Page 41 of Confessions of an Apache Pilot

After the very public breakup between Scott and I a few years ago, I’d taken to wearing the simple gold band. It was a constant reminder to me not to get involved again. Not that I really needed it. Scott had burned the reminder into my mind by causing a scene in front of our entire battalion. I’d been mortified. Dating men from work was always a bad idea. I’d known it then, but had let Scott convince me otherwise.

Brady nodded, as though he understood. Mark’s silence made me cringe internally. Laura of course had to chime in. “Yeah, cause your icy heart and resting bitch face really leaves men banging at your door.” Her laugh echoed loud enough that they probably heard it outside the perimeter walls.

I snapped my head toward her, giving her a sharp look that said in no uncertain terms that I’d pay her back for the comment. She gave me a toothy grin; it was more of a dare. All I could do was shake my head and laugh at myself. Laura was who she was. She’d never change. I wasn’t really sure I wanted her to. She was the one who always managed to keep me from being too serious all the time.

She laughed and winked at me. I turned back to Brady, pretending like I hadn’t heard her wise crack. The smug look on Mark’s face said that he agreed with Laura. His deep chuckle grated on my nerves. I cleared my throat and kept talking to Brady, ignoring the other two.

“Ahem, what about you? Married? Someone waiting for you back home?” This got an even bigger laugh from Sheppard. Brady looked at me for a moment like I had just asked him to sever his own arm.

“Marriage ain’t for me. I’m too old for that shit now. You meet a woman my age, she’s already damaged goods. Like I need more damage in my life.” He chuckled. I must have been giving him my unamused expression, Resting Bitch Face, as Laura put it, because he rushed to explain. “Look, you’re a woman, right?”

“Last I checked,” I said, in disbelief that he’d asked me that. But as usual with Brady, it was impossible not to hear him out just to see where it was going. Morbid curiosity was his guardian angel.

“At least someone checked…” Laura whispered to me. I gave her a mock glare and she choked back her grin.

“Clearly this,” he moved his hands up and down, gesturing to himself, “isn’t normal. Probably toxic. In spite of that I’ve dated a lot of women—all crazy. They would have to be. Either crazy is drawn to me or I’m drawn to crazy. Or maybe I make them crazy... Doesn’t matter either way. I’ve come to figure out that sometime between the ages of twenty and twenty-four, something tragic happens to all broads that leaves them simply undateable. I don’t fight it. It's unavoidable. So now I strive to be that tragic event.”

Laura and I stared at him quietly, blinking in shock. Then, Laura threw her empty cup at him and laughed uncontrollably. Everyone else laughed hard too, and I chuckled along with them. What Brady said stung a little though, because it was true for me. Laura was the only one who knew.

I was twenty-four when Scott, my boyfriend in flight school, or at least I thought he was my boyfriend, broke it off with me. Although, I guess that’s not exactly accurate. You can’t break up with someone if you’re not dating to begin with. I thought I was building a relationship. Thought we were building a future. Scott, on the other hand, just said one horrible thing after another before landing the final blow. All in front of my peers and superiors. It was tragic and a bit traumatizing and it had left me with a lot of scars. I didn’t trust easily anymore and I’d distanced myself from men as much as possible. Thus the ring I tended to wear, and the trouble I had believing a man was interested in me.

One day I’d have to get past my issues, or I’d end up alone. That wasn’t something I wanted, but how was a woman supposed to forget what had happened to her before? How was I supposed to trust myself or someone like Mark enough to take that chance?

“You’re just a place for me to dump cum before I go out on the weekends.” Scott’s last words to me echoed in my mind. The hurt wasn’t there anymore, I’d long since gotten over that. It still stung my pride that he’d played me so thoroughly, though. He hadn’t acted like I was a fling in the beginning. He’d worked hard to woo me.

I don’t think I’d ever cried as hard as I did that night. Not before or since. Three years dating him, except not really. I was dating him. Apparently, he wasn’t dating me. He’d just been stringing me along. As soon as he got his chance at a different duty assignment, he took it and didn’t think twice about me. And I never saw it coming. I still don’t know how I got played so badly. Then the bastard had the audacity to approach me in Bagram and act like I was being unreasonable for not wanting to be around him.

The worst part of it? Brady was one-hundred percent right. Since then what has my love life looked like? I waited until I had my transfer orders to a new base and then started dating. Meet someone for a few months and then put in for another transfer and moved across the country. Leaving them behind before it got serious. Always civilians, though. I hadn’t dated a soldier since Scott. I’d learned my lesson. Better to leave them than to have another Scott tear me down like that.

Just run away. That's what I excelled at. That was my brand of crazy, as Brady would put it. Pathetic. I let one asshole hurt me and spent the years since then running away, so I couldn’t be hurt again. I glanced over to Mark. And what are you doing now? Running away again. I changed the subject, though it wasn’t as easy to wrangle in my errant thoughts. Before I could ask anything else, Brady stood and walked away. I cut a questioning look at Mark.

Sheppard just shrugged. “Brady’s like that. He’s not big on talking about relationships. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

He wasn’t the only one. I stared at the fire, but watched Mark out of the corner of my eye. Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Don’t-

“So how about you? Anyone waiting at home?” The groan echoed through my mind as I asked the one thing I really shouldn’t. The last thing I should be doing is finding out more about him. Mark didn’t seem like the type to flirt with someone while deployed if he had someone waiting for him, but you never knew. There were all kinds in the military.

His brows drew low over his eyes and that intense stare he had pinned me in place. I met the look head on. I’d asked after all.

“No.” With that he also got up and left me and Laura sitting by the fire.

I blinked in confusion, then glanced over only to see her sitting there with a disappointed look on her face. “What did I say?”

She sighed. “Mark is… not the kind of guy you’re used to, Jen. He’s certainly not Scott. He wouldn’t be giving you time or attention if he was with someone else.”

That was pretty much what I’d suspected. “Okay…”

“Asking him that was a hit to his honor. That’s one thing you’ll learn about him. He holds his reputation and his honor above most everything else. You won’t hear anyone around here say a bad word about him.”

“I wasn’t trying to imply-”

“I know,” she said, cutting me off. “You didn’t mean it that way. I know you well enough to know two things. One, you’re trying to figure out if he really is into you, or if it’s all in your head.” Her blue eyes met mine. “Let me put that to rest. He’s into you. Like for real, go the distance kind of relationship.”

I felt my face heat up. Having someone point blank tell me that to my face made my heart race, but worried me at the same time. “And the second thing?”

“You’re self-sabotaging.”

My jaw dropped and I glared at her.

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