Page 76 of Sparks Still Fly

I’m still in love with you, too!

I want to scream it, but the words stay lodged somewhere between my heart and my mouth.

“Hmm.” Owen’s hands switch to my other leg, spreading more of his warmth over my skin.

“How are you feeling about Julia? About seeing her today, taking her home tomorrow?” The subject change has this conversation going from charged to strained, all thanks to me.

“Good. I’m excited to see her. Nervous as hell to have a little person to take care of. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, even after all the books I’ve been reading.” His hands go still, and I can feel the tension building in his body. I hate that I caused it.

“You’ll be great, Owen. You’ve prepared as much as you could in a short amount of time. And…I mean, I can help you. I don’t know a ton about babies either, but we could…we could figure it out, for now.” I shrug, immediately feeling stupid for my suggestion. I know nothing about babies or motherhood. But I don’t suppose I’m going to be her mother anyway because this will end soon. It has to. I’m not the person Owen deserves. He deserves a sweet wife and a loving mother for his children. I can’t be that. It’s genetically impossible.

“Hey,” Owen says as he squeezes my leg again. “Don’t overthink it. This is whatever you want it to be, remember?” I wince. Not because his words are harsh. He literally says the perfect thing to appease my worries all the time, but because I know what I want it to be. I just can’t get past how I could ever become the woman his family deserves. So, I say the thing I know he deserves to hear.

“For the record, Owen, you’re going to be a great dad. The kind that teaches his kids to play whatever sports they’re into, who creates a safe space for them to be creative and fully themselves. You’re going to be the kind of dad you had growing up, O. That legacy is going to live on, and I’m really happy I’m going to get to watch that happen.” Even if from afar, I don’t say.

The tension in his body evaporates, and he leans in, laying a warm kiss on my shin. “Thank you, Maevey.”

The remainder of the flight is less intense, as we choose lighter topics to talk about. Places we’ve traveled to, funny stories about Bon and Raf and I chat about Charlie and her plans to take a break from her life in London. It doesn’t surprise me at all that my twin is finding herself while I’m attempting to do the same.

I somehow manage to enjoy our time together rather than dwelling too much on how much this brand-new dynamic of ours is about to change. I'm excited for him. He’s so ready for this, and he’s going to be a great dad to this little girl.

When we land in San Diego, there’s a blacked-out SUV waiting for us. Owen gets into the driver’s seat, blowing out a long breath as he adjusts the seat and mirrors. I peek into the back seat and notice there’s a car seat already set up, just like the one in his truck in Ojai. It feels so real, now. This baby girl is about to become a part of Owen’s family. There’s a whole lifetime of worrying and making choices. A whole person to nurture and help grow. It’s terrifying.

On the drive, he takes my hand, placing it on my lap with our fingers intertwined. He occasionally looks over at me, a small smile always on his face.

We eventually make it to a parking lot, and once the car is stopped, Owen pulls my hand to his lips, lays a kiss on it and lets me go so we can exit the vehicle.

As we step up to the brown building, I take Owen’s hand back in mine, and he gives it a squeeze. I turn my face toward him, ready to reassure him as he’s been reassuring me this whole time.

The words are right there.

I love you. Whatever happens, we’ve got this. I’m not going anywhere.

But the front door opens, and the social worker steps out with a bright smile on her face.

42/

she. loves. me.

owen

I’m nervous as all fuck, but I’ve been trying really hard not to let it show. And Maeve’s been amazing. We’ve talked about things we’ve missed out on during our time apart. Even if we hadn’t been touching every second of this trip, I would have felt comforted just by having her here. Everything makes sense as long as she’s around.

Hand-in-hand, we walk up to the Health and Human Services building where we can spend time with Julia before the court guardianship hearing tomorrow.

Maeve puts on her best celebrity smile, and Jessica, the young social worker, eats it right up. “Hello again, Jessica.” If Jessica was, or is, star-struck at all, she does not show it, and I like that about her. It makes this whole thing a lot less stressful.

As we step inside, Julia’s little coos fill my ears and Maeve’s head perks up at the sound, too. She looks at me with brows raised and an excited smile on her face.

“Oh, she’s been a bit fussy today,” Jessica says with apologetic eyes.

Someone else is holding Julia, who doesn’t seem to be settling. Maeve takes a few steps toward Julia with me but stops just behind me as I place a gentle hand on Julia’s little blonde head.

“Is somebody having a tough day?” I attempt the soft, soothing tone I heard my dad use on me and Lainey as kids. The kind that always made me feel a little more settled. Julia continues to scream, and my heart lurches as doubt creeps in. Maeve’s hand rests on my arm, and she squeezes lightly. It’s enough to keep me grounded, enough to encourage me to keep trying.

“May I?” I ask the social worker, who nods and begins to hand Julia over to me. I cradle Julia gently in my arms, smiling down at her. I tuck her blanket a little tighter around her, so her arms don’t flail too much.

I look down at Maeve, who is watching silently as Julia continues to grizzle. “I read the other day that when they’re this little, they like to be held close, and because they can’t control their limbs yet, you sort of have to do it for them.” Once it feels like she’s a little more snug in my arms, I start to bounce a little. “And they like movement, because it mimics what it felt like when they were in the mom’s belly, and sometimes shushing works, too.” Julia’s cries get louder for a moment, so I look back down at her, hoping with everything I’ve got that this works. “We’ll try this for a few minutes and see how you like it, all right?” Julia doesn’t respond, but Maeve smiles encouragingly.

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