Page 34 of The Book Swap

Frowning, I stare across at him. “You told me to take it. You know, the whole ‘If you don’t know what you’re good at, find something that’ll eventually make you shitloads of money instead.’ That thing?”

He sighs. “Mate, that saying was never about you. Fuck, I’m so jealous of what you have. What you’ve always had. That passion for writing. That talent I’ve seen in all those passages you showed me back at school. If I had an inch of that, do you think I’d be doing this job? I do this job because I can’t do anything else.” He stares at his pint and looks back up. “You know the last time we were here? When you couldn’t even remember you had those book ideas at school. It made me sick. That you could forget it so easily.”

Swallowing, I look down at the table. Joel feels like he doesn’t have a choice, but he’s telling me I do. He’s never said anything like that before.

“I’ve actually started the book,” I say, and he flings his head up, eyes sparkling.

“Yeah? For real? You’re writing again?” It’s the first pure happiness I’ve seen on his face for ages. “You need to tell me these things. Talk to me more. I get that it’s different for you. I don’t have any siblings, whereas you’ve got Elliot, but—”

“I haven’t talked to Elliot properly in years.” Is that really how little Joel and I speak, that he thinks I’m still close to my brother? He’s remembering the Elliot who used to pick me up from school. Who took a gap year just so that I could have him around for my final year.

I spoke to my brother about everything back then, as we cycled down dirt tracks, mud flying into our faces. Then the summer I left college, he took another gap year and went traveling. That year became two years. He didn’t come home. He didn’t even contact us. Not Dad, or Mum, or me. He just...disappeared. He went on this journey of self-discovery and left me behind. By the time he’d reemerged as my brother again, he had a whole new life. A husband and then a baby. Someone else to talk to.

“So who do you speak to about stuff?” Joel asks, and the only person who comes to mind is Margins Girl.

“I’m not sure. I thought it was you, but apparently not.”

“We talk, but it isn’t deep, is it? I know you don’t want to commit to Helena, but I don’t really know why. I know you must miss Bonnie, but I don’t really know how it makes you feel. I know you blame yourself for your mum’s illness, but I don’t know how heavy that burden is.” He undoes a button on his shirt, pulling at the neck. “Isn’t that mad? When you think about it?”

I laugh. “I guess it is.”

“Come on.” He stands up, downing the rest of his pint. “There’s a decent Thai place around the corner. Let’s get dinner. Talk some more.”

By the time I get home, it’s after midnight and my evening with Joel has given me the courage I need to send the message I should have sent weeks ago. Not just the courage, but the answer I didn’t even know I had. I pick up my phone and open my last message from Helena.

James: I need to move on from the James I was at school, and I can’t do that with you. I’m really sorry. I think you’re amazing. You deserve to be with someone who sees their future when they look at you, instead of their past. X

13

ERIN

There’s no one way to grieve. This was a sentence my therapist threw in during our last session, and knowing it has cracked open something inside me that I closed on the day Bonnie told me about her diagnosis.

We’d both been living in London for four years by that point, and she’d messaged me earlier in the day to ask what time I finished work. She did that sometimes. Always one for a last-minute plan. When I walked out of the Traitor building she was leaning against a bollard, waiting for me. She was wearing this long tie-dye skirt in brown and green, with a matching crop top. She was the most striking person I’d ever seen. Laughing, I ran toward her to hug her and she held on longer than she normally would. I was so happy to see her. She’d been so busy with her promotion at work I could hardly get her to answer her phone, let alone see me in person.

She looked amazing. Her eyes were done up with liquid eyeliner and she was definitely wearing eyelash extensions. Her tight curls were loose, the way I loved them the most, filling the space around her, much like the way she filled the space of any room she walked into. Just looking at her was like bathing in sunshine. She warmed me.

“It’s so good to see you.”

She bit her lip. “You too. What are these?” She pointed at my purple velvet dungarees. They were a new Traitor Fashion release I had to wear while meeting a couple of influencers. They didn’t suit me, but I thought I’d wear them home so my Spanish boyfriend, Pablo, could have a good laugh at them before he hopefully removed them altogether.

“Hideous, aren’t they?”

“They’re one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. And they clash with my outfit, but I’ll take it.”

She held out her arm and I linked mine through.

“Where are we going?”

“Just thought we’d walk a bit.”

I turned to look at her, frowning. Bonnie didn’t go anywhere without a purpose. She didn’t waste a second. Something was up with her. She’d come to tell me something.

“What’s going on, Bon?”

It was at that moment I stopped, my skin turning cold, because the guard she had been wearing when she turned up slipped away. Her face crumpled. A police siren rang out in the background. She looked down at me and she was already crying.

“I’m not well. I’m really not well.” She turned and reached down for both my hands, squeezing them. “I’ve got lung cancer and it’s stage four.”

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