag, I pull out a book and start walking.

There are murmurs as I take the steps closest to our table. Maybe because they know who I am, or because of who I’ve come as. I step toward the microphone.

“I’m going to be reading an extract from The Perks of Being a Wallflower—a book Bonnie loved.”

A hush falls around the room. I open the book, hands shaking. I know the words off by heart, but I need the book now. To look down, instead of out into the audience. Coughing, I start to read. I read the passage where Charlie, Sam and Patrick fly through the tunnel together in a car. The moment where the three of them cement their friendship.

“Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel. Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player... Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder.”

I reach the last paragraph, I stand up straighter, pushing my shoulders back. I glance across at Cassie and she grins at me, giving me a thumbs-up. I try to find James, but I can’t recognize anyone. I just have to project my voice and hope he understands that this is for him. This is the best way I can think of, to tell him how I feel.

“Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing.”

I’m not reading about the three of them; I’m reading about the three of us. About me, and James, and Bonnie. Our friendship. I want him to know I remember it.

Ahead of me a group of blueberries part down the middle and someone slowly appears through the center. For a second I catch my breath, because all I see is Bonnie’s clothes. Her treasured Louboutin heels, the maroon jumpsuit which I almost chose to wear myself and red lips framed by a bright blond wig. Stumbling over my words, I try to finish my sentence. Close my eyes. Recite it from memory.

“‘And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.’”

My voice wobbles on the last word, as I think about me and James. About everything we’ve been through together. How it has to be true for us. We’re infinite. Our relationship has no limits. It can’t be measured. We will always exist together.

Swallowing, I close the book to signal the end of the reading and give a small curtsey. Cassie stands up and starts clapping and whooping so loud that everyone else realizes I’m done, and a quiet ripple of applause makes its way around the room.

I didn’t do it for the applause, but I’m still somewhat hurt that the reaction will barely register on the noise meter. None of that matters for long though, as the person dressed as Bonnie takes another step forward toward the stage, wobbling as they do on one foot and then the other, like a baby giraffe.

Leaning back on my flat-heeled trainers, I laugh, because of course it’s him. Somehow, our fancy dress outfits have matched yet again.

Walking to the edge of the stage, I take the steps and nod toward James for the sake of Cassie. Then, heart pounding, I walk toward him, preparing to say everything else I’ve been planning.

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