Page 8 of Sparks Still Fly

“Big brother! Hi!” She shifts in her seat, like she can’t be still.

“Hey, Lainey Banainey. It’s good to see your face.” And it’s true. I’m so relieved to see her.

“So good to see you, O. How are you?” I don’t know how to answer that. Not really.

“I’m... okay. It’s been a tough deployment, but I’m all right.” I swallow down the lump in my throat. “How are you? How are the girls?” I hope it’s subtle enough, the way I’m clearly asking about Maeve.

“Everyone is great. Char is on campus, but Mae should be home soon. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you. She’s been worried. I mean, Charlie too, but you and Maeve talk more often, and you’re like friends now, so...” Her words make me feel both heavier and lighter. I don’t want Maeve to worry about me, but the heaviness in my chest lightens at the fact that she thinks of me, talks about me.

I hear a loud thump in the background and Lainey looks up. “Oh, speaking of Mae, she’s here.”

Maeve is there. My heart doesn’t know what to do in my chest. Does it beat faster? Stop altogether? Then she’s in front of me, with a huge smile on her face, those baby blues sparkling.

“There she is. Hey, Maevey.” She freezes, smile faltering as her eyes roam all over the screen, surely taking in how tan my skin is, maybe even the cuts on my face and the dark circles under my eyes.

“I gotta pee so bad. You guys talk. I’ll be right back!” Lainey skips away, and Maeve sits on the chair in front of the laptop.

“Are you...Is everything...How—” Her eyes sparkle as tears fill them. Fuck, I hate that I’m the cause of those.

“I’m okay, Maevey. I’m happy to see you. And I’m sorry...” It’s harder to get the words out than I expected. “I’m sorry if I worried you. We couldn’t call from where we were.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m just so happy to see yo—to see that you’re safe.” It’s my turn to take in every detail in front of me. The freckles on her nose. How her too-long bangs hang over her forehead. The curve of her lips.

“Tell me something good?” Though, I personally can’t imagine anything better than this. Just looking at her.

“This is the best thing right here.” And fuck, my heart does a full cartwheel in my chest hearing her say those words.

november, 8 years ago

“Tell me something unpopular,” I say.

Her nose scrunches up in confusion, and her blue eyes twinkle with the afternoon sun in front of her. She’s just so fucking pretty, I sometimes wonder if she’s real. After two years of seeing her over a computer screen, the sight of her still makes my skin tingle.

“You know, like an unpopular opinion,” I explain.

“Oh. All right. Ummm, well, I think pepperoni on pizza is absolutely rank. Americans really bungled that one up!” She sticks her tongue out, then scowls as if pepperoni pizza committed a felony against humanity. I laugh because between the fact that she just said rank and bungled, I’m pretty sure I’m becoming obsessively enamored with her. “They wrecked something so wonderful by putting the lowest form of salami on it. Yuck!”

My laughter grows, and it’s been so long since I heard the sound that it startles me. We both seem to catch on to the fact that I’m laughing at the same time as we stop and stare into our respective screens.

“Tell me something crazy,” she says, a small smile on her face as she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip.

The combination of how tired I am and how good it feels to see her, I don’t think, and the words just stumble out of me. “If I was there right now, I’d kiss you. I’d kiss you until your lips were swollen. It’d be my teeth on that bottom lip instead of yours.” She releases her lip from the hold her teeth had on it. Her eyes widen and her breathing is shallow. “If you’d asked me to say something true, I would have said the same thing.” Her lips part, and she looks down at her hands on the table, head shaking gently as she mumbles something to herself.

“Maeve?” She doesn’t look up right away, looking lost in her thoughts. I probably shouldn’t have said it, but now it’s out there. Maybe we should just move on. Pretend like I said nothing at all. “Tell me something.” I swallow, feeling really fucking stupid for so obviously misreading our connection. “Anything…”

She finally looks up at the screen again, eyes gazing directly at the camera. “I wish you were here.” I inhale deeply, and when my lungs fill up, I can’t tell if it’s oxygen or her words I’m breathing.

“I’d—” Her eyes shoot up somewhere around the room, and she freezes, then smiles a little too widely. “Bon! You made it.”

“Hey! Did I miss him again? Please tell me I didn’t.” I hear my little sister’s voice somewhere in the distance.

“No, you haven’t. He’s here.” Maeve scoots to the side as Lainey comes into view. “Later, O.” She smiles softly, eyes glistening. As she stands, she mouths please be safe, then waves. And then she’s out of sight.

I do my best to engage in whatever Elaina is telling me, but all I can think about is her saying, I wish you were here. And the sad look in her eyes as she stood up. I wonder if I made a huge mistake. If my selfish choice just impacted her in a way I never wanted it to. I’m not available. Period. The Marine Corps is my life, and it’s been that way for seven years. There’s no room for a relationship. No time. I see what having someone back at home does to some of the guys, and I don’t want that. I don’t want a life of waiting for Maeve. I want her to be happy with someone who’s available, who can make her a priority, and who can be there for her, with her, every day. I’m not that guy. Not yet.

Over the last few months, it’s been harder and harder not to tell her how I feel. How much I think about her. How often I pull out that little origami swan she made the day we met. Even though I know I shouldn’t.

I was selfish today. I said what I was thinking. And now, I wish I could take it back.

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