Page 98 of Reclaim Me

Carla doesn’t answer, she just places the end of the stethoscope to different parts of my body and instructs me to breathe deeply at some points. When she’s done, she loops the tool back around her neck and fixes me some water.

“She’s not here, is she?” I ask, taking the cup from Carla’s hand. She gives me a sad smile that answers my question.

“You came in alone.”

Everything hurts.

My head, my stomach, my back, but the pain that lances my heart is the worst. I shouldn’t be surprised that Rae left. I can only imagine what it must have been like for her to find me like that, knocking on death’s door if the way my body feels now is any indication of how bad it was. But it still hurts to know that she did.

And I don’t try to hide the tears. The shame. The anger, not at her, never at her, but at myself. I failed so fucking thoroughly. First with Will, and now with my recovery. But most importantly, I failed with Rae. I ruined us, and she left.

She fucking left.

Carla pats me on the shoulder, her face a mask of practiced, professional sympathy. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s my own fault,” I tell her, handing the cup of water back so she can set it on the table.

“You’re right,” she says, glancing at my chart, which tells her exactly how true my statement of ownership is. “But I’m still sorry.”

“You can accept blame and compassion at the same time,” someone says from behind Carla. She turns around and then steps to the side, revealing a face I’m not at all surprised to see.

“Nate.”

He has his hands in his pockets as he walks into the room, and Carla slips out to give us some privacy. The last time I saw him, we argued for close to an hour because he could see right through the facade I was putting on down to my broken core. He knew I was using again, and he called me out on it. I hated him for it, and all of my responses were nasty and mean, but as he stands at the side of the hospital bed looking down at me, I don’t see resentment or lingering anger. I just see concern and understanding.

I can’t bear it, so I avert my gaze, looking at the white sheets.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Rae called me.” The mention of her name has hope bubbling in my chest, but when I look up at Nate, and he shakes his head, it dies. “She’s gone. She went back to New York. She just wanted to make sure you had the support you needed to get through this.”

To get through this.

I turn the words over in my mind, knowing that ‘this’ doesn’t just refer to my relapse. It also refers to losing her because she hasn’t just gone back to New York.

She hasn’t just left New Haven.

She’s left me.

The realization sets something free inside my chest, and I put my head in my hands, trying to muffle the sound of the broken sob that comes to destroy everything. To lay waste to my anger, heartache, and self-loathing, to leave behind nothing but acceptance.

37

HUNTER

Now

The first time Rae left me, I didn’t fight.

I didn’t catch a flight to New York and track her down even though it wouldn’t have been hard to. I didn’t call her every day and wear her down until she agreed to talk to me because I was afraid that I’d succeed in convincing her to come back to me. That I’d get her to come back just so I could ruin us some more.

When she walked out of my house almost two weeks ago after telling me we could never have what we’d found in each other again, I let her go because I was afraid there was nothing I could say that would make her choose me.

I’ve regretted that choice since the moment I made it, but I’ve only just gotten the courage to try to rectify my mistake. And I have Taurin to thank for that. Earlier this week, I saw him get the courage to reach out to his parents one more time because his little brother’s birthday is coming up, and they not only responded positively but invited him to lunch at their house. I dropped him off, which gave me a chance to meet them and let them know how well he’s been doing, and then I left and drove here.

Here, being En Pointe. Well, more specifically, the parking spot on the street outside of En Pointe, where I’ve been sitting for the better part of an hour trying to get the courage to go in. Rae is here; I know that because I parked right beside her car, so I know that’s where I need to be, but I just can’t bring myself to move, which isn’t good for my objective or the bouquet of flowers wilting in my passenger seat.

“Are those for the school or for the owner?”

---