Page 42 of The Heart of Moonlight Falls

“You’re not trying to connect to them now, are you?”

“No.” Sebastian was horrified at the thought. “Even if I’m the missing piece’s stand-in, I don’t think I’m supposed to harness the veins’ power, or it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I’m afraid of what connecting to the veins again might do to me.”

“Me too,” James confessed.

Something snagged in Sebastian’s mind. He looked at the ominous hole in the clearing. “I had a funny vision when first connecting to the veins.”

James cocked a brow. “You did?”

A swell of emotion rose up in Sebastian, making his heart ache in the worst way. “When I thought I couldn’t save you, I lost all hope. I didn’t think I could go on without you. It was too much. The shade had you and I’d failed. Everything was lost. It was over. I imagined myself dead and buried in the ground like I belonged there, and that’s how I finally connected to the veins.”

James’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “Buried?” he choked.

Sebastian nodded, something even worse than remembering his hopeless wish to die turning his insides cold. “What if it wasn’t just a random vision or me giving up?”

James’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“What if I pictured being in the ground because I should be. What if I do belong. What if I’m enough of a stand-in for the missing piece to complete the veins.”

James shook his head. “No, that’s not… How could that be? You’re linked to the veins already, and that’s clearly not enough.”

“I know, but what if I have to go back into the ground for it to be enough?” Sebastian whispered, the scent of decaying leaves washing over him anew.

James stood silent and Sebastian could practically hear his thoughts whirring as his frown grew even more severe. James eyed Sebastian like he’d never seen him before.

“Back? No, you were never there, Sebastian,” James said at last. “I don’t see how being in the earth would help. You’re tied to the veins. Where you are physically shouldn’t matter.”

“I’m not so sure.” Sebastian didn’t want it to be true. He didn’t want his vision of himself buried and no longer living to be some sort of premonition. But it felt right. It fit. This way, they could return the missing piece. It had been destroyed, but a new piece had been created. Except, the imbalance had never truly been solved because Sullivan never returned to the veins, never went into the ground to put it all back together.

“Sebastian.” James grabbed his arm. “That can’t be the answer. You aren’t actually part of the veins. You’re connected to them like a unit, but you aren’t actually one. Going in to join them wouldn’t do anything. The missing piece was made of natural energy. Your magic isn’t the same. It doesn’t add up the way you’re thinking.”

“Maybe not.” Sebastian allowed himself to be relieved. “I honestly felt like I was losing my mind the night you were captured. Everything I was thinking was a mess. It just feels like it could all add up, you know?”

James gripped him harder. “We all want a neat solution, but that doesn’t mean we’ll get one. You’re blood and bone, not pure magic. You’re a stand-in only. We can’t put the veins back together completely with you or anything else. This isn’t the answer.”

Sebastian nodded. He knew James didn’t want to lose him any more than he wanted to lose James, but James’s disagreement was more than him being in denial or getting caught up in wishful thinking. James had a point. Sebastian felt sure he’d figured it all out just now, but he had nothing to back it up other than gut feeling and conjecture. He told himself that meant he was wrong.

He wanted to be wrong. If he was right, that meant nothing good was ever going to last. For real, this time. Completing the veins would mean he’d lose everything, and he couldn’t have that. He deserved good things. This curse wasn’t allowed to take his life from him.

But the fear that it would creeped back in. He’d always felt doomed, hadn’t he?

17

JAMES

James held Sebastian’s hand tight as they left the clearing. His heart broke to hear Sebastian had gone through such a low point, thinking he’d lost James, but he was glad Sebastian had shared it with him.

Eli hurried ahead as they walked like he sensed their need for some space. James was grateful for the privacy.

“You know you always have something to live for,” he whispered as they walked.

“I know.” Sebastian squeezed James’s hand.

“If you ever get those feelings again, there’s always help.”

Sebastian paused, facing James. “I don’t think I’ll ever be in that place again. Really. But if I do ever find myself thinking dying is my best option, I’ll reach out.”

James sensed Sebastian meant it, except that didn’t help much when Sebastian also thought he could literally fill the hole the missing piece had created in the veins. “So this idea that you could fulfill your vision and fix everything isn’t related to wanting to die?”

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