Page 15 of Out of Focus

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since she walked into me.” Frankie walks toward me, and I scratch behind his ear before he runs away again. He still takes his time warming up to me, but I’ll take it since the dog doesn’t normally go anywhere near men—unless it’s Adam. He’s always loved Adam.

“I know Lainey talked to you about this, too. Have you given it any more thought?” Only every waking minute since that conversation, I want to say. They asked me to try to make things less awkward with Charlie. Something about the bickering not being a good example for the kids, but I know they just want us to be nice to each other. “I know you two have this weird tension or whatever it is, but it would really mean a lot to her. To us.” He says all of this like I don’t already know.

“Yeah. I know. I’ll talk to her today. I just always feel like such a fucking dumbass around her.”

“Raf. No.” He pins me with a look that I know all too well. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”

I smile because, as my oldest friend, he knows more about me than anyone. We met as young kids, and despite not always being in the same city, we’ve been like brothers since day one. He was the only friend who kept in touch when I was a Marine, and he’s the type of guy who shares his feelings openly. I’ve always admired that about him. So, I know exactly what he’s going to say because I’ve been hearing it for years.

Still, as if he knows I need the words said out loud, he goes on. “You’ve already come so far, Raf. I’m so fucking proud of every single thing you’ve done since the day I met you. From the kind of brother and friend you’ve always been, to your commitment to the Marine Corps, to starting a business and moving into this shared CEO role with Owen. You’re one of the most capable people I’ve ever met, so I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but I am going to tell you that I believe in you. I always have, and I always will. Being nice to Charlie isn’t going to come close to the shit you’ve already been through. You know this.”

My best friend, ladies and gentlemen. And he’s marrying the girl who bakes muffins and makes my favorite soup when I’m sick. Can you believe that? Somehow, they found each other. It’d be sickening, really, if it hadn’t happened to two of the greatest people I’ve ever known.

Yet again, I know he’s right. I tend to be the guy who defaults to it could always be worse, despite the fact that my life hasn’t been all rainbows. Sure, I was adopted by an amazing family, but I still have to deal with the emotions that come from not being wanted by my biological parents. No, I wasn’t taken hostage and nearly killed like Owen while I was a Marine, but I’ve still seen some shit most people can’t even imagine. And no, I haven’t experienced heartbreak in a romantic sense, but I also have never known what it’s like to fall in love in my nearly thirty-three years.

I smile at him, feeling the warmth of gratitude taking over the feelings of anxiety and uncertainty, though those certainly still linger.

“You got this. Just talk to her. Not like she’s better than you or thinks less of you. Not like you’re trying to annoy the ever-living shit out of her. Really talk to her. Let her see the real you.” I nod my head while the fear of Charlie seeing me for who I really am grips me so tightly it’s hard to breathe. The girl is some kind of genius. Maeve mentioned once that she has a double degree in Math and Economics from NYU, and then she went on to get a master's in Financial Economics from Oxford. I’d be intimidated if I wasn’t so fucking impressed. And what am I?

Not answering that question is what I am.

“All right, man, moving on. Let’s get this brunch going before those hungry girls show up and we have nothing ready.” He chuckles and makes his way to the fridge, getting more ingredients out, and we both get started on our dishes. My pão de queijo is always a hit, and Adam has some sort of cinnamon roll concoction going.

By the time the girls walk into the kitchen an hour later, we’ve got music going, I’ve made fresh coffee, and the table is set.

“Morning, boys! It smells fantastic in here!” Maeve strides in with her nose in the air and a happy grin as she rubs her round belly with both hands. “I’m chuffed to bits. This is impressive!”

Lainey makes her way to Adam, giving him a quick kiss. He takes the car seat from her and pulls it closer to his face, smiling at his sleeping daughter as they both watch her as though it’s for the first time.

Looking away from their private family moment, I walk over to Maeve, and she spreads her arms wide, pulling me into a hug. “Yes, can you believe men actually managed to cook a whole meal all by themselves?” I ask. She laughs, smacking me lightly on the shoulder.

“I can believe these men did, yes. Now, where’s that handsome husband of mine?” Before she finishes the question, Owen turns the corner with a big, cheesy smile as he strides toward his wife.

“Right here, sunshine. Jules is sleeping, finally.” He wraps an arm around her waist, hands resting on the underside of her belly, and kisses her neck. “You hungry?”

I ignore the tone in his voice that makes me believe he’s asking her about more than brunch. I’m happy for my friends, I really am, but everything feels different now. They each have their person to go to when they walk into a room, when they go home, and when they go to sleep at night. And what do I have? A long list of failed dates and near-relationships.

I want what they have. I want it so fucking badly, and I’ve been looking for it for a long time, but no one has fit as well as they seem to with their significant others. It’s starting to become a little frustrating, this wild goose chase to find the person I can fully belong with. Belong to. All while watching my best friends have it all. I’m feeling a little redundant here. Like it wouldn’t matter if I weren’t in the room. And that’s not some self-deprecating, self-pitying bullshit—it’s just how it feels now.

My friends are like my family. That’s what we are to each other, and I’m so lucky to have them. I know I belong in this group as much as anyone else, but something still feels incomplete. Like there’s another unit I’m meant to be a part of. I want to belong with and to someone who’s just mine at the end of the day. And I want to be only theirs.

There’s a weird sense of security in that for me. It’s not something I’ve ever had before. I’m one of six siblings, so the mantra sharing is caring got thrown around a lot in our house. As the only adopted kid, I was sort of thrust upon my family, and sure, they chose me as a baby, but I want to be chosen now. As I am. With all my mistakes and faults and insecurities out in the open.

I rub at my chest, hoping it helps ease the pressure that tends to build there when I think too much about this shit. Then, addressing no one in particular, I shout, “Teapot’s full of peppermint tea. I just brewed some coffee, too, and there’s iced coffee in the fridge.”

I look around for Charlie. I know she doesn’t drink hot coffee, so I made sure to have some waiting in the fridge for when the girls arrived. I spot her on the other side of the kitchen, and she looks up when I mention the coffee, nodding once in acknowledgment. She seems as quietly out of place as I do right now, making me feel a strange sense of camaraderie with the unlikeliest person.

Adam takes the last of the food over to the table, and we all sit to eat. The conversation is light and easy, like it usually is when we’re all together. When Lainey apologetically announces that she and Adam got married just before Agnes was born, Owen and I seem to be the only two people surprised, but we’re also both genuinely so happy for them. We all take turns holding Agnes, and it feels natural, this new dynamic in our little family; though there’s some new tension in the room no one but me seems to notice.

And now Charlie is here. I don’t know for how long, and I don’t know why, but it’s different this time. It’s not just a quick visit. The thought makes my whole body tingle, the way it gets when your leg falls asleep, then you move it, and it’s like pins and needles everywhere. You want to move, want to get away from that feeling, but that only makes it worse. You just have to sit still, waiting for it to pass. But I can’t, so when brunch is over, and everyone heads into the living room with the babies, I walk back into the kitchen quietly, hoping cleaning up is enough to occupy my mind and hands.

I’m just about to start washing the pots and pans when I hear a cup being set on the countertop. I turn, and my eyes widen in surprise, seeing Charlie a few feet away from me. Suddenly, I feel like I’m standing on top of a mountain. The air is thinner, harder to pull into my lungs. Just looking at her scrambles my brain cells.

She clears her throat before parting her lips. “Thank you so much for cooking. Those little cheesy bread things you made were perfect.” She’s looking at me, but not in the eyes.

What do I have to do to get her to look at me? To see me?

“I’m glad you enjoyed them.” A long moment passes without either of us saying anything. I’m about to turn back to the dishes when she speaks again.

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