Page 78 of Sleep

And I hated it when that comforting weight lifted off me, the cool air flooding into the empty space they’d left, flooding my mind…

“Come,” they said, holding out their hands to me. “Don’t care about the clean-up. I just want to hold you.”

Still dazed, I took their hands and let them guide me back to bed, where they lay on their back so I could crawl into their embrace.

I didn’t care about the clean-up either. I wanted them on my skin forever, tattooed into blotchy patches of white. They were all I wanted, all I’d ever need…

The next coherent thought came as Jenny snuck out of the room with one of the twins, and it shook me awake. My heart was beating too fast, yet this was…different. I’d slept, and it was almost as terrifying as not sleeping because I had no idea how I’d managed it or how I hadn’t heard Jenny come in or why I was hobbling around in circles, naked and freezing.

I rummaged in the wardrobe, wishing I owned a dressing gown. I’d never needed one, since I was nearly always alone and up before everyone else. This was brand-new territory. I settled for a pair of tracksuit pants and a T-shirt and stumbled out into the too-bright living area. The coffee machine was gurgling away, the heavenly scent filling my nostrils.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey,” I replied as a twin was thrust at me, fully dressed. How Jenny managed that in a few minutes flat, I’d never know, but I was familiar with the drill and peeled the banana in front of me, handing half over to the baby bird on my lap. I smiled and kissed the top of their head, inhaling that special smell these children had.

I remembered reading an article, long before I’d known them, about how physical contact with another trusted human could lower your heart rate and get your blood pressure to drop in an instant. These two had always done that for me, even as babies. If I was getting irate, Jenny would dump a baby on my lap, forcing me to sit still until the only thing on my mind was the small human gripping my fingertip.

God, I loved these kids.

“How was your night?” Jenny asked, sliding the bedroom door shut behind her with another sleep-drunk child in her arms.

“I slept,” I said, glancing at the clock. It was just gone past six, and I felt more tired than usual, like my body had no idea how to function after getting too much rest. “I have no idea how to do this,” I admitted.

“Having a proper night’s sleep in a bed?” She nodded. “I know exactly what you mean. I sleep better when I have these two writhing around and kicking me in the guts every five minutes, but it’s still nice have the bed to myself. Don’t let Mabel steal my pillows again.”

“Noted.”

“I like them.”

“It’s new and far too fast and weird and ridiculous, but…”

“They make you happy.”

“Yes. It feels…really nice. And it just works. Do you know what I mean?”

“Well, I met Damian, and I did everything right. We dated. We took it slow. We didn’t move in together, instead living our independent separate lives. Followed that handbook to the T. See where that got me?”

“Yes.”

“Straight down shit creek with twins on the way. No rules, Jonny. Live your life and do things your way. Whatever makes you happy.”

“They do.”

“I can see that.”

“I need to figure out how to be better at this. At being—”

“A good partner? Jonny, you’re the best partner I’ve ever had. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have asked you for a turkey baster and a pot of sperm and had your babies. You’re one of the good ones. Seriously, don’t worry too much. Just live. You’re good at that.”

I laughed. “Thank you, but I was actually going to say, I’m going to try to be more…out.”

“Out.” She smiled. “Darling, you don’t need to be out. Or in. Or in the middle, for that matter. You’re great just the way you are. Don’t make anyone change you. I hope this isn’t Mabel telling you that you have to be something you’re not?”

“No, no. Absolutely not. I actually, want to be…more honest? Hide less?”

“Jonathan Templar has never hidden anything. And I meant what I said. You’re one of the good ones.”

“I don’t always feel like it.”

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