Page 29 of Pitiful Lies

Is she serious?

Does she think I’m some kind of male whore? Like I just fuck women without caring.

Shit.

Of course she does, my inner voice scolds.

Because that is exactly what I’ve been doing my entire life. One after the other. I’ve gone through more women than I can remember their name.

Using bodies just like they use me. Just to get off, to relieve the pressure of my life. I don’t feel bad about it.

Those women knew the deal, and they fucked me for the same reason. Just because I was there.

But this is not the same.

She’s different.

The way I feel about her is different.

How does she not know that?

She don’t know that because of you, you fucking asshole, my inner voice reminds me.

Now, I’m mad all over again. Fury fills my veins. It boils my blood and makes it hard to fucking breathe.

And it’s all directed at me.

Only me.

Somewhere along the line, me and Sisi here, we got our wires crossed. But I’ll be damned if Little Doll is just gonna dismiss me without giving me a chance.

Fuck that.

She’s already mentioned something about me cheating or being with other women twice now, and I have yet to get a real fucking answer from her about it.

But I will. I’ve got to. There is no other choice.

I’ve been watching my cousin Nico for the past few months. Seeing the way he is with his Anna, and it’s unbelievable.

Of the three of us, Nico is a fucking wild card. I never thought he’d find his person. But what do you know? He has found her, and she is just as crazy about him as he is about her.

Watching those two set a switch off inside of me. It’s like all my life has been a series of meaningless one night stands. I want something else now. I’m ready.

But Sisi’s words, well, they cut me. They made me feel hollow. And I don’t fucking like that.

I don’t like her talking like she’s resigned to some false belief that I used her to scratch some bodily itch.

If only it was that simple.

But the fact is, this ain’t an itch. This is something more. Something life altering.

And I didn’t use her. She’s wrong about that. Yeah, she left town without a word, but that’s on me, too.

It’s my fault for not making sure she knows where she stands with me.

Shit.

The truth is, I’m fucking bad at this. Opening up. Talking about my feelings. Fucking I can do, but she’s right. She deserves more from me.

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