Page 37 of Pulled Away

I nod because it does. Just not in the way he thinks it does.

Chapter fourteen

Aspen

The day of the funeral arrives, bright and sunny, birds chirping and going about their normal day. The sun shouldn’t be shining. It should be overcast. Dark. Gloomy. A reflection of what will happen that day. And a reflection of my heart.

Ryan spent the night with Hadley again, an apology in his eyes when he comes in for a shower and to get dressed. An apology that means nothing to me. He knows this hurts me. He feels bad that it hurts me. But he cares more about her than the fact that he’s hurting me.

Before he heads back upstairs, I ask if I should go. Going to the funeral of a man I’ve never met, whose daughter doesn’t like me, feels wrong. Like I’m intruding. Besides that, I don’t want to go. I’ve had enough of seeing them together. He hugs me and whispers to please go. For him. Putting aside my personal feelings for one day shouldn’t be too hard, right?

The voice in my head whispering that I’ve been putting my personal feelings aside for more than a day gets brutally shut down. To get through today, I have to ignore it. Tomorrow? That’s another day.

Hadley had booked some kind of car for the funeral—big, with tinted windows. Ryan is apologetic when he asks if I’d mind driving on my own. His parents and Rose are driving with them, so there isn’t space for me.

Funerals are an ending. A day for the living to say goodbye to the dead. Nothing that hurts so much should be beautiful. But the service is beautiful. Hadley is beautifully tragic when she gives a eulogy. And when she breaks down in his arms after, and Ryan—his face painted in anguish—comforts her, the connection between them is so strong they look like two halves of a whole.

It feels like I am attending my own funeral.

Despite it being beautiful, it would have been unbearable if my friends weren’t there. If not for them, I would have been on my own. Seeing Ryan and his parents seated with Hadley in the front row, while I am relegated to a seat a few rows behind them, is hard to swallow. Seeing the two of them sitting side by side, holding hands, is even harder.

Why did I listen when he said he wanted me there? Misplaced loyalty to Ryan, I guess. And once again, I’m hit over the head with just how misplaced it is. Hadley accepts my condolences with a flat look, while Ryan gives me a barely there smile.

Not once does he leave her side. Not during the service, and not after. Piper and Maya do their best to distract me while Hadley is accepting condolences, Ryan a firm presence against her side.

Besides that one smile, not once does he try to catch my eye, or check up on me. Not that I needed checking up on. This day isn’t about me, but some form of acknowledgment would have been nice. No matter how small.

Since the reception is being held at Ryan’s parents’ house, all I need to do is show up. Small mercies, I guess. Rose opts to ride back with me instead of her parents and them. The drive is silent, and I am thankful for her company. I’m sure she can feel the grief in the car. Grief that accompanies me home from the funeral.

Grief for the life I’ve lost.

Time can be both a blessing and a curse. Dad’s passing was so long ago that thankfully, the pain of losing him has dulled over the years. But Mom? Her passing is still an ache that I fear will never go away.

The somber atmosphere, the soft murmurs, the clinking of cups against saucers—it’s brought it all back, and it’s like I’m feeling it all over again. Seeing Ryan and Hadley doing the rounds and thanking guests is making it harder. At Mom’s funeral, I had to do that by myself. There was nobody I could cling to. No broad shoulders to offer me respite. I was alone. Meeting and falling in love with Ryan had made me feel less alone, like I had finally found my person. But today, I’m right back there. Alone.

Taking a shuddering breath, I excuse myself from my little group of friends clustered together and flee outside. I need some time alone. Time to process what’s been happening and try to pull myself together.

“Hey, you.”

Carter’s voice startles me from my brooding. My smile is half-hearted at best. I don’t want company. I want to be left alone so I can wallow in my misery while biding my time until I can leave. Leave to do what, I’m not sure.

He nudges my shoulder before leaning forward, bracing his arms on the patio railing.

“Renee was born with green fingers. Must be why she called Rose, Rose.”

I hum my agreement. Their yard is spectacular, and you can see Renee’s love and dedication in every detail. From the little paths winding around perfectly manicured bushes to strategically placed benches where you can sit and admire the explosions of color. Especially during spring.

Renee has dedicated her life to her home and family. She loves it and thrives on it. Lucky for her, Charles, being a partner in a successful law firm has enabled her to do so.

“I thought you could use some company. How are you holding up?”

I shrug. “Fine. It’s not me that lost someone.”

“Still, this can’t be easy for you.”

If only he knew. But then it hits me, and my face flames with heat. He knows. I’m sure everyone knows. How can they not with the way Ryan’s acting?

I stare out at the garden, trying to process how I’m feeling.

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