Page 50 of No Going Back

“Why do you think you screwed it up?”

“Because I was an angry, miserable fuck-up. They always wanted more, and I couldn't give it. I’d get moody and angry and be shown the door.” Tyler finished his coffee, putting the cup down. Fuck, he hated talking about this.

“Do you think you’re the same person now?”

“I hope not. I think I got rid of a lot of my anger when I enlisted. You’re made to grow up fast there.” He gave a small smile.

“When you look back now, how do you feel about your mom, what happened to you?”

“Truthfully? I swing between anger at how a mother could treat her kid that way. But then I feel pity because she was a junkie, a kid herself and needed help. I also feel like I could have done more, even as a kid. That maybe I could have told someone, got help. Then in foster care, I see now I was a pain the ass. I was angry and moody. It’s no wonder no one wanted me.”

“That’s a lot to be carrying around all these years.”

“That’s why I buried it. Especially after I enlisted. I had something else to focus on.”

“And Sergeant Allan Davis was the man who got you to enlist. Tell me about him.”

Tyler’s smile widened. “Yeah. The man saved my life. Literally. I got into a bar fight; he arrested me. I was looking at time. I had been drinking underage, had fake ID, not to mention the fighting. He gave me a way out. I wouldn’t be here without him.”

“After you enlisted, you stayed in touch?”

“Yes. He was a mentor to me. I looked up to him, respected him. We chatted regularly, and I would visit when I could. Even when I was angry, pissed off, he was there, and he’d talk me down. I owe him everything, and that’s why I hate that I couldn’t save him that night.”

“No one could have saved him, Tyler. Even if you had been a medic by that time, his injuries were too bad.” Claire picked up a file, glancing inside. “He was shot in the head and the chest. How was it you found him?”

“I had a few days leave. I wanted to surprise him, so I drove back without telling him. His house was in the middle of nowhere. I got to his place about eleven. I knew something was wrong when I pulled on the drive. His front door was open. I went in and...” He trailed off.

“You found him bleeding out, just like your mother.”

Tyler nodded. “Yeah, I think I might be a curse.” He was only half joking.

“And the police initially questioned you as a suspect, too?”

“Yes. But not for long. I could verify my whereabouts because I was on camera at a gas station. I just got a lecture about going inside before they arrived.”

Claire sat back, crossed her legs. She was wearing a plaid shirt today and cowboy boots. He stared at the woven pattern on her boots.

“Tyler, you went through a horrific experience as a child, witnessing your mother’s murder, and never really dealt with that. Often when a child is that young, people presume they will forget as most of us don’t remember much about things at that age. But trauma is different, and you were not given the right help to handle it. It was no wonder you were angry. You were hurting, grieving, trying to process something you could not understand. That probably led to everything else that happened. I’m sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed when you were a child, but you have it now.”

Tyler wasn’t sure what to say.

“You are not the same person you were.” Claire put down her notebook. “I think the Navy was a fantastic choice for you and has shaped you to be the man you are today. You are not your past. You are not that angry, hurt child anymore. It’s OK to have felt all those things and we are going to explore it all in more detail, but I want you to see how far you have come already. Despite what you went through, you have become a man that is valued, respected and loved. That is the true Tyler Mason.”

Tyler swallowed the lump in his throat before speaking. “If I’m so different, Claire, why can’t I be normal, have a normal relationship?”

“You can. You seem to be carrying a lot of blame on your shoulders for your past. Blame and fear of history repeating itself. When you’ve been through as much loss as you have, it's understandable you’d be scared. But, Tyler, you’re an Onyx Black Ops Special Operator. You face fear head on constantly. You’ve learned how to break through it, overcome it. If anyone can get past this fear, you can.”

“I want to, Claire.”

“You will. This is just the beginning. It might take a little time, but you’ll get there.”

Tyler wanted to believe her so badly. He wanted to put his past behind him once and for all.

“How are things with your team? Dex? You said last time he was a little bit pissed with you.”

Tyler looked up surprised at the change in topic. “Things are a little better. We spoke today. I get he has to look out for the team. I guess the guys have noticed I’m not quite myself.”

“In what way?”

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