Page 80 of The Book Swap

She stands up and leaves the room, my heart rushing with love for her, and gratitude that she lives here now instead of Callum.

The moment she’s gone, Bonnie’s back. I grimace. “Did she squash you? Sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier. Except...” She looks down at herself, sitting back in the chair. She’s in a bright green jacket, with black-and-white trousers. “I’d never wear this. If you’re going to keep me alive in your imagination, can you at least make it accurate.”

I shake my head, grinning. “I knew you’d help me eventually.”

Bonnie frowns, staring at me, as I pick up my phone. I know exactly what my costume will be for this year’s fundraiser.

30

JAMES

The moment I see Frome College ahead of me, all the familiar feelings come creeping back. Sweat forms on my upper lip and I roll the sleeves up on my shirt. I don’t know why I’m even doing this. Why I agreed to it. It made sense at the time to face my fears, but now the moment’s here, I don’t think I can.

A group of boys are hovering at the entrance and I stop, just for a second, flashbacks racing into my mind. On a different day, when I was still at school, that sight would have been enough to make me turn back around. Now, Joel appears, breaking up the circle to wave at me.

“Out of my way please, boys,” he says, and the group disperses. “It looks so much smaller than I remember it being.” He signals behind him with his thumb, walking toward me and pulling me in for a hug. “The classrooms. The people...”

I laugh, shaking myself out of the memories. “I guess we’re bigger these days.”

“Exactly.” He locks eyes with me, and I get what he’s doing. He’s trying to change the place before I walk into it. Make it somewhere different, so I don’t feel the same.

“Let’s do this,” I say, walking ahead of him. He slaps me on the back and runs to walk beside me. Always so competitive.

“Actually, mate, it’s just you,” he shouts back.

I stop. “What?”

“It’s quite hard to do a speech about the job you’re in when you’ve quit.” His face breaks into a grin as my mouth hangs open.

“You what? You quit?”

“Yup.” It’s the most I’ve seen him smile in weeks. Maybe years. “It was bullshit. All of it. I thought I was living, in London. Can you believe it?” He looks across at me. “I actually thought I had a life, but all I ever had was a job. Money and stability. I went back to Orlando hoping it would feel like home. It doesn’t. Nowhere does.” He looks down at his feet, scuffing his shoe against the ground. Pretty sure it’s a Yeezy one. The ones that cost hundreds of pounds. “That’s when I realized, if I want a home, I’ve got to build it myself. It’s up to me.” His eyes are wide as he turns to me. “You’ve got so much to be grateful for, mate. A job doesn’t mean anything. But love. A place to call home. A passion. That’s life. That’s living. The rest is just filler. And in case you’re wondering, yes...I’m hoping I inspire you to do the same. Force you out of that comfort zone of yours and get you doing what you actually want instead.”

A group of students walks past us and into the hall we’re due in any minute.

“But for now...go lie through your teeth.” He hits me on the back and walks ahead of me into the hall, pushing his shoulders back as he’s greeted by the head teacher, Mr. Marsden.

I always thought Joel was totally in control of his life, but it seems like it was the other way around. His life was in control of him, until just now. He’s done the brave thing, again. He’s quit on something that isn’t working for him. He’s set himself free. I looked up to him for going after what he wanted with that job, back when we left school. I thought it’s what I wanted too. I’m not sure it’s what either of us want anymore.

The hall’s swarming with teenagers. There are so many of them that I can’t even fixate on one group. They look so young. Jumping off chairs and pushing into each other. Laughing and shouting across the room. How could I have let a group of kids, who had no idea what they were doing with their life, control what I did with mine?

Mr. Marsden approaches me, shaking my hand.

“James, great to see you back here. I was surprised when I saw what job you were going to be speaking about. Always hoped you’d go into something English related, but my students always surprise me.”

Smiling, I take in how much his face has changed. How gray his hair is. How wise his eyes still look behind his thick-rimmed glasses.

“I still do the odd bit,” I say. “Don’t give up on me yet.”

“Glad to hear it,” he says, leading me backstage. “Doesn’t have to be long, just try to keep them interested. Inspire them.”

Nodding, I look down at the A4 page of notes I’ve typed out. I’m not sure “interested” was what I had in mind when writing it. I scan the words I’ve been writing over the past few days. The words I’ve been practicing with Dad. The words I’ve bored Elliot with and murmured at Mum while she’s been sleeping.

I hardly listen to the other talks. Mr. Marsden calls my name and I walk onto the stage, standing in front of the microphone.

Elliot assured me I wouldn’t be able to see the audience, which is total bullshit. The second I look out, I can see rows and rows of bored teenagers staring back at me.

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