Page 40 of Pulled Away

“Yes, really. Even after what you said. That was uncalled for, Aspen.”

I clench my teeth to keep my anger at bay.

“Why? Because of what I said, or because of when I said it?”

I wait for him to confirm that once again, I’m being the liar. The unreasonable one. To once again, take her side. He hesitates, and with that, I have my answer.

I nod with a sigh. “Don’t bother answering.”

“Come on, Aspen.”

I look at him, and it’s like I’m looking at a stranger. I love him. You can’t just turn love off with a snap of the fingers. If I could, I would. But I don’t like him. And it’s blowing my mind. Before Hadley, I liked, no, loved everything about him. But these past few weeks have shown me a side of him that has all my instincts screaming at me. Get out. Protect yourself. Before it’s too late. I don’t like what he’s been showing me or how he’s been treating me. It has me confused over which Ryan is the real Ryan. And it’s playing tug of war in my heart.

“Do you love her?”

He narrows his eyes. “What do you mean, do I love her?”

“It means, Do. You. Love. Her? It’s not a hard question. All it needs is a yes or no.”

“It’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be, Aspen. Do I love her? Yes, and no. I love her like a friend, like family, like her family should have loved her. The type of love where you bend over backward to be there for the people who are important to you. Do I love her like in romantic love? No, I don’t. I love you. I’ve told you that.”

But you haven’t shown me that.

I want to shake my head and deny his statement, but I don’t bother.

“What’s happening on Saturday?” I spit out the question that’s been at the forefront of my mind all day.

I just need that last confirmation. That last bump that will tell me it’s time to leave.

His body deflates. “This is not how I wanted us to have this talk,” he mutters.

“I don’t think you want to talk at all. I mean, it took you days before you felt the need to explain why you omitted the tiny fact that you guys were married. You tell me you love me, but from where I’m standing, that’s a lie. If you loved me, you would have done everything in your power to make things right between us. You wouldn’t have expected me to sit by kicking my heels while you comfort your ‘friend.’ Seriously, Ryan. I can’t believe I even have to say that. How is anything you’ve done okay? How is spending nights with her okay? How is pushing me away okay if you love me?”

“I’m sorry, okay! It feels like I’m drowning and all I’m trying to do is the right thing. I thought you’d understand.”

“Don’t worry, I understand plenty,” I murmur, looking down at the ground. I understand you go to the ends of the earth for the person you love. Which I thought was me. Obviously, this isn’t the case. He’s done everything he thought was right for her. Not me. “Just spit it out,” I say again. I’m weary, down to the bottom of my soul, and I want this conversation over with.

“This is a shit show,” he mutters. Seconds tick by while he looks at the ground, searching for what? Patience? Courage? Strength? He must find what he’s looking for because his eyes lift and meet mine, determination blazing in them. Ah, determination then. “I know things between us are rough right now.” I can’t hold back my chuckle. Rough is an understatement. “But I believe we’re strong enough to weather any storm,” he continues, ignoring my laugh.

Easy for him to say when he’s the storm and I’m the poor idiot caught unawares in a life raft.

He puts his beer down and steps into me, taking my hands. “I love you, Aspen. Only you. I’ve made a gigantic mess of everything these past weeks, but I’m begging you, please be patient with me. Please understand that everything I’ve done is to help a friend out who’s having a hard time. Please don’t let my fuck ups make you doubt my love for you.”

I look at him in disbelief. How can he expect my understanding and patience if he hasn’t given me any of that in return? If he’s done nothing to make me feel valued and important? Ryan is an intelligent guy, and that he’s saying all this only highlights that I’m not going to like whatever is happening next Saturday.

He searches my eyes, waiting for a response, sighing when I don’t give him any.

“When Hadley and I got married,” he grimaces at the last word, “we were broke college students. There’s this place she’s always wanted to go to. We didn’t have money, so we thought to save up for it. Then we got divorced, and I promised we’d go before we turned thirty.”

I don’t want him touching me, so I pull my hands from his, backing away a few steps. “And that’s what’s happening next Saturday? You’re taking your ex-wife on a belated honeymoon? Just the two of you?”

“The way you’re saying it…I know it sounds bad.”

“Because it is, Ryan!” I explode.

“It’s not like that! She’s my friend, and I’m her friend. That’s all this is. Aspen, I made her a promise,” he continues in a calmer tone. “A promise I can’t break. All her life, that’s all her parents ever did. Break promises. Let her down. Make her feel like she’s nothing. I refuse to be like them. When I made that promise, I didn’t think of the future. I had no idea I’d meet you. The person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Stupid, I know, but now I’m stuck. I cannot go back on my word.”

“So what you’re saying is that there’s nothing I can say to change your mind? Not even telling you that Hadley still has feelings for you and that it’s messed up that you’re taking your ex-wife on holiday? That I’m asking you to not go? None of that will change your mind?”

---