Page 80 of Tactical Revival

“I’m not angry anymore. But forgiving and letting someone back in your life are two different things.”

“It’s hard. To move past everything.”

“It is. And now that he’s dying—” Jaxson trails off, and the first glimpse of pain over his father’s prognosis settles onto his expression. “I can’t understand why I’m upset that he’s going to be gone soon. I shouldn’t be, right? I mean, it’s not like he cared whether we lived or died.”

“Have you considered hearing him out?”

He turns to me. “So he can make excuses?”

“Maybe he won’t make excuses,” I reply. “If he’s truly trying to make amends, then maybe the prognosis is just what pushed him to do it now. It’s possible he’s been wanting to reach out to you for a while.”

Jaxson shifts his attention away from me for a moment. “Maybe.”

My gaze lands on the scar along the side of his face. One I’ve seen many times but never had the courage to ask about. Without thinking, I reach up and run my fingers along the jagged line.

“I got jumped outside of a bar,” Jaxson replies. “I didn’t drink—still don’t, thanks to watching my parents struggle with alcoholism, but I’d gone to meet my brother. I’d just gotten out of the hospital and finished my last physical therapy session, and four guys jumped me as soon as I got out of my truck.”

“What? Why?” I can all but feel the color drain from my face.

“My Marine sticker on the back of my truck,” he replies. “I guess they were looking for a fight and I happened to be in the right place. Because I was still weak, I couldn’t hold them off, and one broke a bottle, then gave me this.” He touches the scar on the side of his face. “Tyler showed up right after and we were able to fight our way out of it.”

“That’s horrible!” I cannot tear my gaze away from him. For one man to suffer so much—nearly dying overseas, his wife leaving him, nearly dying stateside—and then still cling to his faith?

“It wasn’t pleasant, that’s for sure,” he replies with a smile.

“How are you so positive about it?”

“I survived,” he replies. “I was new in my faith when it happened, and still learning, but even as I was facing them down, I had this unbelievable feeling of peace. Like, I just needed to hang on to my hope because everything was going to be just fine.”

“You are amazing, Jaxson Payne.”

“Nah. I wouldn’t say that. I’ve done plenty I’m not proud of.”

“What we’ve done in our pasts doesn’t matter,” I remind him. “Because we are cleansed by the blood of Christ. His death brought us salvation.”

“I know that,” he replies. “But I still struggle with the shame.”

Reaching over, I thread my fingers through his, then pull his hand over to my Bible. We sit like this for a few minutes, hands joined on top of the worn leather cover.

“What made you leave LA?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure.” He turns to me. “I loved my job, even when things got hard. I felt like I was making a difference, like I was helping people.”

“You were. You still are.”

He smiles at me. “When Lance came out to interview Eliza’s ex-husband, I hadn’t seen him in years. But after he left, I started feeling like I was missing something. Like maybe my future wasn’t in LA. I ignored it at first, brushing it off as just needing a vacation, but the more time went by, the stronger it got. When he asked me to fly out to help, I did so without hesitation. My friend needed me, but I always expected to go home. And then I got here, and I don’t know, I guess it just felt like this is where I belonged.”

Warmth spreads through me as he looks over at me, our gazes holding. Truth is, I’ve felt like he belonged in my life from the moment we met.

And every second we’ve spent together has just cemented that for me.

But even with that, I’m still afraid of what falling in love with this man could do to me. I didn’t feel even half of this for Chad, and he still broke my heart when things went the way they did. How am I so quick to give this kind of power over to someone else? Someone who undoubtedly has even more power over me?

“I’m a bit afraid,” I admit. “Of this. Of what we’re becoming together.”

Jaxson chuckles. “Then that makes two of us.”

Somehow, knowing I’m not alone in my fear makes me feel even better. “Yeah?”

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