Page 83 of Sparks Still Fly

Maeve. I need Maeve. I can’t lose both of my girls on the same night. I can’t.

47/

do you want to take a pregnancy test now?

maeve

I spent the whole night staring at my phone. Waiting. Hoping. Needing news that Owen is okay, that Julia is okay. But I haven’t gotten any. I’m watching the sunrise from my bedroom in a house that doesn’t feel like home quite like Owen’s did, and it only makes my heart ache more. His house felt more like home in a week than my own has for months.

Every call and text that isn’t Owen just makes my chest feel a little bit tighter, and I can’t bring myself to respond to any.

I miss them. We hardly had any time together in that little bubble, but God, it was perfect, and all I want is to go back there.

“Maeve Charlotte Howard, I know you’re in here!” Bon’s voice booms from somewhere in my house, and the relief and dread battle inside of me as I wait for her to find me. It’s early, and she hates mornings, so I know this is out of love. I know she’s worried.

Sure enough, a minute later, she’s standing in the doorway to my bedroom with her hair in a nest atop her head, wearing a cropped T-shirt and what must be Adam’s sweatpants because they’re about six sizes too big for her.

“Cheese on rice, Mae. You have us all worried sick! If it wasn’t for Raffy telling us you were here and safe, I think I would have broken down your gate to get to you sooner.” She huffs out a breath, sounding properly winded. “I’ve been calling you and Owen all night. Well, most of the night, because I somehow fell asleep while sitting at the dining room table with my phone in my hand. Adam found me when he got home this morning from a redeye flight. Can you believe that?” She’s already in my bed, tucking her legs under my covers. “Anyway, I must be coming down with something because as soon as I got up from my perch at the table, I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I don’t think I’ll be eating chicken pot pie for a little while, which is such a shame because Adam has gotten so good at making them for me.” She sits up quickly and scoots farther from me on the bed. “Oh fuck, what if I’m contagious? I wasn’t even thinking. I’m so sorry, I’ll go, I?—”

I place a hand on my best friend’s clammy one and pull her back in. “I don’t think what you have is contagious, Bon. Come here.” My sweet, clueless Elaina is pregnant, but I’m not about to tell her as much.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, but the little wheel is spinning faster and faster in Elaina’s brain as all the questions she’s begging to ask run through her mind. I’m the first to ask a question though.

“Have you heard from O?” My voice cracks at even just the mention of him. Every part of me is as brittle as the sugar glass we use on set. Just one touch and I’ll crack into a million tiny pieces.

Bon heaves out a sigh. “Yeah. Raf and Arthur are there now. They’ve got him.” She bites her bottom lip, and I know she has more to say. “From someone who has left the love of her life in the middle of the night herself, why did you run, Mae? I’m not judging. It’s not my place to. I just want to understand.” There’s not a single thread of doubt in me that she means every word.

“It’s just easier this way. I would have caused too much of a commotion, and Julia’s health is the most important thing right now.” She nods, but also narrows her eyes at me. I can see that my answer isn’t sufficient for her, and I don’t blame her for wanting to question me further. Honestly, it’s not quite enough for me either, but the small voice in my head gets louder with every passing minute. It keeps telling me that I won’t be enough, that he’ll be settling if he commits to a life with me. That one day, he’ll see that I’m not wife or mother material. Just like my mum.

“You’re not even going to ask me how I know Owen is the love of your life?” My stomach drops and splatters on the floor beneath us. I didn’t even catch what she had said. “Because he is, Maeve. And if you seriously think you’re doing him some kind of favor by distancing yourself from him and Julia, you’re wrong.” Elaina never pushes like this. She’s normally softer with her delivery. This feels more like Charlie than Bon right now. “I’ve watched you two since we were nineteen. You became reluctant friends, forced together by me because you love me so much you were willing to befriend my deployed brother so he’d have someone else to talk to.” She huffs out a small laugh.

“I’m not stupid enough to think you did it all for me. I knew it was for you, too, but you agreed because I asked you. I asked because, even then, I could see the connection between you two. Like the string that bound you both together suddenly glowed when you were in the same room, begging to never be pulled apart again.” Her glassy green eyes go to the window as a tear rolls down her cheek. “I know those years when we didn’t hear from him were hard, and I’m sorry I never talked to you about it. I couldn’t, back then. I know seeing him again after so long was hard on you, and I love and appreciate you so much for not once complaining about having to be close to Owen again. You’re the most selfless person I know, Mae, and I’m so grateful to you.” Her eyes remain on something else in the room, and I know she has more to say. “I could never ask you to settle for a life you don’t want, but I also could never watch you give up on your biggest dream just because you’re scared you won’t be enough. You’re always enough. Just as you are. Always.”

It doesn’t surprise me that she knows my heart so well. I know hers intimately, and I understand how it feels to see your best friend, your chosen sister, hurting.

“Do you think I’d make a good enough mum? I mean, I know I’ll never be like Eva, or the kind of mum you’ll be. I know I don’t have that natural maternal sensitivity like you, but do you think I could learn?” Tears run fast and hot down my cheeks, pooling on the bed sheet crumpled in my lap before sinking quickly into the fabric. I watch as my sadness and confusion are soaked up and wonder if it can be that easy to let your fears be soaked up by something else, too.

“Mae. Where is this coming from? How could you think you’re not maternal? Do you know that Owen sent me a voice memo bragging about how you were there to help him with Julia? He didn’t say anything about what you did, but how you did it. How you went straight into action and told him he was doing a great job even when he had no clue what he was doing. How you stayed calm, right by his side the entire time.” Bon moves so that we’re face-to-face, her watery green eyes looking straight into mine. “Who do we go to when we don’t know what to do? You, Maeve. You get shit done. Sure, I bake muffins, but you act in a moment of crisis. You have maternal instincts, Maeve Howard. You don’t need to be taught. You’ve taken care of me and Charlie hundreds of times. Hear me when I say this, Maeve. You are not your mother.”

And that’s when the dam breaks. My tears come out in a torrential downpour, and my sobs rack my body, which my best friend readily hugs.

Deep down, I’ve always known that I’m not like Catherine, but she played right into my deepest insecurities. Except, I know Bon is right. I’m capable of love. I’ve loved Elaina since the day I met her. I’ve loved Charlie my whole life. I’ve loved Owen for ten years. I already love this little baby who I’ve only just met.

I can’t find the words to respond to her just yet, but my resolve is kicking in. I can’t let Owen go through this alone. Not when he’s already been through such a scary time all on his own. I know that my love for him is enough to make me want to be there for him, even if, in the end, he doesn’t want my complicated mess. Even if I turn out not to be enough, or I turn out to be too much, Owen deserves to feel loved and supported. I never should have left, but fear drove me here, away from him and back to familiar feelings. Now, I’ll let love drive me back to him.

“Want to come to Ojai with me? We can call Char and she can come with?” Bon’s eyes widen as she pulls back to look at me, and she nods furiously, eyes welling with tears. Jen helped Charlie find a place in LA, so she’s close by. “Okay. Do you want to take the pregnancy test now, or would you rather do it at home with Adam?”

“W-what?” Bon blinks, and her tears stream down her cheeks, hands trembling as she shakes her head.

“Bestie, your boobs have always been fabulous, but they look like they’re ready to pop out of that top and make my A-cups shrivel up in jealousy. You threw up chicken pot pie? That’s not normal. Not for you. And you haven’t fallen asleep at a table since our uni days. You will always seek out a sofa or a bed, but you were tired enough to pass out with the lights on, sitting on a hard chair.” Her tears are free falling down her cheeks when she brings her hands to them, and a small sob shakes her shoulders.

“You think so? Oh God, Mae, this is awful timing.” My heart stops beating as I consider the possibility that this wouldn’t make her happy.

“Bon, do you not want a baby?”

“I do. I mean we didn’t plan for it to happen so fast, but we knew we wanted this eventually. I had my IUD taken out because we’re getting married soon, but I didn’t think anything would happen so fast. We haven’t really been careful lately, and I haven’t been tracking my cycles. But I had wine that day at Owen’s so I can’t be pregnant, right? Because that would be bad for a baby. And Owen needs me. I need to be able to be there for him and for you, and will I be able to do that if I’m this tired all the time? And, fuck, my boobs hurt so fucking badly.”

“Bon, breathe. Look at me.” She takes a shaky inhale and looks at me with sad eyes. “I could be wrong, but, my sweet friend, if I’m right, we’re going to celebrate because I could never feel anything but pure joy knowing you’re going to bring a life into this world, and I know everyone will feel the same. So, what do you say we go find out?” I squeeze her still shaking hand and she smiles. I want this for her and Adam, and even if it’s not today, I look forward to celebrating this milestone with them. But I’m pretty sure this is it.

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