Page 48 of No Going Back

Tyler flinched. Just hearing the word mother brought up feelings and emotions he didn’t want to feel. “Do we have to?” His voice held a hint of sarcasm.

“Mothers are generally the first woman we love in our lives. Tell me about her.”

“There’s not much to tell.”

“What do you remember about her?”

“Not a lot. Occasionally something will trigger a memory. A song, a smell. I try to block them out.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to remember. There’s nothing good.”

As he said the words, the few memories he had flooded his brain. Instinctively he clenched his fists and tightened his jaw.

Claire’s soft voice reached him. “What are you remembering right now?”

He growled. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Claire remained silent. He knew she was watching — no, studying him. Tyler tried to look steadily back at her, will her to just accept he wouldn’t talk about it.

But then Dex’s words vibrated in his head.

You’re living in a victim mentality, not facing up to what happened.

He ran a hand over his face. OK he’d come here to talk and now he was chickening out.

“You’ve read my file; you know what happened.”

“Yes, I’ve read it. Its just facts written by someone else. It doesn’t tell me what you remember, what you felt, what you’re still feeling.”

Tyler swallowed. Fuck, he didn’t want to go back there, to a time where he felt hopeless and afraid. When he was a victim.

You’re not facing up to what happened.

Damn, Dex. Tyler felt a sarcastic quip trying to get out. He forced it back. His words came out through gritted teeth, anyway. “It’s like moments in time, I was so young. I remember moving around a lot. We were always at different houses, different men. My stomach always hurt because I was hungry. I would ask Mom for food, and she’d shout, tell me to be quiet.”

He closed his eyes, thinking back.

Shit. Could you drown in memories? He grasped at his throat, like it was hard to breathe and worked his jaw, knowing Claire would prod if he didn’t speak.

“I remember her laughing, but it was never with me.” He paused. “Fuck, this is harder than I thought. Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to swear.” He looked up apologetically.

“I don’t care if you swear. What else?”

“The men. They used to hit me if I spoke or cried. I remember being in a dark place. A closet, I think. I wasn't allowed to come out until Mom opened the door.”

“Do you remember how long you’d be in the closet?”

“Not really. But sometimes I...” He shook his head. “I’d mess myself because I couldn’t hold it any longer. That would get me a beating.”

“Do you remember anything good about your mom? Cuddles, words?”

“No. But I think I loved her. She was my mom. I didn’t know at the time that the way we lived wasn’t normal. I’d never known anything different.” He honestly couldn’t remember thinking anything could be different.

Though he was barely holding on, Claire wasn’t finished. “Why do you say you think you loved her?”

Tyler shrugged. “I was six. What did I know about love? But she was all I had.”

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