Page 59 of Masquerade Mistake

“I guess I can respect that,” he says slowly.

“It’s not that I want to keep it from him forever,” I explain. “It’s just that this is a big deal, and he still hardly knows you. I think it will be easier for him after the two of you have a more established relationship.”

“Will we have a more established relationship?” he asks.

“Of course,” I say. “That’s why we’re here, right?”

He tilts his head, and I can tell he’s being cautious. We both are. But underneath that caution, the distrust remains. We both have something to lose here, even if it’s just our ego.

“What would be okay for you?” he asks.

I think about this for a moment. The truth is that none of this feels okay. I don’t want to set up visits away from me, or think of Finn spending weekend with Ethan, or any of the other scenarios that come to mind. How do I share my son when I’ve spent the last six years as his only parent?

“I don’t know,” I admit. I wrinkle my brow as I look at him. “I’m having a hard time knowing how to be fair, because right now I’m feeling very protective over my son.” I shake my head. “Our son,” I correct.

He nods slowly, looking out the window as he takes another sip of beer. Then he looks back at me. “I guess I can understand that,” he says. “Or at least I can respect it. I’m nervous about this too. I haven’t been around a lot of kids, and like you said, I don’t really know Finn. But I also know it has to start somewhere. So, what would make you feel comfortable as we move forward?”

I appreciate that Ethan is keeping me in the lead on this. As well as I know him, I’m sure he has some ideas about what he wants. But the fact that he’s taking a backseat on all of this is reassuring to me.

“Why don’t we start out with what we were already doing? You come to my house for dinners, we can go on outings together, like to the zoo or the park, and we just slowly get him more used to being with you.”

“So, the three of us,” he says.

I’m stung by the look of disappointment on his face, and I clench my jaw as I try to come up with a fair response.

“It’s not about you,” he rushes in. “I mean, I don’t…” He looks away, and I wish he’d finish that thought because I have no idea where we stand. “I just kind of hoped to get to know him on my own,” he finally says.

“We’ll get there,” I promise, even though it feels like a hard promise to make. “But can we ease into it?”

“Do you think I’ll do something to hurt him?”

My eyes widen, and I shake my head.

“No! Not at all. It’s just that…” I pause. Am I doing this for Finn or for me? “I know you’ll be just fine with Finn, in fact, I think you and Finn will get along famously. I already see so many similarities between the two of you…”

“You do?” he interrupts, “Like what?”

My face relaxes into a smile. “You have the same laugh,” I say, “and sometimes you two stand the same way.”

“We do?” He grins, ducking his head.

“That!” I laugh, “Finn does that too.”

“What?”

“That thing you do when I’ve said something that both pleases and embarrasses you. When Finn feels that way, he grins and lowers his head, and it’s the cutest thing ever.” As soon as I say it, I realize I’ve just revealed that “the cutest thing ever” applies to Ethan too. My cheeks flush, but then I brush it away. Who cares? We may be in this weird spot of our relationship, if there even is a relationship, but he can’t just expect my attraction to him to go away—and neither can I.

“The other day when you had dinner with us, Finn kept mimicking what you were doing. I’m not sure if you noticed since you haven’t been around him a lot, but I did. I could tell he looked up to you, so I know it will be no time at all before he’s comfortable being with you without me. It’s just that…” I pause, embarrassed as I feel hot tears spring to my eyes. I swipe them away, but they keep coming. “This is hard,” I say. “My whole entire life is wrapped around Finn, and just the thought of sharing him is sending me into a humiliating turmoil. It shouldn’t be this big of a deal, but it totally is. I can’t imagine my life without Finn, and this feels like I’m letting him go.”

Ethan reaches over and takes my hand. His thumb rubs over the back of my hand, and even as the tears are coming steadily now, I find relief in this small show of affection.

“I will never get in the way of your relationship with Finn,” Ethan says. “I appreciate how difficult this is for you. Let’s start things your way and see how it goes, okay?”

“Okay,” I sniff. I turn my hand over to get a better grasp of his hand, but he pulls it away. The move is slight, but enough to send a message. Still, I find myself in a tug of war over needing clarification.

“What about us?” I finally ask, losing my inner battle of wills. He looks away.

“I don’t know,” he says, “I need time to think.”

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