Page 25 of A Very Fumbling Merry Christmas

“Done.” She disappears out of the door which Hunter promptly locks to let me change. He has to wrestle me out of the corset so I can slip out of what’s left of my dress.

“Nice.” He stands back and admires me with a heated stare as I stand naked before him. “Do we have time for round two?”

“You can get round two when we’re back at the lodge. I just want to get out of here and avoid your mother seeing me like this.” I quickly pull on the ridiculous Santa pajama bottoms and my Bullwinkle sweatshirt. When I’m good to go, Hunter grabs my hand, pulling me into his arms.

“You’re still unbelievably sexy, even when you’re wearing the craziest outfit. Are you ready? We’re going to get a few stares on our way out. We need to be quick. No tripping over your own feet, okay?”

“I’ll do my best. I don’t exactly plan these things.”

The coast is clear as we head out into the hallway. Maybe we can sneak out without encountering a barrage of onlookers. It would be nice to have at least one of my mishaps go unnoticed. Coop and Zee have arranged a car at the back entrance. There’s only one door we need to get past without incident, and then we’re golden.

I literally creep down the hallway, much to Hunter’s delight.

“You can walk normally, you know. When I said we need to be incognito, I didn’t mean you had to skulk around corners like a jewel thief.”

“That would be exciting. I could see myself as a jewel thief.”

“Oh really? You think you could break into a vault and live in the shadows? The very fact that we’re tiptoeing down a hallway right now speaks volumes.”

“Okay, so maybe I couldn’t be a cat burglar.”

“More like an elephant… with a megaphone… on roller skates.” I’d be annoyed by that comment if it weren’t so completely and utterly accurate.

When I think we’re home free, one of the doors to the ballroom swings open. As always, I have impeccable timing. Out of hundreds of revelers, I manage to lock eyes with Mrs. Vaughn. Fuck me. Her facial expression is one of abject horror as she eyes me from head to toe. I’m happy I haven’t seen myself in a mirror as yet.

“Hunter!” Her voice echoes through the room, drawing all eyes to where she directed her banshee call—us.

“Shit, shit, shit.” The color drains from Hunter’s face as he stands frozen to the spot, pinned by his mother’s beady gaze.

“Keep moving, Faith. You’re about to get photographed by all and sundry if you don’t haul ass.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll distract my mom and the rest of the vultures. I’ll meet you back at the lodge. Coop and Zee are waiting for you.” I steal a quick kiss before leaving Hunter to fend for himself. I feel like Cinderella running out on the grand ball, except I’m not a princess in the making. I’m the pumpkin!

“Love you, babe. Sorry!” He slaps me on the behind as I take off at a sprint. It’s a risky move because I may well fall flat on my face. I’m really happy with my shoe choice tonight. Chucks are my new favorite sneaker. If I were wearing heels right now—forget about a quick getaway.

When I throw open the back exit, Coop is holding the car door open for me. It’s like something out of a movie and totally lends itself to my earlier jewel-thief idea of hopping into the getaway car to outrun the cops. In my scenario, my new mother-in-law is the cop. I’m sure I have made a lasting impression.

“Where’s Hunter?”

“He said to go without him.” Coop jumps in and slams the door shut as he barks out the address. It’s only when the hotel is a speck in the rearview mirror that I turn my attention to Coop and Zee.

“Which one of you fools sent the panties?”

“It’s supposed to be Secret Santa. You can’t ask us as per your own rules.” Is she really quoting my hair-brained wager at me right now?

“Well, I’m just letting you know, it better have been you, Zee. Hunter is pissed that a room full of people almost saw me having an orgasm. If he thinks for even a second that your boy here was responsible…”

“What the fuck?” Coop interjects.

“Remember how you felt in the bar when guys were looking at Zee’s tatas?”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Well, imagine that those guys were getting to hear her moaning and writhing in front of the aforementioned horny guys.” His brow furrows at the mere thought of it.

“Point taken.”

---