Page 121 of No Going Back

“How was it because of you? None of us saw that coming,” Mackie asked.

“Reborn are coming after us. We all know they didn't randomly choose that building. It’s like I’m some fucking jinx. I let myself get close to someone and they end up fucking dead. And I wasn’t able to stop any of it.”

He sighed. He probably sounded crazy to them.

“All I could think about was revenge. I didn't want anyone else I cared about getting killed. I’m not some kid anymore. I couldn't help my mom, Allan or even Mira, but I had this overwhelming need to go and do whatever I could to ensure no one else died. I was angry. So damn angry. All I could see was my mom, Allan, those kids faces from that op, and Mira turning blue, trapped.”

He shook his head to try and clear away the images he was still seeing.

“I’d gotten so good at keeping my temper in check, blocking out what happened, the shame, the resentment. I channeled it all into being the best of the best. I was handling it. But when Mira and I... Well... I don’t need to draw you a picture. Everything changed. For the first time I wanted to consider maybe having something more than just the team. And look what happened. Boom, everything fell apart. I know I’ve been distracted. And that day at the bombsite, I was way out of line. Couldn’t keep myself in check.”

He looked back at his team leader. “Jesus, Dex, the things I said to you. That’s not the behavior of an Onyx special operator. I don’t trust myself anymore, so how can I expect trust from you guys, Mira, or anyone? I won't be a liability to this team, to Mira. I let you guys down. It was better and safer for everyone if I left and went to find Aziz on my own.”

There, it was out. The ugly truth. Everyone was silent. Tyler finished his second beer and waited. He loved these guys and they deserved better than him.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Tyler.” Mackie was the first to speak. “We’re a family. Nothing changes that. And I think I speak for the team when I say you sure as hell have never let us down.”

Tyler didn’t respond. Instead he watched Dex, the man he respected more than anyone else. Yeah, he was back with his brothers, but was he actually back on the team?

Dex got up and grabbed another beer from the fridge, then turned to face him. “You were out of line that day.” He paused, taking a sip. “But I was, too. Fuck, if it had been Kelly down there, I’d have been losing my mind. We’d just come off a tough op. You got electrocuted, for Christ's sake. I should have been there for you instead of letting rip on you, and that’s on me. There’s a fine line between being team leader and being a friend, and it gets blurred. A lot. That’s not an excuse, it’s just the truth.”

Dex continued. “I don’t lose my temper often, but I did that day, with you, with Sam, and fuck, I’m not even going to tell you what I said to Liam at the hospital.”

Donnie, Steve, and Mackie looked between Dex and Ryan with interest.

“Let’s just say it was bad,” Ryan said, “but they dealt with it.”

“Ty, I asked you to come with me to Onyx because we became a family from the day we became a SEAL team. None of us are perfect, but the people in this room have a bond that cannot be broken. We’ve been through too much together. You need to understand that there is nothing you could do that would make me kick you out of this family. Yes, I will get pissed at times. I’ve gotten pissed with everyone in this room.”

“I can confirm that,” Ryan quipped.

“Everyone on this team has pushed me to my limits at some point over the years and I’m sure I’ve pushed everyone here to theirs at times, too. We fight, we shout, we move on. We don’t stop being family because of it. Ever. Christ, if you saw how many times Sam and I argued, you’d be surprised that Raven still exists.”

The boys chuckled, even Tyler smiled.

“You were upset and angry, and no, none of us had any idea of just how bad things have been for you and what you’re trying to deal with. I knew that fucking op had rattled you and maybe I should have stood you down. That’s on me.”

“No, it’s not. I assured you I was fine because I was fine. The bomb was what pushed me over the edge. That feeling of helplessness. Standing by and not doing anything. My anger was rising by the minute. You warned me to toe the line, but I kept pushing, couldn’t keep a handle on my temper. And I don’t know if I can keep my shit together, and I never want to put you in that position of having to let me go. I won’t be the liability on this team.”

The room was quiet. Dex ran a hand over his face. “Ty, we have been a team six years, and in all that time you have never been a liability. Yeah, you were angry and upset that day. The woman you love was under tons of fucking concrete. But it would take a hell of a lot more than a few cross words for me to let you go from this team.”

“And he’d have us to answer to if he did.” Ryan added. “Ty, do you remember when I deserted you guys, and you ended up in a firefight?”

Tyler did, it hadn’t been that long ago. Ryan had been pissed, disobeyed a direct order from Dex and stormed away from a house they’d been searching. After he left, the team had gotten ambushed by a cartel.

“Dex and I had a blow out, you all know it. But I’m still here.”

“You guys have known each other since you were eighteen, it’s different. You’re proper family.”

The whole team groaned. “We’re all proper fucking family, Ty, you got to understand that,” Ryan said.

Dex’s voice was calm again when he spoke.

“After what you told us, I get why you thought you were helpless. But you’re wrong. Tyler, you saved Mira’s life. If not for that procedure you talked Sam through, she would be dead. You did that. You saved her. The signal repeater idea was you. Many lives were saved because of us being able to communicate with Sam. You might have been angry, but you were focused. You always are. Considering you’ve been living with this since we’ve known you, just look at how much good you have done. How many other lives you have saved. The only thing I’m pissed about is that you walked away from us, rather than talk to us. Any of us.”

“I’m not used to that kind of loyalty. I’ve never known it,” Tyler admitted quietly.

“Well, get used to it. It's not going anywhere. Your childhood, people you cared about dying, the threat to the team, Mira and Sam getting caught in the bomb. None of that is on you or because of you. You are not alone. We are all right here. And you have a woman that for some crazy fucking reason loves you.”

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