Page 23 of No Going Back

Tyler tossed and turned in the bed, but the nightmare wouldn’t let him escape. Now there were sirens, police officers, another house. This time it wasn’t his mom, it was Allan. His mentor and friend was bleeding out on the kitchen floor. Tyler tried CPR, but there was so much blood, and he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t save him. The paramedics had pulled him off. As he stood up, he looked down, but it wasn’t Allan, it was Mira.

“No!”

Tyler sat up in bed, his own scream waking him. His body was drenched in sweat and his fists clenched the sheet. His heart racing, he leaned over and switched on the bedside lamp. Then he slumped back on the pillows. He focused his gaze on his bedroom ceiling and away from the horrific images in his head.

Fuck. It had been months since he’d had a nightmare as bad as that. He had become an expert at blocking it all out. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he stood and went to the bathroom. Bracing against the sink, he looked at his reflection. Shit. He looked like hell. He ran the cold water, splashing his face, and willed his body to cool down and his heart rate to return to normal.

On this last op, having to shoot a hostile in front of kids had triggered him. He’d felt it at the scene, but he had pushed through, determined not to let his team leader see him distracted.

He’d been six years old when he’d seen his mother shot dead. He hadn’t understood what had happened at the time, but the memories of that night remained vivid. The kids held hostage in that school were going to remember him shooting a man in front of them. There hadn’t been a choice. The hostile would have killed the kids if he hadn’t have taken the shot. Clean kill. But doing it in front of ten-year-olds? That was not something he had done before. He’d handled it on the op, stayed focused, and got the kids out. But their faces, the horror, the tears. It had been like looking in a mirror. He knew exactly how they were feeling. The whole thing had stirred up a past he had spent years trying to forget. The nightmare, seeing Mira in it? She had nothing to do with his past. His feelings for Mira and his fears were all getting tangled up. He was shaken up and that wasn't good.

Tyler dried his hands and went to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, he got comfortable on the living room sofa and switched on the TV. It was four a.m. and he doubted he was going to get much sleep now. If he was being honest with himself, he also wasn’t ready to close his eyes again for fear of going back down memory lane.

His eyes wandered to a photo on his window ledge, of him and Sergeant Allan Davis, sharing a beer. The man had arrested him and then literally saved his life. A former Navy SEAL, Allan had steered him away from the destructive path he had been on and encouraged him to enlist. He’d loved that man like the father he’d never had. But just like his mother, Allan was ripped from him too soon. Shot dead during a home invasion. Tyler had been the one to find him.

Tyler flicked through channels, trying to get his mind away from that night. He didn’t want to go down that road again. He’d loved his mom; she died. He loved Allan, but he’d died, too. Loving people causes you pain. Death and rejection. He had seen far too much of both.

He found a movie to watch, some kind of superhero thing. Thirty minutes later, although his eyes had not left the screen, he had no idea of the storyline. Sighing, he picked up his phone. It was closer to five now, but he fought the urge to text Mira. Texting with her would take his mind off this shit, but it was too early.

It was too early to call Claire either. He’d promised Dex he’d speak to the team’s psychiatrist, but he had yet to book an appointment because they’d spun up. Maybe he should do that sooner rather than later. He hadn’t been distracted on this last op, but if these nightmares kept happening, it would not be good for his performance on the team. Maybe she could prescribe something to make him sleep.

Giving up on the movie, he quickly dressed in sweats and headed out for a run. Fresh air and exercise often cleared the mind. Hopefully, today would be no exception. He needed to get his head right. He’d lost too many people in his life, and he wasn’t about to risk losing his team. They were all he had.

***

MIRA STARED AT THE ceiling. The bedside clock’s neon lights blazed three in the morning. Reading, television, music, counting sheep. She had tried them all, but still sleep evaded her. She was exhausted, frustrated, and angry with herself. God, how stupid was she to think having sex with Tyler might get it out of her system. Yeah, right. Who was she kidding?

She’d got caught up in the moment, yes, and, hell, she had wanted him badly. Her need obliterated any common sense. And it had been...words couldn’t even describe it. Her body was still on fire from his touch. Just thinking about him, the way he kissed her, touched her, tasted her — had gotten her temperature up even further and her juices flowing. Mira sighed and checked her phone again, hoping to see a text. Nothing.

One time. You both agreed. He’s not your boyfriend Mira, so what happens now?

No, he wasn’t her boyfriend, but could they really be friends after that? Tyler had already gotten under her skin. He was now well and truly in her heart. Damn him! She had been so sure she didn’t want a relationship, wanted to focus on her career, but clearly that was because she hadn’t met the right man.

A relationship with Tyler didn’t seem like such a bad thing. In fact, she really liked the idea. But Tyler had been direct with her. He wasn't relationship material. Last night was a one-off. Could she do casual with him, maybe have a few one-offs?

You know you can’t. He’s already stolen your heart.

Mira sighed and turned onto her side, hugging the pillow. Tears threatened again. It was a mistake to have sex with him, despite how good it was. Tears rolled down her cheeks until at some point, exhaustion won, and she drifted off to sleep.

The alarm woke her at seven. Groggily she turned it off and automatically reached for her phone. Disappointment sent her stomach sinking. No new text messages.

Slipping out of bed, she stretched and then wandered to the kitchen and busied herself making coffee. Sam had told her not to rush in. Yesterday had been a long day for everyone.

The HRT assist Raven had been on... Hell, that had been rough. It was always worse when kids were involved. The guys could handle it, but it would have hit them hard. Hopefully, they were all OK. Hopefully, Tyler was OK.

She walked back to her bedroom, sipping her freshly made coffee. Her phone lit up on the bedside table. She grabbed it quickly, unable to stop her broad smile at seeing Tyler’s name.

Tyler: Morning Mira. Hope you got some sleep xx.

How could one simple sentence give her butterflies? Jeez, she was so screwed.

Mira: I got some, how about you?

Tyler: Same.

Mira: Are you OK? After ...... Tyler would know what she meant.

Tyler: Fine. I’ll let you go; you must be getting ready for work?

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