Page 82 of Sparks Still Fly

“Here you go, Ms. Howard. It’s going to be all right, miss. You go on and cry as much as you need to.” He gives me a reassuring look before settling his eyes back on the road, and I feel the impact of tonight’s events settle like a weighted blanket on my body, only there’s no comfort in it. It’s much too heavy. Suffocating. Every breath is a struggle as I try to push back against the heaviness, but it only seems to grow stronger. The darkness outside mirrors the growing weight inside, and I am consumed by the overwhelming sense of dread and sadness.

The loud sobs that overtake my body, the sounds I make, feel and sound foreign. Like it’s happening to someone else, because I can’t be living through this pain again, can I? Losing Owen once was enough. Once nearly wrecked me.

46/

are you her father?

owen

Her fever is even higher now. The nurse looked at me like I was an absolute imbecile when I stammered that she just started crying and wouldn’t stop.

“Are you her father?” The question is simple enough, but the answer gets lodged in my throat, and I can’t force it out. “Sir?”

“N-no. No, I’m not. I’m her guardian. I just got her today.” The two nurses at the desk exchange worried glances, like they don’t know what to do next.

Welcome to the club.

“Can you please just take care of her? I’ll pay whatever it costs, just please… Please help her.” Julia is still screaming as one of the nurses and I see the thick substance on her ear at the same time. She puts on a glove and wipes it, and it looks like there’s blood, too. My head instantly starts to pound, every possible worst-case scenario slamming into my skull like a highway pile-up.

I take a few deep breaths as the nurses ask all kinds of questions about Julia, what medication she’s taken, if any, and I answer everything in the same way: I don’t know. I feel like such a fuck-up. Doing my best to explain the situation to them, they seem to believe that I’ve only been with her a few hours, and I reiterate that in that time all she’s had is formula.

Julia’s taken away for scans, and one of the nurses reassures me she’ll be well cared for. I’ve called a pediatrician in town, and I was going to take Julia in next week to see her, but we haven’t even had time for that, so the ER was the best option.

Reaching into my back pocket to call Maeve and let her know where I am in the hospital, I find it empty. Of course. Of course I remembered every little thing Julia could have needed, but forgot my phone in the house.

I walk back to the front desk and explain to the nurses that Maeve might be coming in looking for me, and they all look at me like they can see a few loose screws in my head. I don’t even blame them. I came in with a sick baby, who isn’t mine, and now I’m telling them one of the most well-known actresses in the world might be coming to look for me. Yeah, they’re not letting me leave this place without getting my head checked.

A little over two hours later, I’m still in the waiting room. Julia is in intensive care, but I can’t stay there with her yet. She has a terrible ear infection, which was made worse by the air pressure in the airplane. I’ve been responsible for her for only a few hours, and I managed to fuck up already.

I’m about to crawl out of my skin. I don’t know where the hell Maeve is, or if she’s been trying to contact me. I can’t call anyone, and my heart feels like it might actually beat right through my rib cage.

I’ve felt this panic before. I know this feeling, of being trapped and feeling like there’s no way out, except this time it’s not a place I’m trapped in, it’s this loop of not knowing what’s next. It feels like there’s always another shoe about to drop these days, and I’m not sure I can handle any more.

“Owen!” A deep male voice sounds down the hall, and I turn around to see who’s calling me. I round the corner at breakneck speed and nearly collide with Arthur. Raf, walking a few steps behind his brother, comes to a sudden stop just before we all crash into each other. He quickly places his hands on my shoulders, halting my momentum as my body jolts forward. “There you are,” he says with concern in his voice. I hardly even register his face as my eyes roam the hallway and front doors, willing Maeve to appear there.

“Look at me, James,” Raf’s voice is commanding. I normally only hear him like this on the job or on the field. I do as he’s asking me. “Maeve’s all right. She’s safe.” Then the fucker hugs me. Tight. And he doesn’t let go. Not until my breathing settles and my shoulders relax. Then he slaps me on the back and pulls back.

“How’s the littlest baby girl doing?” I shake my head, and he understands that I don’t have any answers.

“Where is she?” My voice trembles and cracks as I try to speak. My stomach churns, a sour taste filling my mouth. It feels like I’m losing hold of something precious. It’s slipping through my fingers like sand.

Raf lets out a breath, and I know he doesn’t want to tell me. “She’s in LA.” He lets the words sink in for two seconds before he continues, “Luke’s with her, and he’s updating me every hour. And no, I will not ask him to also update you. You have enough on your mind here. You worry about Julia. We’ve got Maeve.” I swallow my protests down because I know he’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. She left. Not just the hospital. She left Ojai. She left. Us.

“Why?” I ask Rafael, but it’s Arthur who clears his throat as if to answer.

“I think she’s running away, Owen.” Art’s eyes flick to his brother as they exchange a look of sympathy or some other bullshit sentiment I don’t care for right now. “She wouldn’t tell me much when I asked her what’s going on, but I could see it all over her face. She looked…spooked. I’m sorry.”

I feel my brows furrow as I listen to my friend’s words, and the tension in my stomach intensifies as I try to imagine what my wife could be running away from. My fists clench and my heart races as I think about her walking away without a word. Is it anger, disappointment, or frustration coursing through me? Maybe all three. I thought she was coming around to the idea of us. I thought we were moving forward. But she left. Why now, when I need her the most?

I walk back to the waiting room, not wanting a nurse or doctor to not find me there if they ever decide to tell me what’s happening. The guys follow silently.

My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I need Maeve here. I want her here.

But she doesn’t want to be here, does she?

The three of us sit down, and I remember my lack of a phone.

“Hey, would you mind going by my house and getting my phone? I forgot it when we rushed out with Julia, and I need… I gotta know what’s going on directly from Maeve.” I swallow as I rub at my eyes because I’m exhausted, but I’m also on the verge of ugly crying right here in this hospital waiting room. “I need to call my mom. I need to call Lainey. I need…”

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