Page 37 of No Going Back

“You surprised the hell out of me. That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but I really wasn’t expecting you to say what you said. Christ. I thought you were going to make sure I knew it was a one-off and we were just going to, you know...clear the air.” He was looking at her, waiting for a reaction. She kept eating.

“I do care about you, Mira. A lot. More than I’ve ever cared about any woman.”

Mira stopped, fork halfway to her mouth. OK, her turn to be startled. She put the fork down and sat back.

“It didn’t sound like that this morning.”

“I know. Look, it’s complicated, and I know that’s not much of an explanation, but I got some... shit going on... It’s difficult.” He looked away, taking a drink.

“What kind of shit?” Now she was curious.

“There’s a lot about me you don’t know, and I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it. I know that’s not the answer you want to hear, but I don’t want to lie to you. I can’t be in a relationship, Mira.”

Mira picked up her drink. “You’ve made that abundantly clear several times.”

“Because I want to be honest. When you said right at the start you didn't want a relationship, jeez, it was like music to my ears. And yeah, I know that sounds terrible.”

“It doesn’t sound terrible, because I meant it when I said it. It changed for me and trust me, I didn’t plan that, wasn't expecting it. So, while it may have hurt, hearing you say you don’t want the same, you never promised me anything.” And, God, it did hurt, but she refused to let him see her cry.

“Christ, Mira. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. Jesus, you’re fucking amazing. You’re a beautiful, sexy fucking goddess! I would give anything to be in a relationship with you.” Tyler raked a hand through his hair. “I need you to understand that this has nothing to do with you. You’re perfect. This is me. All me. I can’t risk it. Not with you.”

Mira stared at him, fighting to keep the tears from spilling down her cheeks. He was telling the truth, she could tell. The anguish on his face told its own story. This was a side of Tyler she had never seen before. Raw. Honest. Hurt.

“What happened to you? You can talk to me. I’m right here.”

“It’s not that easy. I’m sorry, Mira, please believe me. I never wanted to hurt you and, no, we probably shouldn’t have had sex. Hell, I shouldn’t have flirted and sexted with you when I knew I could never offer you anything. It was wrong of me.” Tyler sank back on the sofa, closing his eyes.

“It takes two, Tyler, and I did say I didn’t want anything serious. I’m as much to blame.” His face relaxed a little, but it broke her heart to see how much he was suffering.

“I don’t want to lose you.” He opened his eyes, looking at her.

“I’m not going anywhere. You mean too much to me. I want to be there for you, Tyler, but I can’t do that unless you let me in.”

Tyler shook his head. “No. It wouldn’t be fair. I don’t know if I’ll ever work through my shit, and I refuse to put you through that. I’d never forgive myself.”

Tears filled his eyes and Mira couldn’t bear it. She scooted over and pulled him into a hug. His arms went around her, and she held him tight. Jesus, whatever happened to him had left some serious scars. They sat like that for a few minutes before Tyler pulled back, wiping his face, cheeks stained, clearly embarrassed. She placed a hand on his cheek. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to make him feel better. She hated seeing him like this.

Tyler covered her hand with his, then brought it to his lips to kiss it. “Thank you. I needed that.” He stood up. “I should probably go. As you know, we could get spun up at any time.”

“Will you be OK?” She was genuinely worried about him.

Tyler smiled weakly at her. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for listening. I hope you don’t hate me so much now.”

“I was mad at you, Ty. I could never hate you.” She stood and walked with him to the door.

“I want you to know the other night wasn’t just sex for me either. I felt something Mira. Something I’ve never felt before. You’re right. Everything changed.”

Mira swallowed, her own eyes getting moist.

“Ah, shit, I didn’t mean to upset you again.” Tyler cupped her face. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve said that a lot tonight.” She smiled at him.

“Because I mean it. I was a complete asshole to you this morning. I should have explained.”

“I didn’t really give you a chance,” she said, enjoying the feel of his hands on her face.

Tyler smiled. “True, but I could have come after you.”

---