Page 86 of Company Ink

My heart starts beating faster, anger overpowering the fear, the hesitation. "That's funny becauseyouended up hurting me!" I exclaim, my voice rising. "You always hurt me!"

"Cassandra..."

"No!" I state sternly. "Listen to me! I'm yourdaughter, you should love me and support me and lift me up! Not make me out to be this pathetic person that's not good enough for other people. What makes you say that anyway?" I throw my hands up in the air, no longer in control of the words spilling out of my mouth like bullets. "You know what? You don't even know me! How can you have an opinion about someone you don't even know?!"

"Idoknow you," he says quietly, his eyes glossing over. "How can you say that?"

"How? How?!" I huff. "Well, let's see, you never came to any of my games, recitals, ceremonies. We barely talk, you never call me, and when we do hang out, we go fucking fishing, and can't talk because it scares the fish away!" I stop in front of his desk. "Do you dislike me that much? Do I mean nothing to you?"

"Cassandra, stop that right now!" he commands, his voice shaky. "You think I don't love you? Everything I have done in my life has beenforyou! I worked sixty-hour weeks so I could provide for you and your mother, so we could put you in dance classes, soccer, gymnastics, whatever it was that you wanted to do that week. So, I could buy you the dolls and clothes and toys you wanted."

"I didn't need stuff, dad!" I yell. "I needed you! And you were never there! Ever! Do you know how shitty it feels to look out into the stands and never see your dad? Huh? You can't know me; you've never spent time with me."

My father's face turns red, his eyes watering. "I know every single thing about you, Cassie! I might not have been at the games or recitals, but I've seen them! You think it was your mother's idea to video record everything? No, it was mine."

He stands up and walks over to the bookshelf, flipping open a compartment, revealing rows upon rows of VHS tapes. "This is everything you have ever done since you were a baby." He points to a tape. "Your first step. You think I wanted to miss that? No, Cassie, I didn't, but I had no choice. I had to work! I had to! But I watched this tape for hours!Hours!Trying to convince myself that I was there, that I saw it happen."

He points to another tape. "This was your ballet graduation. God, you were clumsy, but you were so focused and determined, I was so proud of you that day. I know you, Cassie, maybe through tapes, but Iknowyou." He faces me, his hands shaking. "And I love you, so much. You are the light of my life."

I clench my teeth together, tears streaming down my face. "If you love me, why don't you want to see me? Why did you cancel our fishing trip last month to hang out with your friends?"

My father wipes his eyes. "I wasn'thanging outwith Dave," he says quietly. "He was in town for cancer treatment."

I sniffle, wiping my nose on my sleeve. "Why didn't you tell me that? You just said a college buddy was in town."

"Because Cassandra! I know you! You'd worry! You'd look at Dave and realize that he's my age and that if he has stage three cancer, your mother and I can get it too." Dad takes a couple of steps towards me. "I didn't want to worry you, I just thought—"

"You were protecting me? Dad, I'm not a little girl anymore. You can tell me these things. I'd understand. Instead, you just bail on me and I'm left thinking that you don't care. Dad..." I look up and scan his pained eyes. "I love you and I…I want us to try harder. You and mom are leaving so soon. If we barely talk when you're thirty minutes away from me, how are we going to stay in touch when you're in a different country?"

My father nods his head and then does something I don't remember him ever doing; he hugs me. "I'm sorry, Cassie. I'msosorry. I love you so much, please don't give up on me. I will…I'll be better, I'll try harder."

I wrap my arms around my father and sink into his embrace. We stay like that for several minutes, just holding each other, making up for twenty-years-worth of hugs and love and understanding.

Adrian was right. I do feel better. I feel lighter, warmer, more secure. I know that we have a long way to go to fix our relationship, but I think we just took the first step.We talked.

Once my father releases me from his bear hug, I realize that my phone has been buzzing. Shit! Adrian. "I have to go now, dad. Adrian's picking me up," I say as he follows me into the foyer.

"I'll call you this weekend, Cassie," he says warmly. "I promise."

"I'm actually going away on a work trip this weekend but call me on Sunday, okay?" I know I should probably tell him about the new job and fess up about Adrian, but I don't want to ruin this moment. I'll tell them soon. I will.

My parents wave at me as I jog down their driveway and hop into Adrian's car. "Sorry I'm late," I say, putting on my seatbelt.

Adrian tilts his head, starting the engine. "Have you been crying?" he asks gently.

"Yup!" I take a deep, joyful breath. "I did it. I talked to my dad."

Adrian frowns. "Did it not go well?"

I turn my head towards him and smile. "I yelled at him," I state proudly. "He cried, I cried, we hugged, Adrian, wehugged! My dad doesn't hug...or cry. It was—" I relax into my seat. "Cathartic."

"That's wonderful to hear, Cassie," Adrian says, his soft dark eyes scanning my face. "And you feel better?"

I nod. "Yeah, I really do." Adrian pulls out of the parking spot and begins driving. "It's so weird," I continue, musing out loud. "I was definitely yelling, and my mom didn't barge in, she didn't interrupt us or anything. I was sure she'd step in at some point."

"Maybe she thought you guys needed to have that conversation," he offers.

"Yeah, maybe," I agree. "My mom's always defended my dad. Always. I mean I suppose after forty years of marriage that's a good thing."

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