Page 86 of Possession

“Henry mentioned that you were curious about that.”

My brow furrows. He met with Henry—Henry talked to him about me? I try to keep the surprise off of my face, but the Grand Mage’s eyes are so keen and his expression so knowing that I doubt I’ve succeeded. “Did he?” is all I say.

Is that why Henry was busy yesterday? Why didn’t he mention it?

The Grand Mage resumes shuffling papers about. I know that I’m being dismissed, and it pisses me off. He can’t just dismiss me anymore.

“What was the deal?” I press.

He sighs. “Does it matter? Aris refused to take it.”

“Whatever it was, it would have killed me, wouldn’t it?”

He stops again and meets my gaze. His hands are shakier now, and I almost feel bad for pressing. “One life cannot compare to the lives of billions,” he says, at least somewhat apologetically.

“I understand that, but I want to know. It would have killed me, right?”

“Yes.” He pauses. “I’m sorry.”

We stare at each other for a few moments, his gaze evaluative as he waits for a reaction, but I’m still processing. I’m angry, but I’m confused if it makes me selfish to be angry. I understand the narrative: he is noble and wanted to help the world, and I was the bystander in the way.

I go to chess. In our cell, Aris played against himself, until the board was taken away because the pieces were perceived as a choking hazard. I’m not great at the game, but I know the basics after watching him for so long. A pawn has to move forward for the match to begin, and I think, in the grand scheme of this plan, that was me. I was the starting piece, and he didn’t give me a second thought.

“You know what?” I say, leaning forward until my elbows are inches from his desk. “I don’t actually care that you’re sorry. Do you think giving me a bed and food and telling me to take my time to heal fixes anything? You just told me that you wanted to kill me. You were going to use me and throw me away. If that’s true, then it makes you no better than Aris! You made the amulet. You trapped him in me and ruined my life, and I don’t care if you’re sorry! I really, really don’t.”

I don’t know where the courage comes from. I’ve never been able to confront people like that before, let alone a powerful wizard, but my hate has caught up to me. Maybe he is a good man—maybe he sacrificed his youth to save the world, but he didn’t help me.

“What is it that you want?”

His concession is so unexpected that I falter, blinking as my anger recedes. I’m not ready—my speech was meant to start a different way—but I won’t have another opportunity like this. “I… Well, I want to read. I want to go to the libraries.”

He studies me. “That is normally reserved for members only.”

I set my jaw and glance at the mess on his desk, buying myself a few seconds to think. “You said I was welcome here,” I say.

“You are,” he replies, “but exceptions are a slippery slope. And, surely, you understand that your presence might make others uncomfortable.”

“Well, I can’t just sit in my room all day. Or am I supposed to be your prisoner again?”

His lips purse, and he doesn’t respond. Instead, he busies himself, apparently, and finally, finding the papers he was looking for. He shuffles them before beginning to write—not with a quill, like I thought, but a fancy pen made for calligraphy. I watch him for a moment as silence settles around the two of us, and I start to question if he’s going to answer me at all. My bravado falters, just a little.

“I will grant your request. On one condition,” he finally says.

I lean forward in my seat, ready to agree to anything.

The Grand Mage’s eyes flick upwards, drawn to my own. I see age in them, brought not by years but strife and weariness. “Let Aris go,” he says tiredly.

That isn’t at all what I was expecting. I thought he might ask for a pledge of loyalty, demand something like my firstborn child or a piece of my heart. Wizard stuff. “What do you mean?” I ask, baffled. “He’s already gone.”

“Yes, but still in your thoughts.” He sets his pen down. It’s difficult to read his expression through all of the wrinkles, but he might be disappointed. Sad? “I’m asking you to let him go entirely.”

“Is this about my questions? I just need closure. Everything’s happened so fast. I mean, no one’s telling me anything and my whole life has turned around in a matter of—”

“Miss Dessen.” His tone is hard now, and I go silent. “Don’t go down that path. Do not pursue this.”

I hesitate. How am I supposed to move on if I have no idea where Aris is or what he’s doing?

“You can easily return to the past, but there is nothing left for you there,” the Grand Mage says, in such a way that, for a moment, I think that he might understand—not exactly me, not exactly the situation, but how it feels to lose something precious.

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