Page 79 of Lost Love Found

I take a deep breath and nod. “She told me she’d do it all again. She’d live through the pain of losing Dad all over again as long as she got to have the time they had together.”

“I believe that. Eva and Doug had a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.” I wince at her words, knowing they’re true and wondering if the same is true for me. “But if she ever loved again, it wouldn’t undo the love she had for him. It wouldn’t change the connection they had. Do you know that?” She shakes her head gently before continuing. “If your mom ever loves another man, it won’t undo, devalue, or erase the love she had with your dad. It would still be a once in a lifetime love. Do you agree?” I nod as I shut my eyes to hold back tears. “Do you understand that this is also true for you? You lost love once, but you’ve been lucky enough to find it again.”

She knows. She knows I think Andy was my once-in-a-lifetime love. And, god, I feel so stupid because of course she’s right. My mom had a whole life with my dad, and I know she could find love again. I hope she does. I had a few months with Andy, and I’ve lived the last 10 years thinking I could never get that again. Thinking I didn’t deserve it. Being too afraid to ask for it or want it.

“You know, Mel, I’ve been in therapy for 10 years. I’ve talked to my best friends about my fear of relationships at length. Not once was I given this perspective. I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights if I had just come to talk to you.” I let out a frustrated sigh, annoyed at myself that it took her a few sentences to put me in my place and get me to see what I’d been missing.

“Oh, honey, it wouldn’t have mattered. You wouldn’t have been ready. It had to be now. It had to be today when you unconsciously walked by my house.” She smiles into her cup of coffee.

Mel wasn’t just Andy’s cool aunt who made herself scarce whenever Andy and I were watching a movie. He came to live with her after for reasons I didn’t know about when Andy and I were dating. It turns out it was because he was depressed and spiraling, and Mel offered to take him in. She was the person who told me of his death and held me up when my legs failed me. She stood by me at the funeral where no one knew who I was because Andy had never told his family and friends who lived hours away. She reassured me that he never told them because I was a treasure to him, not for any other reason. This woman, who was so deeply heartbroken herself, took time to see me and console me. She let me cry. Loudly. She let me release part of the pain I kept bottled in during those first few days.

“I don’t know how to thank you. You have been monumental in my life, and I don’t think I’ve ever told you.” I feel tears threatening and bite my lip to keep my chin from wobbling.

“I was just thinking the same thing about you, Elaina. You gave me a chance to see my nephew happy again. To hear him laugh. You gave him his first love, and I had a front-row seat as it unfolded.” She wipes a tear from her cheek and sniffles. “What a gift you gave, sweet girl. To both of us.” My own tears flow freely now as we sit and look at one another. If this isn’t the exact thing I’ve needed to hear for a decade, I don’t know what is.

“Can I give you a hug?”

She laughs as she stands, pulling me in. “You always did give the very best hugs. The kind of hugs that say I love you without needing to say it.”

I smile as I close my eyes and hug her tight. “I do, Mel. I do love you.”

“I know, honey. And I love you.” I nod as I commit this moment to memory. A new memory of Mel and me. A happy one.

We sit around the table for another hour as she tells me about how she’s been running the bookstore in town and also the book club. She’s fallen in love herself with the man who owns the coffee shop across the street from her store and she laughs when my jaw drops to the floor. It’s almost too perfect to be true. But I’m thrilled for her, and I feel my heart beat steadily for the first time in 9 days.

Mel drives me home and by the time I get in, mom is home making dinner. She calls out to me when I step inside. “Elaina?”

“Hi, Mamá.” I pause and take her in for the first time in a long time. Her brown hair is perfectly set in a low bun. The apron with mine and Owen’s faded handprints that she’s used since I was two. The warm smile she greets me with, no matter what. No matter how much she’s hurting, and I know she’s had many days when she probably didn’t want to smile. I walk towards her and hug her tightly.

“Hi, darling. You doing OK?” She kisses my cheek and sets her wooden spoon down.

I nod, looking into her golden brown eyes. “I love you, mom. And I appreciate you so much. And I’m sorry I haven’t come home more. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with my nonsense this past week.”

“I love you too, my beautiful girl. And you don’t need to be sorry. You needed to do this on your own time.” Her eyes sparkle with all the love and understanding she so willingly gives away.

“Can I help with dinner?” I kiss her temple, thankful for her love and her ability to give me space when I need it - something she would have struggled with 10 years ago.

“I’d love that.”

The sizzle of oil and the sweet aroma of mother’s cooking fill the kitchen and makes my stomach rumble. I share with her the conversation I had with Mel, a friend of my mom’s thanks to the book club. She smiles at me, and I feel a warmth inside knowing that my mom and I have a friend in common.

That night I'm able to lay my head on the pillow without crying, though Adam is still on my mind.

* * *

On day 10, I cleaned up my room and made muffins with mom. I read more of my book and we went for a long walk around town.

On day 11, I talked to Maeve and told her I set a date to go see Betty. She told me she’s proud of me and that she’ll support me no matter what happens.

On day 12, I made it to a steamy scene in my latest book while I was in the bath. When I touched myself, I thought only of him. And when I came, it was his name I whispered. I wanted to call him, to hear his voice, to hear him say those three words again so I could say them back. But I knew I needed to wait to do it in person.

Now it’s day 13 and as I step out of Mom’s car, my feet carry me forward even though I don't recall the movements. My heart is racing, and my palms are clammy as they clench and unclench. I can feel Mom's gaze behind me as I walk up the sun-bleached steps to Betty’s Diner. The sound of a car engine idling follows my every move until I'm standing in front of the door, as if it's daring me to enter. Great. I thought there might be a couple of customers, but did someone have to come right now?

“You got this, Lainey Banainey.” It’s Owen’s nickname for me. It’s Owen’s voice. I turn around and see my brother stepping out of a car and three more heads I know and love popping out with big smiles on their faces. They came here. For me.

I jump off the steps that groan beneath my weight and run into them, feeling all eight arms wrapped around me. I have the greatest friends in the world.

“We love you, Bon,” I hear Maeve say.

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