Page 64 of Sleep

And I did as he told me because…shit. Shit. Shit.

I let him hold the door for me as I walked in and took my normal seat at the desk. I didn’t work here anymore. I shouldn’t even be here. And he was still holding his goddamn tray.

I wanted to be anywhere but here.

Mark just dumped tray on the floor, then stood there, his arms crossed.

“You know, Mabs, Finn and I, we’ve been married for what, a week? And we had the biggest argument last night, the worst one since I’ve known him, and it was all over you.”

“I have my moments.” I smiled, crossed my legs. “Plenty of good uses.” I had no idea where my sarcasm was coming from or why hearing him say that made me happy, because I really wasn’t a mean person, but it did. “Your husband pretty much told me to throw myself off a cliff, so I think we’re on the same page here.”

Now he laughed.

Mark. Oh God, Mark. Love of my life, bane of my existence.

“I really need a hug,” he said, and he did. I could tell.

“Not a hugger.” I tried to sound cool, but I was desperate for one too.

“Fuck off, Mabs. You’re so full of shit.”

Typical Mark. Trying to come at me from one angle, failing, and having to change tactics. I could almost hear the cogs in his head whirring.

“You’re not coming back then,” his voice changed again. Kindness. No smile. Just fear. Right, so we were playing this game, were we?

“I’m not coming back, Mark.” I tried to sit up taller, hold myself together. “I’m only here to officially resign. This…this game we’ve been playing, it ends now. You’re married to Finn. I’m out of here.”

“Don’t.”

Here he was, the man I knew and loved, trembling as he sat down on the stool opposite me. Then he did that thing with his shoulders where he composed himself. I knew what was coming. Would he beg? Cry? Try to bribe me with empty promises?

“I know what I’ve done, and Finn pretty much tore into me last night. I know, and I take full responsibility for dragging you along all these years. I should have pushed you to excel, but I didn’t want you to. That’s me. You know me, I needed you.”

“I know, and I needed you too. But I can’t allow myself to do that anymore. I need to break away and actually figure out how to live without you. Without Finn. Without this place ripping the very soul out of me, day after day. I used to love it here—”

“As much as you loved me?”

Yeah. He still needed to hear it.

“I will always love you. But not like this.”

“Not like this,” he agreed. “Mabs, I know who I am. I know I’ve hurt you and used you and dragged you through stuff you shouldn’t have been part of in the first place. I just did because I wanted you close. In a selfish way, I admit that, but you have to believe me when I say it wasn’t just that. I wanted you close to keep you safe. To protect you. I didn’t want you hurt, or used, or in a dead-end doorperson job on minimum wage with idiots treating you like shit. If you were with me? You didn’t have to worry. I tried to take care of you.”

“You still pay me minimum wage.” I had to put that in there. Not Mark’s fault. We were both employed by a big chain. No chance of any glory wages here.

“I know. But I get just a few pennies more an hour than you do. I can’t change that. Can’t give you more than I do.”

“I don’t have a job. Or a home. And I don’t feel particularly safe anywhere, Mark, but I don’t even feel safe here anymore, and that’s the whole point of this. I trusted you. You shat on me from a great fucking height when you could just have talked to me. We always talked. What the hell is wrong with you? Why couldn’t you just have sat me down and told me to fuck off? Instead, you let me make a massive fool of myself in front of everyone we knew. Everyone. That was cruel. Mean. And unforgivable.”

“I get that. Hindsight is a great thing, and I know now that I was being an idiot too, I just…failed to grasp it. It took someone to bang my head with…” He stopped, pulled a grimace that I couldn’t quite read.

“A carafe?” I wasn’t being flippant. But for once, we were having a proper conversation, putting all those cards on the table.

“More like a virtual sledgehammer, but I needed to hear it. You’re right. You always were. Finn’s right too, and I’m…I’m the guy who needs to grow the fuck up.”

“You do.”

He looked so small, defeated, yet very much him. That handsome face. The way he still made me feel for him when I knew I shouldn’t. But at the same time, it was different, constantly growing and changing and evolving. It was a roller coaster I needed to get off, because it made me anxious to the bone just sitting here listening to him.

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