Page 97 of Possession

My numb hand fumbles with the knob to my door, and I stumble inside, almost falling over my trash can. The near-miss unsettles me; I have to go to my bed to get my bearings. It’s only once I sit that I realize that I’m shaking, that I’ve been shaking.

I lay down, somehow managing to pull my covers over myself. I need to rest. My body needs to recuperate, right? I don’t know. I have no idea what the cure for almost dying is.

I fist my pillowcase, squeezing my eyes shut. I’m so disoriented that I don’t even realize how cold my room is.

***

When I wake, replaying the encounter with Jaegen, depression hits like a tank. There will never be enough that I could learn; there is nothing to protect myself. If Jaegen or Aris will it, I’ll be destroyed with less than a thought.

Whatever they want will be done.

Look. See. Talk.

What’s the point of going on like this, as a puppet, as a toy? I thought—what did I think, that I could have control? That I could read a book and make sense of what happened to me—make up my own mind? My mind hasn’t mattered for years now.

I’m soon overwhelmed with heaving sobs. Even if Aris leaves me be, now Jaegen is interested. And Aris won’t leave me be. We hadn’t been separated for two days before he trespassed in my dreams.

Jaegen’s words drift through my head. He continues his games.

He’s right. And they’re games I continue to lose.

I have no power. The only person, or thing, rather, that could stop Aris would be Jaegen, but…

But what? Jaegen could fight Aris. He could beat him.

I freeze before bursting into action, sliding to the ground and tripping over my feet as the idea overwhelms me. He is the answer. As terrifying as that is, Jaegen is the answer.

Something overcomes me at the thought of the two of them fighting and Jaegen winning, of being free of Aris.

I don’t have any clean paper, so I start ripping pages from something as I scribble in a manic frenzy, spreading thick blots of ink across paper and staining my hands in the process. I try to draw the size of Jaegen, the expanse of him, tearing piece after piece of paper to illustrate a gigantic void, which soon takes up half of my room.

Maybe it isn’t hopeless, I think. Maybe I can keep going—with Jaegen.

When I finish, I can’t tell if hours or minutes have passed. I lay amongst the drawings, breathing heavily. The haze has cleared now, and I notice that the ripped pages are from my mother’s book. I find the thing with my picture on the front and see that a good chunk of it is missing now. Maybe that’s for the best.

I pick it back up and pull out the duffel bags packed for me. I haven’t even look through them, but I rifle through now and find some personal items from the cabin: a hairbrush, some clothing, and the hospital bracelet I was missing. It warms my heart that Henry thought to pack it.

Sudden knocks on my door pull my attention, and I startle, standing.

“Mary?”

Henry. It’s as if the thought of him summoned him.

I pocket and zip the bags shut before rushing to the door, opening it to see Henry with his hands in his pockets, face slightly abashed. I’m surprised—normally, I’m the one who’s nervous.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi,” I say.

His smile is small. “So… I wanted to apologize.”

“Okay,” I say. I’m so frazzled that I don’t know what he means at first. And then I remember him running off, and I cross my arms over my chest.

“I shouldn’t have left you. That was wrong.”

“It was,” I reply carefully. I haven’t decided how to react yet. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting him to show up and say any of this, so I’ve been thrown through another loop. My attention is still caught on Jaegen and Aris.

He seems truly embarrassed, maybe even upset. “I’m really sorry, Mary. I’ve been unfair to you, and not just today.”

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