Page 107 of The Eleventh Hour

I can smell the coffee and the scent of cedar. I close my eyes for a moment and let those scents sink into me.

“He was there with a woman. There was a cottage in the woods, out in the middle of nowhere. I think he built it. It was beautiful. The woods were serene, and I was so upset because I thought he was having an affair. In this perfect spot, a paradise, and he was fucking other women. It was devastating.”

I laugh bitterly but implore them with my eyes to believe me. “My heart was beating so fast, and I was so angry, but I pushed the door open. I needed to see with my own eyes. There wasn’t even a lock, and I could hear this groaning. Like someone having sex or doing something that felt good. Louis was there, naked, leaning over this woman, his back to me. I thought…I thought he was cheating, that he was fucking her. For a minute, I stared at the way he was moving, and I thought my life was over.”

Rafe grips my fingers, but I pull them free. I need them not to touch me right now.

“But, oh, god. You know those moments that you think are the worst possible, they can’t be worse? This was that moment. Because then I saw the blood, and a part of me that had died with his betrayal, really died in that moment. As I watched, he sighed and plunged a knife into the woman’s body. I won’t ever forget the sound she made. She wasn’t wearing a gag, she didn’t need one. Who the fuck was going to hear?” I let out a hysterical laugh and wrap my arms around my knees.

They aren’t reacting. Dane is frozen, his eyes burning into me.

“She’d been out here a while. You could tell. She was resigned and almost grateful when the knife slipped inside her.”

“What happened?” Rafe whispers.

“Well, he heard me. Of course, he heard me, and he wasn’t happy, but then he was. He said he’d always wanted to do this, but never could justify it. He grabbed me and threw me on the body. I was screaming and fighting him, and all I could think was I’m lying on this dying woman. If the woman was alive, I don’t think she survived long as I struggled to fight myself off of her. Louis just laughed.”

I pause, breathing hard, I open my mouth to continue the story and stop, shaking my head. That day plays out in my mind. I can see it. I can smell it all as clear as the day it happened. The filth of human excrement, the metallic scent of blood. I can’t forget that smell.

“He got my hands tied up, and he went to the fireplace. Louis was raving and talking about destiny and fate. I was shouting at him, but he ignored me. He came back with a long stick. It was sick. I remember thinking I’ve seen those on TV, and he won’t do that. There’s no way he would put that on me…” I trail off, feeling wounded and lost all over again. “And then he did, and the pain, it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt.”

“The brand on your hip?” Rafael asks.

I jerk my head in a nod and try to calm my breathing. “It gave me a new fire, though, I got my wrists free. I escaped. But he grabbed me again. His fingers were so tight on my arms I thought they were going to break my bones. And when I looked at him, I didn’t see him anymore. I saw the glimpses he’d let me see over the years, but this was who he was, and he loved the pain, he loved the power. He’d never looked at me with such lust as when I fought him, when I bled for him. He enjoyed hurting me. Really, truly loved every minute of it. Louis got hard off my tears and high off my screams. My blood spurred him on. He said if I didn’t love this, my body wouldn’t respond so readily to him,” I whisper in a broken whine.

“Where is he?” Dane asks roughly.

But I can’t answer him, I’m lost in the memories.

“He was so strong. The knife slid into my thigh so easily. Like butter. I didn’t even know it could be so easy or hurt so much. I remember screaming so loud my ears ached, so loud that it drowned out all other sounds. He put his fingers in me, then.” I frown. “Not in me, he put his fingers in my wound, the hole he made, sliding them in and out like he was…” I gulp and squeeze my eyes closed.

“It was while he was distracted with pressing his fingers into me that I saw a thick wire and grabbed it. I thought maybe I could end it, end my life so this didn’t continue. There was pure desperation when I reached for it. I vaguely remember blue sparks. I put it to his temple on impulse, just on a desperate whim. He bounced away from me, but the wire had melted to his skin. There was smoke and burning flesh, and he screamed so long and loud until the silence took over.” I look up into their eyes. “Don’t you understand? I fucking killed Louis. I killed him. Not ‘he might have been dead’. I sat with his body until rigor fucking mortis set in and then set him on fire, then I buried him and that fucking ring and the woman, and I went home to the nightmare that unfolded. He was dead!” I shout. Tears stream down my cheeks. I can’t breathe properly. My whole body is shaking.

The silence between the four of us is deafening.

“He was dead,” I whimper. “I killed him. Dane, I fucking killed him. This isn’t him. He can’t be back. I don’t know what’s going on, but I swear to god, I’m not crazy. I killed him when he tried to kill me.”

Dane swallows hard and falls back on his ass, while Rafe just stares at me with a pale face.

“I killed him. I killed my fiancé. I killed the man I loved. He was a liar, a serial killer and a liar, and I fucking killed him, and this should not be happening.” I repeat over and over. Tears stream down my face, and I sob the words, hysterical now that the secrets are finally told.

“Jax!” Rafe wraps his arms around me.

“No, he’s dead. Someone is fucking with me. He can’t be alive because I killed him.” I look at Gideon. “Could you kill people the way he’s been doing?”

Gideon hesitates, and then shakes his head.

“So, he’s not dead, but not alive. What is he?” I scream. “Why won’t he leave me alone?”

Dane joins Rafe, gripping my face. “Stop it. Stop! You killed him. Good. He’s dead, you survived. You did nothing wrong. Now we need to find out who is doing this and destroy them.”

“I’m sorry I can’t tell you where Terrance is.” Tears continue to blind me, and there is so much regret in me, so much pain. They will leave, of course, they will. But I want them to stay, but it’s not right. I am a monster.

“I’m sorry, too,” Dane says. “But he is dead, and we’re alive, so we’re going to focus on that and keeping you out of the psych ward.”

I blink up at him, staring through my tears. “This is insane. I’m insane. My ex dead fiancé is alive but not alive, and you’re going to stay and help when the universe thinks I’m in on it, and we may have killed your brother?”

Rafe laughs softly and presses his face to my cheek. “Fuck yes, we are. I love you, Jax.”

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