Page 42 of The Book Swap

“Would you like me to read to you while she does this?” I ask, and tears fill Georgia’s eyes as she nods. I pull Middlemarch from my bag, desperate to flick to the back and see if any questions await, but thankfully I have just about enough self-awareness to know that now isn’t the time.

I start at the Prelude, and Georgia squeezes her eyes shut as I read about the “little girl walking forth one morning hand in hand with her still smaller brother,” but then her forehead softens. The lines disappear from her brow. Her hand still grips mine, but less strongly.

She stares at the screen, half listening to me, half to the doctor, while internally I suspect her brain is questioning what her life is about to become. I see every emotion moving across her face, only glad I can be part of it all. A little bit glad as well, that somehow Mystery Man has become part of this too.

Georgia leaves soon after her scan to see a client—probably the perfect remedy for her right now is to focus on someone else’s problems—and I go straight home to reconnect with my books. Thankfully, Callum has decided to go into work for once, and I don’t have to deal with us ignoring each other in the flat. Without any discussion, neither of us have knocked for the other in a while.

Landing on the bed, a rush of happiness fills me as I catch sight of the new blanket I’ve added, to give the room some color. It’s a Habitat throw, bright yellow, broken up with dashes of white.

“You’re learning, girl,” Bonnie says, grinning at me. She’s wearing a bright orange T-shirt, a rainbow headband covering her sleek black bob.

Cassie messages and I pick up my phone with a wave of hope. She had a date last night and I messaged to check in, but she’s only just replying. That’s got to be a good sign.

Cassie: DISASTER! Knew I didn’t fancy her from the moment she sat down, but I’m so used to starting a date with my speech, that I went for it anyway, hoping it would put her off. TOTAL OPPOSITE. She was delighted, and took it to mean we were basically girlfriends already. I had to feign a dramatic message about my nonexistent cat being ill and leave. She sent so many lovely, worrying messages that I’ve only just dared come back on WhatsApp, and now I have to tell her the truuuuuth. Save me.

Laughing, I type out a reply telling her to keep going with her mission for love as I reach for The Great Gatsby. I flick to the back of the book to read Mystery Man’s answers. I haven’t been as excited about a book since James and I discovered our mutual love of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. We took it to school with us every day, eyes wide as we both read out new lines we’d discovered. “What about what Patrick says to Charlie. About the way he understands him?”

“Don’t. I get teary just thinking about it.” We spoke about it so much that Bonnie got herself a copy, claiming she felt left out. We promised each other that the second one of us passed our driving test, we’d go through a tunnel late at night with our favorite song playing. That’s the moment the three friends in the book realize they feel infinite. We wanted to know what it felt like to be infinite too.

“You’ll definitely be the one screaming, like Sam does,” James said, nudging me as Bonnie laughed. I moved away. I didn’t want Bonnie to see what happened to my face when James touched me.

Bonnie was the first of us to pass her test, and by the time she did we weren’t friends with James anymore. We never did drive through that tunnel.

6. What kind of person do you think Eileen was?

I think she smoked like an absolute trouper, swore every other word and spoilt her grandchildren rotten.

So he’d noticed the plaque on the community library, in the same way that I had. We both had the same idea of her.

7. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be, and why?

Atticus Finch, for obvious reasons. My new purpose is for someone to call me a “dreamboat” before I die.

8. How often do you visit the library?

Yours was the first book I ever took, from my very first visit. And since then? More times than Eileen could swear in an hour.

9. Do you think, in real life, we’d get on?

From our limited exchanges (of which I hope there’ll be more), you have the qualities I enjoy most in someone. Funny. Smart. Opinionated without being embarrassed about it. Can I be honest? Argh! I’m going to be. You’ve taught me more, not just about fiction but also about myself, since we started this Mystery Book Club than I’ve learned in years. So...in real life, I’d say if you were patient while I humiliated myself through pure admiration, then once we got through that, we’d get on.

Swallowing, I put the book down, my heart sinking with it. He’s got me all wrong. The version of me he sees in the pages of these books isn’t real. I know because of that, I can never meet him. I’d only disappoint him. The way he’s describing me is how I’d describe someone else. It’s how I’d describe Bonnie. That might be why, subconsciously, I chose this next book. It was Bonnie’s favorite: Beloved, by Toni Morrison. Reading it now, it’s as though the message within it is her way of saying goodbye. I’ve already underlined one line: “Something that is loved is never lost.”

I move to his final answer. The one I’ve been looking forward to the most.

10. Do you ever wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life?

Until recently, no, and I’ve since learned it is much better to wonder than to just make your way through life without questioning anything. Now, when I panic, I have this vision of what I want my life to look like in the future. Actually, it’s you who’s made that possible for me. You’ve reminded me that I love to write. I want to be an author.

Until the day I picked up To Kill a Mockingbird, I’d left that dream behind. The postcard in your book about not forgetting to live your dreams, coupled with all your comments, pushed me forward. They kickstarted my determination to work toward my dream. Everything I do now is about moving closer to that. Admittedly, I seem to have sidestepped right now, by taking a promotion at the job I think I hate, but there has to be a reason for everything we do and everything that happens to us, right? Or that’s what I tell myself to get myself through anyway.

There has to be a reason for everything. For this book exchange. For Savannah’s dad picking up the book Mystery Man left for me, leading me to start teaching. Since Bonnie died, all I’ve thought about is living my life for her. Doing what she would have done. Jumping at every opportunity. Trying out all these random jobs to see if one sticks—but that isn’t me. If I were to have a vision for my life in the future, it would be to continue what I’ve started here. To teach people to love books the way I do.

16

JAMES

Since our chat, Joel and I have started running alongside each other when we meet in Ruskin Park. We have more to say.

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