Page 50 of Confessions of an Apache Pilot

After a solid two hours of self-abuse, lifting heavy objects and running around the perimeter of the base, I was finally under control. My anger was now tamped down to mere annoyance. I wasn’t done with Jen, not by a long shot. Women like her were a rare breed, and now that I’d had her, there was no chance I was letting go. She was worth the chase. But this back and forth shit needed to stop. I understood that she was scared, especially in this type of environment, but she was old enough to be past this self-sabotage shit. If I wanted this type of drama I would have taken Karolyn up on her offer.

Offers.

I hit the shower, changed and was heading back to the CP to be social again. As I walked down the hill I saw a figure waiting outside the CP. Sitting in one of the chairs by the fire pit was Jen. She saw me and stood up. She was waiting for me. She looked nervous.

Good.

“Mark. I mean, Shep, can you… Do you have a minute?” She was more than just nervous. She was scared, bordering on terrified. I looked down into those bright eyes and instantly softened. My anger and hurt were still there, somewhere, but right now, I needed to alleviate her fear. I couldn’t bear to see my woman like this.

My woman. Time to admit it. I’m not letting this one go.

“Sure.” I walked over and pulled a chair so that it faced her. Waiting until she sat back down, I sat in the other chair and focused on her as she continued to wring her hands nervously. I reached out and grabbed one, stopping the nervous fidgeting. I looked her sternly in the eye, pinning her attention with my gaze. “Talk to me.”

She paused for a moment when I grabbed her, relaxing in my grip. Then she seemed to remember herself and pulled her arm away. “I...look, what I said… I didn’t mean… What I meant…”

I leaned in again and grabbed both her wrists. “Jen, pick one of those sentences, just one, and finish it. All at once doesn’t work.”

She smiled and laughed. “Sorry. Look, this is just too much for me right now. I can’t do my job and have this tension between us.”

Tension? Is that what you call this?

She continued. “I need us to be...good. I need time to sort myself out. I have to be able to focus on my crew and our job first and foremost. And my crew seems to like your guys, they like hanging out in your office.”

Staring at her, I let her ramble until she came to the point she was trying to make. Her eyes were filled with worry and she kept plucking at a strand of hair that had slipped out of her bun. I was worried she would end up tearing it out of her head before she told me what she needed to.

“I’m so sorry.”

My brows shot up. Her words were clear and strong. She wasn’t stumbling over them like she normally did. “For what?”

“For everything,” she said with a laugh. When I just watched her in silence, she kept going. “I don’t trust very easily. But especially not after what happened before-”

“With Asshole?”

Her lips twitched. “Yeah.” She sighed and rubbed a hand over the back of her neck. “I thought we were dating. He was just playing me. He let me know in front of our entire battalion that he’d fucked me for years because I was convenient. He went through all the motions of being in a relationship with me. He introduced me to his family, spent holidays with me, we went on vacations together… And that whole time he was living this other life, where he’d convinced himself he was single and I was just some chick he slept with.”

My jaw tightened. That would certainly explain why she wasn’t willing to trust a man who was showing interest in her. Why she kept running away, even though she obviously felt the same draw between us that I did.

“I was an idiot to trust him. It’s made me unwilling to get into anything serious since.”

“Seems to me that’s letting him win.”

Shock and understanding filled her expression. “You’re right. It is. But I can’t seem to help myself.”

“Maybe this, right now, is how you can help yourself.” It was now or never. “I know you’re scared. Hearing what happened, I can understand why, but I would never do that to you.”

“I know,” she said, interrupting me before I could continue. “I- I like you, Mark.”

Twin emotions rose within me, relief to hear her say it, but also irritation because I could hear the ‘but’ in her words. “Jen, what is it that you think you need?” I asked, point blank.

“Can we just be friends? Can we go back to where we were a few weeks ago?”

No. Not a chance.

Out loud I said, “If that's what you think you need.”

“Thanks,” she breathed out, relief etched into her features. “I need time to process all of this. I’m not sure I can do that and continue to move forward with what we started last night.”

I could understand that, but I also knew this was just a stall tactic. That was fine. She was worth waiting for. I see through your bullshit. You don’t want to be friends any more than I do. But you’re still scared. I came in too aggressive. I’ll show you. You’re mine Jen, and I will make you see that.

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