Page 39 of Tainted Wings of Failure

My head jerks up as a pair of slim arms wrap around my stomach from behind, hands coming to rest flat on my chest. "Everything's okay." Evelyn's voice fills the room, speaking over my heavy gasps.

"Nothing is okay," I snap, but she tightens her arms around me. "Leave me the fuck alone." I raise my voice, my arms trembling as I hunch down again and another spurt of bile hits the sink.

"No," she protests. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here and we'll get through this together." I remain silent, gripping the marble counter, my knuckles turning white.

"Why couldn't you just let me die?" I choke out, my voice raw, slamming my fists onto the marble as a violent impulse runs through my mind. I push myself off the counter, forcing myself back into her embrace, causing Evelyn to stagger back with me, almost tripping backwards as her arms remain wrapped around me.

"Because I love you." Her arms tighten around me, her face pressing between my shoulder blades as she clings to my shirt.

"Bullshit, stop fucking pitying me, you don't love me."

"I do," she insists, her voice quavering.

"Stop lying and leave me already." I raise my voice. "You pity me. That’s what this is. Pity." The words taste bitter on my tongue, but I can’t stop myself. "I don't need this. Especially not your pathetic blowjobs, pretending you're not disgusted by me. I can see it. You're repulsed."

"Noah, please stop, that's not true, focus on me, not your thoughts, breathe with me, please. I'm not disgusted by you. I love you more than anything," she begs, her arms tightening around me, her nails digging into my chest.

Closing my eye, I suppress the resentment toward her and follow her desperate plea, focusing on the sensation of her chest rising against my back, slowly copying her breathing pattern until we are in perfect sync. When my limbs stop shaking and my breathing slows, Evelyn pulls her arms away from me and steps up beside me.

"Better?" she asks and I nod in response. "Good." Out of the corner of my eye, I catch her reaching for my toothbrush and toothpaste, wetting the bristles and letting the water run, washing away my vomit before squirting a good amount of the paste on my toothbrush. "You'll feel even better when you freshen up." She smiles through the delicate drops of tears that frame her eyes. All I do is open my mouth for her to brush my teeth, which she does without hesitation. When done, I bend forward and rinse while she cleans the toothbrush before putting it back in its cup.

"Come, let me get you back into bed," she says, wrapping her hands around my biceps and leading me back into our room, where I sit down on the edge of the bed. She steps between my legs, cupping my cheeks in her hands and tilts my head back to look at me. "You need to keep your stitches covered." She leaves me and fetches the first aid kit from the bathroom. During the entire process of cleaning and covering my eye socket and ear again, I remain silent and let Evelyn take care of me without further complaint.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, looking down at my feet once she is done and busy putting everything back into the kit.

Her face comes into view as she crouches between my legs, placing her hands on my thighs. "You don't have to apologize for how you feel."

"I know, but…"

"What is it?" she asks with a small smile on her lips.

"I don't feel like myself."

"Then how do you feel?"

"Not like adult me…more like the child me."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes. Because that means I'm vulnerable, I can't protect myself, and most importantly, I can't protect you."

"You don't have to protect me, you, us all alone. I can do it just fine. You can let go."

"I can't."

"Why?" She scoots closer and kneels in front of me, wrapping her arms around my stomach.

"Because I can't let him down."

"Who?"

"Me."

"Do you mean your inner child by any chance?" she asks and my head jerks up, my eye wide. "I can protect you and him, I promise."

"Evelyn…"

"Can you tell me about him?" she asks.

---