Page 32 of No Going Back

“I like her more than any other woman I’ve known.”

“Would you say you care about her?”

“Yes, we all do. She’s one of the team. Family.”

“So, you care about her the same way you care about, let's say, Kelly?”

“Yes. No. Shit. No, it's different. Kelly’s Dex’s woman. She’s like a sister.”

“So, it’s more than that?”

Tyler didn’t answer.

“You said you don’t do relationships. Why not?” Claire asked.

Tyler stared out the window again. Claire would have read his file. They never really discussed it in his psyche evals since they were more about how their job affected them. PTS and all that. But Claire would know the basic facts of what he’d endured. She was waiting for him to bring it up. Fuck, he hadn’t expected to be going down this road today. So soon.

But you know you have to. It’s the reason you came here.

“Because no one ever wanted me growing up, so why would it be any different now? She might think she wants a relationship, but she has no idea what she’d be getting into. It would only be a matter of time before I’d lose her. I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved. That’s what always happens.” He threw his hand at her. “I know you’re going to tell me that’s bullshit, but it’s how I feel. Anytime I let myself care about someone; I lose them.”

“I’m not going to tell you it’s bullshit. I think it’s understandable, given the limited information I know of your history.”

Tyler continued to look out the window although he couldn’t see anything. He was back — six years old, scared, alone, unloved.

“Tyler, did Dex order you to come here today?”

“No. He strongly recommended it.”

“So, it wasn’t a condition to keep operating.”

“No. Not yet anyway.”

“But you came.”

“Like I said, I need to make things right with Dex and the team.”

“You could do that by talking to this woman, making it right with her. But you still chose to come to see me today.”

Tyler brought his eyes back to Claire, not understanding what she was trying to say.

“Do you think perhaps, you want to talk about what happened to you? That maybe you're ready?”

Tyler shrugged. “Maybe.” Was he? His heart was saying yes, but his head was screaming don’t go there!

“Until now, have you ever considered talking about your past?”

“No. I prefer not to think about it.” If he kept it out of his head, he could almost believe it never happened.

“Why do you think you’re considering talking about it now?”

“Christ, I don’t know. It seems as if it’s suddenly a problem, one I didn’t realize I had. And that damn op, shit. It brought up stuff.” He ran a hand over his face. “I guess I’ve never felt this way about a woman before.”

“You believe your past is stopping you from being in a relationship with her?”

Tyler stared down at his hands in his lap, not ready to admit his past made him scared shitless to let anyone in.

“I think it’s good you came here today, Tyler. You’ve been suppressing how you feel about your childhood for years. It was only a matter of time before it came out. Talking about it will help.”

---