Page 75 of The Book Swap

“I was so worried, and the whole time it was my arsehole. I thought something was happening to the baby and it was just my anus bleeding through the strain of carrying it.”

She waits for me to join in on the joke, but I’m not ready to laugh. I’m still taking it in.

“I swear to God the weirdest shit happens when you’re pregnant. My vagina is so swollen, it’s like I’ve got a trout pout down there. Honestly. If you saw it, you’d think it was Donatella Versace.”

I’m still trying to catch my breath. She stops making jokes and looks across at me.

“Can I be honest about something?”

“Of course.”

She stops, resting both hands on her bump. “It’s the first time I’ve felt connected to this baby. I’ve spent the last few months so unsure if I even want it, but the moment I thought I was losing it... Well, now I don’t just want it, I’m desperate for it.” She stretches a hand out across her stomach. “I can’t wait for it to arrive.”

A feeling rushes over me that I can’t quite place. A weight in my chest.

“Me neither,” I say. “And I can’t wait for you to boss it as a single mum. You’re going to be amazing.”

We lock eyes, both filling with tears.

“God, Erin,” she says, shaking her head. “The amount of time we spend fixating on all the bad things about someone. I’ve wasted months finding reasons not to want this baby. I could have just been loving it instead.”

A lump forms in my throat, and I know what the weight in my chest is. It’s James. Memories are piling in before I can stop them. James falling against me at the house party. James on the bus, big eyes staring down at me. James shouting after me as Georgia reversed away from the library. James just now, with a locked jaw and blazing eyes.

“I think...” I say. “I think I know exactly what you mean.”

Georgia reaches across and takes my hand, squeezing it.

When we make it back home, Mum comes rushing out of the house toward us as we climb out of the car. We called her on the way back, explaining what had happened.

She reaches us, taking hold of Georgia and hugging her.

“She’s okay,” I say. “Everything’s okay.”

Derek appears behind her.

“Thank God,” he mutters, and I can see real concern on his face. The three of us lead Georgia inside and she heads straight up the stairs to bed.

For a second I go to follow her, but that isn’t the promise I’ve made with myself. There’s something else I need to do instead.

“Can we have a word, Mum?” I ask as Derek widens his eyes and disappears into the kitchen.

Mum nods and leads me into the sitting room, taking a seat on the sofa. I sit beside her.

My eyes land on her face and I almost can’t do it, but I can see James in my head, standing in the car park, shouting at me to listen. I didn’t—and I think I’ve lost him because of it. I don’t want to lose my mum—I’ve just been so afraid that I already have.

I take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” I say now, staring down at her hands, clutched together on her lap. “I’ve never asked you for your version of what happened. I can’t promise I’m going to understand it, but you deserve to tell me.”

Mum’s eyes fill with tears, and I blink away my own.

“If I could change the way it all came out, of course I would,” she begins, locking her eyes on mine. “If I’d known the hurt it would cause you. If I’d known what I’d put poor James through, blaming himself for you leaving.”

I frown. “How do you know about that?”

Mum shrugs. “He used to meet up with Derek sometimes, after college the following year. He had this book idea he wanted to talk about. It was very good, apparently. It was an apology, really. To you... That poor boy. What he went through at school...”

My chest tightens. Everyone knew but me.

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