Page 103 of Reclaim Me

Now

“You know you can come back to the house anytime.” I toss the words out like they’re meaningless, like it doesn’t hurt for me to say them even though it does, and they land at Taurin’s back as he leans over the bed, packing the last of his belongings into his book bag.

He’s moving back in with his parents today, and while I’ll miss him like mad, I’m happy for him. Happy that the lines of communication and understanding between him and his parents have opened back up. Happy that he’s back to building a relationship with his little brother. Happy that I’ve played a part in making all of those things a reality, even if it was just a small one.

But I’m still sad for me. Devastated at the thought of letting go of yet another person I love. Torn up by the idea of coming home to silence every day except for on the weekends when Riley is here with me.

Taurin turns, his eyes glossy like mine. “I know.”

“I still expect to see you at the gym in the afternoons and at meetings.”

He nods. “You will. I promise.”

“And I’m proud of you,” I say finally, swallowing my tears just as his father, Jerome, comes up behind me. I move to the side, allowing him into the room. He walks over to Taurin and claps him on the shoulder as he places the car keys in his hand.

“I was thinking you could drive home today.”

“For real?”

Jerome smiles down at his oldest son, who looks just like him. “Yeah, I mean, you have to practice if you’re going to get your license any time soon.”

When we met for lunch last week, we talked about how getting his license was a huge goal for Taurin since Alyssa is going to be leaving for college in a few months. Before Taurin met me, Jerome and his wife, Rose, had refused to let him behind the wheel because they were afraid he would end up killing someone if he did so while he was high. Clearly, their trust in their son, and my influence, has led them to this show of good faith.

Taurin holds the keys tightly, beaming up at his dad. “I guess you’re right.”

“Well, I guess I should walk you two out, then,” I say, needing the moment to end so I can start the grueling work of feeling my feelings and not shoving them down into the finite box in the back of my mind that has, twice before, popped open and led to a relapse.

When we get outside, I pull Taurin into a tight hug before dapping up Jerome and sending them on their way. Once they’re gone, I pull out my own keys and head to the gym to meet Nate for the workout I requested when I realized Taurin would be moving out today. He’s already inside the gym when I arrive; his hands shoved in the pads I usually wear when other people are taking their frustration out on me.

I arch a brow at him as I start to tape my hands. “You sure you wanna do that?”

He shrugs, holding his hands up and bouncing around the mat on the tips of his toes to mimic the way boxers float around the ring. He’s surprisingly lithe for someone his age. “You said you wanted to work out, so let’s work out.”

“Fine.” I lift my fists, beckoning him closer with one hand. “But remember, you asked for this.”

Nate lasts ten minutes on the mat with me before he throws down his pads and puts his hands on his hips. “God damn, man. What are you trying to do, kill me?”

“No.” I’ve barely even broken a sweat, but I let my hands fall to my sides and join him on the bench where he’s sought sanctuary from my wrath. “I’m just working out some frustration.”

“Yeah, well, you’re going to have to use your words with me,” he says, resting his back against the wall and closing his eyes while his chest heaves. I was a lot more mobile today than I would have been if I was the one holding the pads, which is why Nate is so worn out. I’ve been trying to get him in the gym with me for years now, but he’s always maintained that he’s in great shape. Maybe now that I’ve run him around a bit, he’ll cut the shit and admit that he’s not.

Once he’s caught his breath, he sits up, resting his elbows on his knees as he studies me. “Today’s a hard day,” he says.

“Yeah,” I admit. “Today’s a hard day.”

“Why?”

There is a whole list of reasons why, and even though I don’t want to, I have to go through and name them all. “Taurin moved back in with his parents today. I’m going to miss him a lot.”

“That’s tough,” Nate agrees. “But your objective was never to keep him with you forever. It was to give him a safe, loving place to heal while he worked his way back to his family.”

I nod. “I know. I know.”

“What else?”

“I don’t have Riley this weekend.”

That shit really pains me. It makes the cold void in my chest caused by Rae’s silence and absence burn so much more, and when I couple it with the loss of Taurin, it makes it easy to feel like I’ve gone back to the time in my life when I had nothing and no one besides Nate and my recovery.

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